BROKEN NEWS: ULTIMATE WARRIOR SIGNS WITH TNA, UTTERS MOST NON-SENSICAL PROMO EVER
Apr 1, 2011 - 12:50:50 AM |
BY MICHAEL KELLY, PWPOTATO REPORTER
At television tapings this week, TNA fans were treated to the return of former world champion Warrior. With nearly twenty minutes left in the show, the Impact Zone darkened, and the trademark Warrior music hit. The near 800 strong fans, cramped into the Impact Zone, immediately jumped to their feet and began to go crazy as Warrior himself was spot-lighted on his way to a TNA ring for the first time ever. As smoke cleared, and Warrior took a TNA microphone, fans in attendance held their breath in anticipation of what Warrior would say. The following is the transcript, obtained exclusively by Potato, of Warrior's promo.
Warrior: "Warriors of 'The Zone', hear my call to you!"
(Crowd responds favorably.)
Warrior: "Warriors at Impact, I have returned to you after centuries of absence, centuries buried in the cosmos... Buried and burned in the images of the cosmos of your mind from which there is NO ESCAPE!!!"
Crowd responds somewhat favorably.
Warrior: "I have come to the TNA to make an impact. An impact of a crater blistering through the hearts and minds of all of the warriors. A comet. A comet that creates the crater. A comet the size of Neptune and with the speed of Venus! I have summoned the gods of man and warriors to the eating place of the sacred. I have told them I will save TNA, and feast on the tongues of my victims, and puke the vile substances of their minds into their souls from whence their power is forged and their light extinguishes."
Crowd with mixed reactions of cheers and utter confusion.
Warrior: (lifting one finger in the air) "For three thousand years, the screams of the innocent have been blinded to the face of one man. One man who has evaporated hope and milk from the breasts of the hopeless. (pointing to camera) You, Hulk Hogan, have crossed the path formed at the beginning of the ages. The line that is invisible to all, and yet seen by many. The line of ancestors of Warriors and gods carved of clay and stone and fruits and nuts. It is from those images of the past, present, and future, that I, the lone warrior, present myself to you. A sacrifice that must be made, and a challenge that must be accepted..."
Crowd begins to dwindle as dozens head for exits
Warrior: "Or not accepted, but challenged to do one in the same for the time that is, was, and shall forever become to be."
A fan screams out: "Oh my God! The exit doors won't open! We're locked in!"
Turmoil ensues as audience members begin trampling each other looking for a way out.
Warrior: "I have seen the past and future, but the presents of gifts and of the mind shall remain a guardian secret to those whose minds absorb my power and strength. A venom of epic stages to the front, back, left and right sides. A triangular shape of truth and exclamation that there is only one Warrior. We as warriors will shed our mortal garments, and clothe ourselves with the power of strength of Warrior! I am that Warrior! And I will disembowel Hulkamania and leave it trembling in the place reserved for evil souls and feast on the ooze I find inside myself that gives way to the prestige, honor, and thrill of battle."
Warrior drops the microphone and shakes the ropes as now hundreds of fans begin hurling themselves over the guardrails and head towards the entrance ramp in hopes of finding a way out. Warrior continues to shake the ropes as finally the arena empties. Warrior picks up the microphone, and with a serious tone, continues. He stares intensely at the hard camera which is now abandoned.
Warrior: "I am Warrior. Hulk Hogan, I have sought you out to deliver the message laid down to me from the gods who despise your ways and choke on the vomit of your truth. I have come to issue the ultimate challenge to you that you must acceot, or be defeated."
With that, Warrior drops the microphone and exites the ring. Mike Tenay and Taz are then shown seemingly desperate to find the right words to describe what has just happened. According to the transcript, the show signs off with complete silence.
CLICK HERE to return to the PWPotato home page
CLICK HERE to jump to PWTorch.com's main page
COMMENT ON OR LIKE THIS ARTICLE |
MORE RECENT PWPOTATO ARTICLES |
|