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BROKEN NEWS: Impact Wrestlling banned in Canada
Jun 30, 2011 - 5:42:15 PM |
By Nicholas Villarreal, PWPotato Correspondent
In a shocking development for TNA staff, Canadian officials have declared that all broadcasts of Impact Wrestling are illegal on all channels in their country.. The reason for the ban, although unsurprising to anybody who has heard it, still has caused no end of grief to the people running Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. According to the Canadian government, TNA Wrestling has attempted to gain new viewers with false or misleading advertising, constituting a breach of the public trust.
"While it's all good and well for a company to put the word 'wrestling' in their name because they happen to center their shows in that kind of setting, it's an entirely different thing to declare that a show is going to be about wrestling, and then barely deliver any of the aforementioned product," said a government official, asking not to be named.
"We were fine with them broadcasting something when it was just called Impact. However, the moment that they changed the name of the program, we expected a resultant product change. The new slogan of 'Wrestling Matters' seemed to further embed in to our minds that we were going to see more athletic competitions on the program. Instead, the show still presents perhaps 20 to 25 minutes of in-ring action per show. On a broadcast with one hundred minutes of footage, that was just unacceptable. Who's that grey-haired guy all over the TV talking and talking? How is a barbed wire bat or two-by-four part of 'wrestling.' And the parking lot fight a couple weeks back? That's not wrestling. And why do they walk through the crowd pretending to hit each other and fall over railings? That's not wrestling. Where's the wrestling?"
Hulk Hogan seemed nonplussed by the ordeal, saying, "Brother, I'm tellin' ya' now, those Canadians are gonna' regret that they pulled the plug so quick. We're workin' towards really makin' wrestling matter, brother, and if there's one thing I know, dude, it's that this company can do what we want it to do."
Eric Bischoff, as tends to be his modus operandi when the Potato tries to contact him, offered a long string of profanity about the Canadians, said he'd do something rather unpleasant to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, threatened to "blow those frozen Frenchies to hell," and finally said that if only Canadians weren't so immune to bullsh--, they might have bought the whole "Wrestling Matters" campaign. Instead, they had to be "pond scum" skeptics that didn't just believe what TNA told them to believe, like American audiences, and it was totally screwing up his plans. He then offered another string of profanity, some of which was in Cockney slang for whatever reason, and slammed down the phone.
There weren't that many TNA wrestlers who were willing to comment, but Rob Van Dam, thinking he was having a philosophical conversation with some cacti, had this to offer:
"Dude, the Canadians, they like totally think that wrestling is life up there. You know how you, like, store water inside you every time it rains a lot, and that lets you survive until the next rainfall a year later or something? Well, Canadians store up wrestling like that. It's their life blood, man. If you tell 'em wrestling matters, and then don't give 'em wrestling, it's like starving 'em. I don't think you'd like it if somebody drilled a hole in you and drained out the water, right? Right... hey, you want a hit of this stuff?"
The Knockouts had this to collectively say about the situation: "He's so stacked!" Wrong Situation. Let's try that again: "He let us wrestle this week! Yay!"
Whatever TNA has in store to get their broadcasts back in to Canada - if they have anything in store - if past results are any indication, it will probably be a flash-in-the-pan attempt without any build whatsoever, designed solely for shock value instead of good storytelling. However, one can assume that most Canadians will breathe a sigh of relief, as they won't have to see any of TNA's advertisements for at least a couple of months.
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