By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

You are looking LIVE at McNeill Worldwide Headquarters, where we are doing our level best to get caught up on WWE Night of Champions. I’m Pat McNeill. We have drinks, we have snacks, but no spoilers. Please.

Let’s see how quickly we can breeze through your WWE Night of Champions Kick-off show. Remember, you can follow the conversation on social media by using the hashtag #TwoPointFour.

The Kickoff show is outdoors. In Houston. In summer. This strikes me as a bad idea. (Asst. Editor's Run-in: The weather was actually quite nice.)

Tom Phillips is back on television, in the Social Media Lounge. He may not have left the lounge since Summerslam.

Skip ahead. Sheamus is with Eden Stiles. Sheamus has ground-breaking news. Both of Seth’s matches are on last. Sheamus may just have to cash in. Or not. That crafty devil won’t commit himself. I’ll bet you won’t see Jay Lethal defend his titles back-to-back.

Eden follows up by chatting with Kevin Owens. What’s going through your mind, Kevin? (Oops. Bad question, Eden.) Fortunately, Big Kev keeps his answer on a PG level.

Ad for “Breaking Ground." Looks good. Is there any way I can watch that instead of the Kickoff show? I’m kidding.

Time for the pre-show match. Neville & The Lucha Dragons against Stardust & The Ascension. Stardust allegedly told JBL that the moon landing was faked. You’re SURE you’re not confusing Cody Rhodes with Billy Jack Haynes there?

The best part of watching this hours after the fact? No buffering. But, I still have to hear Michael Cole reading from Stardust’s Twitter account. Kalisto is pretty doggone awesome. Triple team dive to floor by the good guys.

Maybe all these three man teams are to set us up for Gang Warz 2 at Survivor Series.

Kalisto is playing Masked Ricky Morton as Cole tells us Stardust is insane. How do you know he’s insane, Cole? Is he tweeting videos of Triple H dancing with New Day? Hot tags and Neville cleans house. Phoenix Splash from the second rope? I like it. Stardust takes his glove off, channeling the legendary Rene Goulet. Stardust wins with the Cross-bow.

Tom Phillips welcomes New Day to the social media lounge. They immediately kick Tom out and answer stupid viewer questions. Maybe The New Day could use Tom as their fourth member. He needs the work. Let’s skip ahead to the main show, shall we?

The opening video package is narrated by the challengers, and Seth Rollins. Seth Rollins thinks Sting is going into the WWE Hall of Fame. And the voice-over guy thinks John Cena is a legend.

Cole tells us tonight’s show is sold out, and we’re kicking off with Ryback against Kevin Owens. This is serious. You can tell because the announcers have fresh bottles of Mountain Dew.

Owens is over like Ted Cruz at an NRA barbecue. We get some more talk about Ryback’s fondness of “The Secret." Reading that book may be the only thing Ryback has in common with Bob Backlund.

Okay, Owens is turning the crowd against him. Good for Kevin.

“JBL, do you think Owens is the underdog?" “I don’t know, King. Let me check Five Dimes."

Ryback tells the ref his elbow is hurting. Owens works the injured arm, blocks the Shellshock by raking the eyes, and pins the Meathead to capture the Intercontinental Title. Congratulations. (Owens is doomed.)

Cole helpfully points out that the referee was behind Ryback and couldn’t see Owens rake the eyes. That would be relevant if anyone in WWE had ever been disqualified for an eye rake.

Commercials. Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker at Hell in A Cell on October 25. Wait, what? Seriously?

Up next, the battle between Dolph Ziggler and Rusev, with Dolph giving Summer earrings. What will happen next? Will Summer receive a matching necklace? Tune in to Raw to find out!

Rusev is backstage. He wants to destroy Dolph Ziggler. Bulgaria, Number One. USA? Accch, phooey! Summer is wearing Dolph’s earrings. Is Dolph reciprocating by wearing Summer’s underwear? Tune in to…well, you know.

Summer makes one of those faces that invites comparisons to Senor Wences’s hand puppets. Lawler wonders why people can’t write in their diaries, instead of on Twitter. Those young people, with their long hair and their loud music...

Ziggler takes a huge beating. It’s something Dolph does well, but it isn’t much fun to watch. The crowd chants for Lana, and that fires up Ziggler. Rusev kicks out of the Zig-Zag. Ziggler goes for a sleeperhold. In 2015. Give Rusev credit, he kept a straight face.

Rusev gets a 2.6 count after a big kick, and refuses to believe it wasn’t three. Dolph gets a nearfall off an awful-looking superkick. Summer gets on the apron and the referee tosses her out. Summer throws her shoe at the ref and hits Rusev instead. This distracts Rusev, so Dolph can hit the Zig-Zag again for the win. Who throws a shoe? (Copyright Mike Hogewood)

Backstage, Nikki does push-ups and Charlotte gets lots of hugs. And Bayley isn’t even there.

New Day vs. Those Darn Dudleys is next. The champs call the Dudley “table poachers." Strong accusations. They claim President Obama is on their side. I know Xavier’s hair looks ridiculous, but Kofi’s pigtails aren’t getting the credit they deserve. New Day is awesome, with Big E. taking a superplex, Kofi getting serious air on a back drop, and Xavier doing for the trombone what Jimmy Hart did for the megaphone.

Xavier plays the theme from “Rocky." Is there a way we can send Xavier requests for what to play during Raw? Dudleys hit the 3D and Xavier runs in to get his team disqualified. Well, there you go. Perfectly acceptable match. Better than JBL comparing New Day to Bell Biv Devoe. Xavier gets put through a table by the Dudleys after the bout.

This is the true story about seven wrestlers, picked to have their lives taped, who find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting worked. It’s WWE Breaking Ground.

Michael Cole offers a video package about the great women’s champions of the past. Obviously, it’s a short video. WWE encourages you to watch Hulu, as long as you don’t do in on Monday from the hours of 8:00 to 11:05 p.m. EST.

It’s Bella vs. Flair, with the count-out and disqualification rules waived. Charlotte tweaks her knee early in the match. Nikki immediately starts working the knee. It’s like they’re having a wrestling match out there. Team B.A.D. is backstage for no apparent reason. JBL talks about how difficult it will be for Charlotte to apply her finisher with a bad wheel. Then, JBL goes on to say Charlotte reminds her of Mildred Burke. Fortunately, no one asks JBL how the two women resemble each other.

Charlotte survives the onslaught on her knee, hits a spear, and makes Nikki Bella tap. Ric Flair enters the ring so father and daughter can cry together. Nikki did a heck of a job here, and deserves credit for how she put Charlotte over. Charlotte even sells the bad knee while doing the Flair strut.

Mountain Dew Florida Georgia Line something something.

Jojo gets the honor of the post-match interview with Kevin Owens. Still trying to figure out what Vince McMahon has against self-help books. Or, for that matter, why Renee Young and Booker T aren’t allowed inside the building.

Corey Graves is the first to say “To be the woman, you’ve got to beat the woman." Well done, sir.
Cut to backstage, where the Divas Title celebration has started. And by that, I mean Ric Flair is walking around naked. “Daaaad! You promised!"

Up next, Reigns & Ambrose, plus one vs. The Wyatt Family. The mystery partner is someone Dean Ambrose suggested. I hope it isn’t Jimmy Jacobs. Some guy wanders in from the crowd wearing a Shield vest and stands next to Reigns & Ambrose. Security takes him down. Bray Wyatt thinks this is pretty amusing. So do I.

The mystery partner is the One Man Light Show, Chris Jericho. Oh. Good idea!

The guy in the homemade “We Hate Cena” shirt is funny. But not as funny as the front row dude in the IcoPro shirt. You’ve gotta want it!

By rule, Michael Cole has to refer to Jericho as the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all-time. Strowman tags in, and Bray whispers some instructions to him. I’m guessing those instructions are “Whatever you do, don’t sell."

Reigns takes the heat. Please note that the crowd is chanting for Reigns. Jericho gets the hot tag. I don’t like to complain, but the idea of Jericho knocking over Bray Wyatt on a shoulder block is pretty silly.

I’m hoping a fourth Wyatt family member shows up here. Does this make me a bad person? Reigns with the spear. Jericho tags himself in. Well, that was a bad idea. Braun plants Jericho, then chokes the ex-champ out. Eventually.

After the match, Reigns & Ambrose go to console Jericho. Chris storms off, nudging Ambrose out of the way. That was awkward.

Lesnar vs. Undertaker on October 25 in the Cell. Honestly, I don’t know how they live up to their 2002 Hell in A Cell match. Go back and watch it, if you don’t believe me.

Seth gets a pep talk from Mommy and Daddy. Call if you’re going to be out past curfew, Seth! We also get a video package which shows the silliness of the Seth Rollins title reign.

Main Event, Part One. Seth Rollins defends the United States Title against “Miami Hurricane” John Cena. Seth’s wearing all white, like all bad guys. On behalf of WWE, Michael Cole takes credit for Jon Stewart winning an Emmy. No, really.

JBL says that John Cena belongs on the Mount Rushmore of [pro wrestling]. Oh, no. Please don’t start that conversation again. Cena hits the Code Teal , but that’s not the finish.

Jerry Lawler wants this to be the worst night of Seth’s life. Fat chance. My guess is, the worst night of Seth’s life was when he figured out how Hunter and Stephanie were going to suck all the heat out of this WWE Title reign.

You wouldn’t think this crowd would buy into basic nearfalls, but they are. Rollins misses a beautiful frog splash. The crowd, of course, chants for Eddie Guerrero. Seth does a superplex, floating over into a regular suplex. The crowd, sadly, does not chant for Barry Windham.

STF, but Rollins makes the ropes. Bucklebomb, but Cena kicks out. John hits the Dominator, the Death By Top Rope Legdrop, and the Attitude Adjustment. And Cena wins the United States Title. JBL points out that Cena has held the United States Title five times, just short of the six times Flair has held the championship. I don’t think even Jon Stewart cares whether Cena breaks that record.

Seth tries to leave, but Cena hits an Attitude Adjustment on Rollins on the black mats. Rollins is in trouble. I can’t believe there’s still this much time left in the show.

Main Event, Part Two. Seth Rollins vs. Sting for the WWE Title. Sting’s busted out one of his Sgt. Pepper ring jackets for the occasion. JBL runs through all of Sting’s great WCW Title victories. Except for one.

Sting has the advantage early. Cole points out Seth can get himself disqualified and keep the title. I sure hope that’s a red herring. Cole also plays the “you can’t blame Sting” card on JBL, who is complaining about how unfair this whole thing is for Rollins. Seth’s trying to take as many Ric Flair bumps as he can here.

Rollins throws Sting through the Spanish announce table. Okay, that was unexpected. Rollins teases taking the title and leaving, then looks at how badly Sting is hurt and changes his mind. That was good. You could see the wheels turning, and the despicable heel behaved despicably.

You’ll notice that no one is chanting “You’ve still got it” at Sting, like the crowd did for Chris Jericho.

Bucklebomb. Two count. JBL opines that Sting may have never faced a wrestler as good as Seth Rollins. That, or the fact that Sting wasn’t an AARP member when he won all those titles. Sting pushes Seth off the top rope, and that switches the momentum. Sting dives off the top rope onto Seth on the floor. That was impressive, if a little unnecessary.

Ah, there’s the “you still got it” chants.

Scorpion death drop. Seth gets a foot on the ropes. You’d think by now, Sting would have a pretty good handle on pro wrestling and wouldn’t make that mistake. Then again, it’s Sting. The icon gets hit with another bucklebomb, ducks a clothesline, and collapses. That was also unexpected.

The ringside doctor checks on Sting as we see replays of the bucklebomb. It is designed to look like Sting got hurt legit. Sting blocks the Pedigree and tries to apply the Scorpion, but he can’t. Seth makes the ropes. Sting tries it again, but Rollins rolls Sting up with a small package and wins.

If that was the planned finish, it ended up making sense, even though it wasn’t quite a four-star classic. The exhausted Rollins starts the celebration when Sheamus runs out with the briefcase. Sheamus hands the case to the official...

...and here comes Kane. Sheamus grabs the briefcase back. (Can he do that?) Kane chokeslams Seth, kinda. Sheamus cheers on Kane, so Kane chokeslams him, too. And a Tombstone for Seth. (Can he do THAT?) Kane gets his music played and gets to close out the show.

I know, that was kind of confusing. But the good news is, we have three hours of Raw tomorrow night to sort it out. See you then!

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