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BROKEN NEWS: THE MIZ DELUGED WITH JOB APPLICATIONS
Apr 6, 2011 - 6:57:58 PM |
BY NICHOLAS VILLARREA, PWPOTATO REPORTER
Since June of last year, now-WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley have been all but inseperable. Since The Miz began to mentor Riley on Season 2 of NXT, Riley and The Miz have been seen together quite often. According to Riley, Miz was even the best man at his wedding.
Upon losing a match that required The Miz to dismiss Riley as his apprentice/lackey/make-up-another-description-because-the-author-is-too lazy, it seemed like that link would be severed. However, the following week, Riley was once again with The Miz, this time as the Miz's Vice President of Corporate Communications. Although The Miz simply exploited a loophole in the match stipulation in order to keep Riley by his side, some have seen Riley's position as an indication for a job opportunity.
In a stunning response to Riley's elevation from sycophant (thank you, Chris Jericho) to sychophant with a very fancy title, 3,472 people have sent The Miz resumes and job applications, hoping to be hired by the Awesome One. The Miz, who has stopped checking his e-mail and regular mail in favor of letting Riley "do something useful other than stand around and try to make encounters with The Rock and John Cena even fights," only found out about this today, when Riley collated his weekly report for The Miz. Thus far, the job seekers have been trying to get in at all levels of what seems like a new corporation that The Miz runs solely for his own benefit.
"You know, I thought that Alex was taking this a bit seriously when he insisted upon taking all my e-mail and mail and filtering it out to make sure that only things about which I would care would come to me, but now, I kinda' appreciate it," The Miz said when asked. "I mean, some guy actually applied for the position of Personal Caterer. As if anybody would turn down the free food we get backstage in favor of paying some other guy to make pretty much the same stuff. Oh, and then there was the guy who wanted a middle management position. To steal a phrase, what in the blue hell would he manage? I swear, I'm considering just saying Alex is actually my half-brother and I've been looking for excuses to keep him on the show, just so this stupidity will stop."
Upon other positions for which people applied were (in no particular order, although the more mundane ones have been omitted, and the ones that are listed include The Miz's personal input):
- Laundry Person ("My laundry is more awesome than anybody that wants to work for me. I do my own laundry, because awesome people can do everything.")
- Personal Chauffer ("WWE Champion. I've GOT A LIMO. An awesome LIMO. In other words, I've already got a driver. Move along.")
- Waterboy (Okay, actually, this was Adam Sandler playing a joke on The Miz, as it was received on April 1st, but he's never seen the film, so he thought Bobby Bouchet was a real person. "Oh, great, some guy who has nothing better to do with his life wants to be near the awesomeness that is The Miz, if only to hydrate me. It's wrestling, not football! I'm in the ring for three minutes, take the win, and go backstage. I barely even break a sweat, and that sweat could be marketed as holy water.")
- Boot Shiner ("Alex already does that. You'd be surprised how many people wind up talking to my shoes.")
- Video Game Purchaser ("An errand boy specifically for video games? My real life is too awesome to waste time on stuff like that - even SmackDown Versus Raw 2011, which features me on the case.")
- Body Double ("Alex also does this job with matches. He really works hard to look like me, so I figure, why not give him the chance to feel like me?")
- Random Guy That Cheers For You While Everybody Else Boos ("Amusing, but have I mentioned Alex Riley already? Yeah, get in line.")
- i cAn H3z ch33zbUrger? (This was from a six-year-old, and written in crayon. "Well, that's adorable. Too bad whoever this is is going to find out that when he reaches for his dreams, he's going to fail by the simple expedient of not being me.")
The Miz has been forced to alter his WWE profile in order to declare that no, he is not accepting any job applications, as he intends for Alex Riley to be his only employee for the time being.
We at the Potato would like to wish all the people that hoped to get a job with The Miz the best in their future endeavors.
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