In what can only be called an absolutely brilliant move on the part of WWE Chairman, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, all 3,311 fans of TNA Wrestling have pre-ordered the WrestleMania XXVII pay per view.
Mr. McMahon gloated as he discussed how his plan had played out. “Well, clearly, the first step was to take all of the focus off the championships at WrestleMania. We did not want people to pay any attention at all to the fact that the titles were even on the lines, particularly the one on the Raw show.†Mr. McMahon winked. “See, I won’t even call it by its name. That would be focusing on it. I want people to forget it’s even there. Hell, I.......[CONTINUE READING]
Insider rumblings from TNA reveal that the wrestling promotion is soon to reveal a new title belt, which will be pushed heavily on TNA programming. The title, to be dubbed the “I Built This Company†Title, is expected to become the premier accolade in the promotion, eclipsing both the TNA Heavyweight and X-Division titles.
The key difference with this title is that it will not be defended in traditional wrestling matches. According to sources close to Dixie Carter, this new belt will be awarded to whichever on-air character best makes their case for being the man who “built TNAâ€. This fresh take on title competition is expected to provide a strong boost to TNA's largely static television ratings...[CONTINUE READING]
Stamford, CT – WWE officials were surprised to learn late Tuesday night that their planned Wrestlemania match between Undertaker and Triple H had been called off. It was not nagging injuries plaguing both men that cancelled the match, but instead it was Undertaker calling WWE Headquarters and informing them that he no longer had a problem with Triple H. According to the Undertaker, the two said they could not wait until the Pay Per View, and decided to settle their feud over Xbox Live... [CONTINUE READING]
As the war of words continues between The Rock and John Cena, secret sources from inside WWE have leaked the script of John Cena’s next Raw promo. Mr. Cena has been the subject of criticism as of late due to what some perceive as an “anti-gay†slant to his recent promos. But this leaked script indicates that Mr. Cena is planning to not only continue on the same course, but up the ante. A full transcript follows... [CONTINUE READING]
On the heels of a Monday Night Raw promo in which he buried the rest of the roster, The Game upped the ante even further in an exclusive interview earlier today. Reached by sonar in the deep shadows beneath his own grotesque forehead, Triple H revealed that his match against the Undertaker at Wrestlemania 27 has been changed to a sixty-minute Iron Man stipulation, and that the Undertaker will not be participating. "It's for the best," Helmsley said, blowing out a big cloud of spittle and Aquafina.
"I had thought 'Taker might be the one person who could provide a tolerable showcase for my excellence, but upon further review, he's really not worth my time either," Triple H said. "Nobody in the WWE locker room is any good at all. If you see them on TV, change the channel"...[CONTINUE READING]
Shockwaves were felt throughout the wrestling biz today when a joint ruling handed down by US and overseas media regulators found Randy Orton's blazing, intense use of eye contact to be "so provocative and intimidating" that it is unsuitable for children under 13.
Fans of the third-generation superstar are used to feeling the hair stand up on the backs of their necks when the camera cuts to the blistering, psychotic gaze of the Viper, but in the words of Pyush Butonn, India's Network Practices Deputy Minister, "there are many sensitive children who watch this programming. That Randy man is excessively wild in his visual glances"...[CONTINUE READING]
Although Jeff Hardy's past drug use has been heavily documented to the point wher he's has pending criminal charges pendingt because of it, the addiction has never quite been a source of humor. The likes of Rob Van Dam, Sabu, and Brian Kendrick have had their drug use ridiculed, laughed at, and spit upon, but somehow, The Charismatic Enigma has simply been called foolish and at times, pitied. While one would hope that Hardy has learned his lesson, this is not entirely the case.
After hearing interviews with a certain actor that used to work for the man that also produces The Big Bang Theory, Hardy decided that a drug that was mentioned was too awesome not to try. According to the man giving the interview, the drug would cause one's face to melt, along with some other very graphic side effects... [CONTINUE READING]
Even though the main draw of the new WWE All-Stars video game is the chance to pit wrestling legends against today's superstars, another ground-breaking innovation will make its debut when THQ releases the title this month.
Gamers are accustomed to downloading additional characters to play as in wrestling video games, but for the first time ever, they'll actually be able to get rid of characters too.
THQ announced today that due to overwhelming concerns with the quality of the WWE All-Stars roster, the game will introduce "unloadable" characters. Based on fan requests and corporate directives, certain wrestlers will be labeled as unloadable and can be removed permanently if so desired... [CONTINUE READING]
Hollywood, Calif. –Triple H was tricked by fellow WWE wrestlers into believing he won an Academy Award for best actor on Sunday night, thinking he had won for his performance in “The Chaperone.†This marks the second time in the past seven years he thought he had won an Oscar, after being informed he won a statue for his role in “Blade Trinity.â€
“I can’t believe he fell for it,†pro wrestler C.M. Punk said. “I mean, I didn’t even disguise my voice when I called him. I heard Regal pulled this one on him a few years ago, but I thought no way would he take the bait again"... [CONTINUE READING]
Apparently, The Shore was just the beginning. In an effort to follow up on the, um, "success" of their Jersey Shore tribute, TNA is now developing a new character based on the hit MTV series Teen Mom.
In the near future, TNA will introduce Tiffany, a high school junior who is eight months pregnant with a son (to be named Eric Jeffrey, as dictated in her Knockout contract). The move is shocking, but according to powerless figurehead Dixie Carter, Tiffany fits with the corporate mission of TNA... [CONTINUE READING]
The upper echelons of Connecticut society are buzzing at eccentric billionaire Vincent K. McMahon's constant companion, a towering, dreadlocked bodybuilder that McMahon seems determined to introduce into society everywhere he goes.
"We were at a exclusive golf luncheon last summer," one neighbor said, "and Vince showed up with this freakish, charisma-devoid behemoth whom he introduced as Tyler. Vince seemed really excited about the young man, and wouldn't stop trying to push him on everyone. He said something about Tyler being an extreme windsurfer... it didn't even make sense. We thought it was a one-time thing, but Vince has brought this unsavory and basically uninteresting gentleman with him to some new social function every few months or so. He can't seem to take the hint"... [CONTINUE READING]
In a show punctuated by three dozen re-airings of the pink-bandanna Madison Square Garden Press Conference, TNA's February 24th "Impact" broadcast concluded with living legend Hulk Hogan returning to air and debuting TNA's new, never-before-seen two-sided wrestling ring.
"It's showtime now! We're gonna skyrocket this business, brother!" Hogan assured an uneasy, confused, or simply numb Impact Zone crowd. "That weird four-sided ring is associated with bad memories and bad business, like that feud between the Motor City Machine Guns and Beer Money. That should'a been Nasty Boys vs. the Band, and everyone knows it!"... [CONTINUE READING]
Orlando, Fla. – Today was a day twelve years in the making, when Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo were finally informed that it is no longer the year 1999. Sources within TNA are saying the realization came late this afternoon during a creative meeting with management.
During the meeting, Russo reportedly pitched an idea for Eric Young to be paranoid over the Y2K bug he thought would be happening at the end of this year. Bischoff told him it was brilliant and gave him a high five. After mild laughter between others in the room, concern grew as they realized the two weren’t joking.
“He just looked so serious,†TNA announcer Taz said. “I mean, I always heard those two asking if they’d seen any new movies like 'The Sixth Sense' and 'Star Wars Episode 1,' but I didn’t realize they actually believed it was still the '90sâ€......[CONTINUE READING]
Sources are reporting that former World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger has lost a special non-televised "Buried Alive" match against Smackdown head booker Michael "P.S." Hayes, resulting in the young Oklahoman's horrifyingly deep, deep submersion.
Reached via ouija board in the depths of Gehenna, Jack Swagger remained optimistic. "So I lost. What else is new? Regardless, 2011 is the year of the Sthwagger," the former champ said. "I'm hearing there's big things planned for me... maybe a face turn like they did for Luke Gallows, maybe a comedy angle with JTG in a new WWE.com exclusive online show called 'America's Next Top Chavo.'"[CONTINUE READING]
A strange selective-memory disorder is sweeping the entrenched and fanatical John Cena-hating community this week. While almost all who actually watched Cena's rhyming comeback to Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's dis on Feb 22's Monday Night Raw were impressed, one segment of wrestling fandom was not. In fact, they deny it even occurred.
"The opening of February 22nd's Raw was totally lame," wrote wrestling blogger and committed Cena-hater B. Virgin Forlyfe. "It was just 20 minutes of dead air. There wasn't even any broadcast at all. Just static or something. Then suddenly C.M. Punk was in the ring, thank god"... [CONTINUE READING]
Scenes from the upcoming Tough Enough series, already filming in L.A., have been leaked to the media. Unfortunately, the leaked material is brief, and the footage reveals no new information regarding any contestants. Most of the footage consists of shots of Booker T, one of the Tough Enough trainers, shouting encouraging advice.
It is believed these shots will eventually be spliced into the show to create the impression that Booker is actually with the contestants as they train. While The Potato didn't find any new interesting details to report from the leaked footage, we are able to publish a transcript of some of Booker T's lines, which you may well see in the upcoming season of Tough Enough... [CONTINUE READING]
Tonight on TNA Impact, Sting will return and challenge The Undertaker imposter to a match at TNA's newly named April PPV, WrestleMafia 27.
The Potato has learned exclusively that Brian Lee, the imposter Undertaker from Summerslam '94 who hasn't been heard from in years, has been contacted by TNA.
"Dixie Carter doesn't understand that she can't get away with Brian Lee dressing up as the Undertaker, even if they bill him as 'Undertayker' and have him wear a smaller hate and a brownish shade of black wrestling trunks," says our insider source at TNA whom we call Jeremiah Boorish to protect his identity. "It's really embarrassing. Even Sting tried to explain this to her, but once she gets excited about an idea, there's no talking to her."
TNA has sent cable companies a notice that the April 17 PPV will be renamed... [CONTINUE READING]
Madison, Wic. – Vince McMahon arrived at the Wisconsin State Capitol today to announce that Wisconsin state Governor Scott Walker has agreed to team up with him at WrestleMania to take on the union in a Collective Bargaining Brawl Match. He was greeted with tremendous boos from the crowd that he seemed to ignore and not quite understand.
While political pundits and wrestling fans alike are critical of the announcement, there has been an even bigger outcry that the two are set on being the faces in the match while the union workers will be portrayed as heels. McMahon gathered with reporters to hype his announcement.
Scott Steiner spent last night in jail after beating up the Direct TV sales guy at Best Buy in Orlando, Fla. Steiner was released this morning and spoke to reporters outside of the jail house.
"I just wanted to look around at the f---in' DVDs and this pipsqueak pinhead walks up to me and asks if I'm interested in DirecTV. I said no. He asked why. I was nice and told him I have cable and I'm happy. Then he starts asking me questions about my f---in' aspect ratio or some other bullsh---. I look at him and say I don't give a sh-- about that stuff. He tells me he can save me money. I tell him I'm rich and I don't give a crap.
Although TNA has promised the most shocking surprise so far this year will occur on Impact on Thursday night, we at the Potato have learned of something even more surprising from TNA Headquarters.
Some will say that TNA's promise of a surprise has been overblown to the point where everybody expects an announcement of this sort from TNA every sixth week out of the year, save for a week preceding a pay-per-view, in which case the "shocker" occurs two weeks prior. This announcement, however, has surprised even those of us at the Potato... [CONTINUE READING]
Special thanks to Vince Russo, Vince McMahon, The Shockmaster, Dan Quayle, The Hardys, Poopy Jokes, and Big Egos and Blowhards Everywhere.
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DEFINITION: "POTATO"
(verb) In pro wrestling, to "potato" someone is to strike them for real, usually unintentionally, most often done by a green, careless, tired, or chemically impaired wrestler; sometimes done on purpose to settle a score or send a message (or because you're a bully.)
