TOP TEN LIST: TEN REASONS WWE SHOULD HIRE SNOOKI
Feb 11, 2011 - 7:15:05 PM
BY AMY LOPEZ - PWPOTATO CONTRIBUTOR
It’s impossible to go anywhere in America without hearing some sort of “Jersey Shore” reference. Expressions like “GTL” and “grenades” are as widespread as “Austin 3:16” t-shirts were during the height of Stone Cold’s run in the WWF. The biggest star to emerge from the phenomenon is Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. She may not have “J-Woww’s” sex appeal or Sammi’s complete inability to accept any sort of responsibility for being whiny and annoying, but she just might be the one thing the WWE needs to pull them out of their complacency. Here’s why:
10. WWE hasn’t had a relationship with MTV in ten years. The first three seasons of “Tough Enough” aired on MTV, and that helped to bring the teens and young adults who missed the Hulkamania boat over to the WWE in time to enjoy The Rock and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Since then, both MTV and WWE have gone in completely opposite directions – MTV to a PG-13/R world, and WWE to a PG/G world. In order to bring them both back into something that is reasonable for their shared demographics, it makes sense for the WWE to use MTV’s biggest star today.
9. WWE merchandising would see skyrocketing sales with Snooki trucker hats. John Cena might be jealous that his merchandise would fall to a distant second, but the WWE stockholders would be very excited.
8. She might encourage a J-Woww appearance or two. Jenny “J-Woww” Farley knows what she’s got, both God-given and financed, and she’s not afraid to show it off. Since the WWE isn’t turning over their divas as often anymore, J-Woww and her assets might spark a ratings boost when they hit another plateau. Besides, any fan of both “Jersey Shore” and the WWE might enjoy seeing what LayCool and J-Woww can do in the ring if given the chance.
7. They’d be one-upping TNA on purpose this time. TNA will always be a day late and a dollar short where pro wrestling marketing is concerned. WWE isn’t concerned – they’re always winning the game, and they don’t have to worry about TNA nipping at their heels. In 2009 J-Woww made an appearance for TNA, and in 2010 rumors swirled that TNA signed the ever-annoying Angelina for appearances on Impact. All due respect to these ladies, they can’t hold a candle to Snooki in terms of pure entertainment value. Angelina makes you want to tune out, J-Woww makes you want to press the mute button. Signing Snooki means WWE wins again.
6. Hornswoggle may finally have a real love interest. At 4’9”, Snooki’s lack of vertical prowess is something she both despises and embraces about herself. Even with the poof in her hair, she doesn’t clear the 5’ mark. Why not go with it and see what happens when Hornswoggle sees someone that might be just right for him? Also, she may be the only person on the planet that speaks his language with no explanation as to why.
5. She could give Mason Ryan something else to do. Mason Ryan is the closest thing on the WWE roster to being a “guido gorilla juicehead,” which just happens to be exactly her style. Since one of RAW’s staples are backstage comedy segments, I can already see Snooki hitting on Mason, seeing if he can fist-pump and if he’s DTF.
4. She could give Zack Ryder something else to do. I love Zack Ryder – he’s one of the most underutilized personalities in the company. Right now his character is a Long Island d-bag stuck in '80s day-glow, hitting on girls way too young for him. If he saw Snooki, he may renounce his Long Island-ship in favor of the Jersey Shore in order to win her heart. To watch him try on a weekly basis may be worth it for RAW segments, and maybe to set something up between himself and Mason Ryan.
3. She would be a much better color commentator to oppose Michael Cole. Jerry Lawler really seems to be phoning it in lately – his best comebacks to Michael Cole’s geek-outs don’t go much further than “I want to punch you so hard.” Snooki would be the right balance for Cole’s excitement. For every bit of excitement he squeaks out for The Miz, she can counter him with a great reason why he still sucks. Although, it might come down to the fact that he isn’t enough of a guido for her.
2. She would have the most entertaining backstage interviews in WWE history. Can you imagine what her interviews with Randy Orton or John Cena would be like, hitting on them instead of talking about the matches? Can you imagine her trying to decipher what Sheamus or Wade Barrett are saying through their thick accents? When Maria was doing the interviews, she was playing dumb, and it was working. Snooki isn’t playing, and that would make it work even better.
And the number one reason WWE should hire Snooki...
1. Everything that comes out of her mouth is pure gold. While Matt Striker’s know-it-all gimmick demonstrates some knowledge of wrestling history, it also lacks any sign that he is something other than a wrestling nerd. Snooki’s theories on how whales contribute to the salt levels in the ocean and her desire to feed worms to her lobsters would render Striker useless on the announce team.
Special thanks to Vince Russo, Vince McMahon, The Shockmaster, Dan Quayle, The Hardys, Poopy Jokes, and Big Egos and Blowhards Everywhere.
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