PWTorch is customized for your mobile phone such as your Blackberry. Just enter www.pwtorch.com on your phone's browser and choose the "Mobile" option. Samsung Omnia II users, download our free Widget. Apple iPhone users, download our free PWTorch App (search "pwtorch")
"I can never take back the years I stole from my own family in favor of writing fake wrestling scripts for human beings who could never have the insight to appreciate what I was attempting to do for them and their families. Yes, Perhaps the wrestling business has hurt me more than any other."
- "Rope Opera" by Vince Russo.
Dear Mister Russo:
I feel terrible about what you've been through. Please, please give the remainder of your years back to your family. The rest of us will survive somehow.
Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Eric Bischoff, Hulk Hogan or Vince "1.2" Russo. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these projections, but I, in my divine and mystical way, will ascertain the finishes to these matches without watching all the episodes of TNA Impact on Spike TV. Some of our departing contestants will receive a Westbend's Freestyle Cordless Iron. Westbend's Freestyle Cordless Iron revolutionizes ironing. It's cordless, but still electric. Full-featured, easy to use, and lightweight. Furnished by Westbend. This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action. So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space. And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face. Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space. You coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to faaaace.
TNA has built this month's pay-per-view around the "Eight Card Stud" tournament to crown a new number one contender. This is set to be the final pay-per-view before TNA Impact moves to Monday nights, eliminating the last excuse for why TNA's television show, with its "fake wrestling matches", draws almost exactly one-third the audience of WWE Raw, a show which also features "fake wrestling matches", but doesn't have a fake wrestling booker.
As a special bonus, here's the 28 minute "Before The Bell" special from the TNA website. The show previews tonight's pay-per-view. For fun, take a look at who was originally supposed to be in the "Eight Card Stud" tournament.
And, as your free gift for clicking on today's column, here's a bonus match with Beer Money against Brutus Magnus & TNA Global Champion Rob Terry.
On with the show. Let's begin with the "Eight Card Stud" tournament.
D'Angelo Dinero vs. Desmond Wolfe (Quarterfinal Match): The Black Pope is an outstanding talker. Desmond Wolfe is an outstanding talker and (when healthy) an outstanding worker. And I wrote this last month. Projection? Wolfe dodges the D.D. Express and pins the Pope with the McLariat.
Shawn Hernandez vs. Matt Morgan (Quarterfinal Match): I'll grant you, this would have been more intriguing if Morgan and Hernandez had teamed for any length of time. Projection? Morgan misses the Carbon Footprint and gets suplexed out of his boots so that Hernandez can win.
Kurt Angle vs. Ken Anderson (Quarterfinal Match): This probably should have been the tournament final, but TNA probably wanted to guarantee fans a rare match between these two ex-WWE wrestlers. Projections? Kurt Angle gets the submission with the Anklelock.
Abyss vs. Mick Foley (Quarterfinal Match): Will Foley change his mind, again, and turn on Abyss this month? Not if I'm booking this. Projection? Foley tries to have a technical mat6ch, but Abyss is too powerful for him and wins with a Black Hole Slam.
Shawn Hernandez vs. Desmond Wolfe (Semifinal Match): This match may not inspire the fan reaction of the quarterfinal matches. Projection? Wolfe wins by pinfall with his feet on the ropes.
Kurt Angle vs. Abyss (Semifinal Match): While the result may be a foregone conclusion, at least Angle and Abyss have worked well together in the past. Projection? Angle wins with the Olympic Slam.
Kurt Angle vs. Desmond Wolfe (Tournament Finals): Again, these two have had good matches before. Why not one more try. Projection? Angle survives outside interference from Ric Flair, Scott Hall and/or Sean Waltman to score the fall and earn the title shot in April.
Nasty Boys vs. Team 3-D: The one thing we all learned from the Impact tapings is that the Orlando fans would rather root for Ray and Devon than Jerry Sags and the Brian Knobs Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloon. So why drag this out Projection? Team 3-D wins the semi-hardcore brawl after hitting Knobs with the 3-D.
A.J. Styles (w/ Ric Flair) vs. Samoa Joe (TNA World Heavyweight Title - Special Guest Referee Eric Bischoff): Is this match predictable? Well, yeah, kind of. Projection? Bischoff officiates the match down the middle until he gives Samoa Joe the fast count to help A.J. retain the title. Flair and Bischoff hug in the middle of the ring after the match. Joe fights his way through A.J. and Flair to get to Bischoff, but The Band cuts Joe off and its beatdown time. Angle and Hogan make the save as the show ends.
Aftermath: Next month is "Destination X", where we will hopefully see the return of the World X Cup, as well as a six-man tag with Samoa Joe, Kurt Angle & Abyss (with Hulk Hogan in their corner) against A.J. Styles, Mr. Anderson & Kevin Nash (with Ric Flair in their corner.)
***
Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He hopes everyone is having a happy St. Valentine's Day. His longer columns appear in the Torch Newsletter. Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.