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Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from...um, whoever's in charge these days. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these projections, but I, in my divine and mystical way, will ascertain the finishes to these matches without watching all the episodes of TNA Impact on Spike TV. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Hercules Hooks, the fastest way to hang just about anything. Just push, set and hang. And remember, four whammies brings tears to your eyes and puts you out of the game. This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action.
It's the final wrestling pay-per-view of 2009. This is good news, because the other thirty (THIRTY?) wrestling pay-per-views of 2009 have just about worn me out. TNA will give us a live special on January 4th, and this writer is reasonably sure that the people who are putting together the January 4th show aren't the same people who are booking Final Resolution on Sunday night. Hulk Hogan will step into the Impact Zone in Orlando on January 4th, and there may be some other surprises on tap for the Spike TV episode.
I know Bischoff, Hogan, Nash et al have many ideas of their own for TNA in 2010, but I'd like to add one. I think the Carter family should set up a TNA Assisted Care Center in Orlando, not far from the Impact Zone. That way, any wrestlers of a certain age who have medical problems like artificial hips, heart palpitations or liver disease can receive the sort of round-the-clock care they'll need to be part of the Hogan era. It's on, brother!
As a special bonus, here's a video for ShopTNA.com. Please note that the company obviously put more thought into this ad than in the past two weeks of TNA Impact on Spike TV.
GoFightLive has nothing on a "McNeill's Take" pay-per-view preview. Here's a TNA X Division Title match from the Xplosion show. It's Amazing Red defending the championship against Homicide.
On with the show.
Jeff Jarrett may make an appearance on this pay-per-view, but I refuse to care unless he's wrestling.
Matt Morgan, Hernandez, Suicide & D'Angelo Dinero vs. Team 3D, Jesse Neal & Rhino: We had something like this last month, where the young babyface struggled against the former ECW guys. Projection? Here we go again. Bubba hits the Black Pope with a blackjack and Devon scores the pinfall. If the main group of young babyfaces look competent, there's no need for Hogan to come in and save everyone.
Cody Deaner vs. Samoa Joe vs. Robert Roode vs. James Storm vs. Sheik Abdul Bashir vs. Shark Boy vs. Rob Terry vs. Eric Young vs. Consequences Creed vs. Matt Morgan vs. Kip James vs. Kiyoshi vs. Homicide vs. Jay Lethal (Feast Or Fired Battle Royal): This is the one match you don't want to be booked in, especially if you're a wrestler who doesn't impress the new regime. Projections? Samoa Joe gets the case with the World Title shot. Kip James gets the case with the X Division title shot. Eric Young gets the case with the Tag Title shot. And Cody Deaner gets fired.
O.D.B. vs. Tara (TNA Knockout Title Match): Sometimes, you need a nice, medium length match to fill out a wrestling card. Projection? Tara finally catches O.D.B. with the Widow's Peak, and the Knockout Title changes hands.
The British Invasion vs. Motor City Machine Guns (TNA World Tag Team Titles): Didn't Chirs Sabin already beat these guys in a one-on-three handicap match? Thought so. The British Invasion is sort of bland, but the current writers have sort of an issue with the Machine Guns. Projection? Rob Terry interferes, and Doug Williams pins Sabin with the exploder.
Mick Foley & Abyss vs. Raven & Dr. Stevie Richards (Special Challenge Match): Lauren Brooke is leaving TNA for a full time job at the Golf Channel. And that's not the only bit of bad news for Abyss's character. Projection? Foley turns on Abyss and Raven pins the monster with a DDT. If you're serious about making Foley a heel, this is the way to go.
Bobby Lashley vs. Scott Steiner (Last Man Standing Match): Lashley and Steiner are at it again. You would think this angle would have been dropped once Lashley signed with Strikeforce. Projection? Steiner gets an assist from Awesome Kong, who beats up Krystal Lashley and hits Bobby with a chairshot behind the ref's back to keep him down for the ten count. Why not? Imagine the idea of Steiner and Kong running a faction and cutting promos together.
Kurt Angle vs. Desmond Wolfe (Three Degrees Of Pain Match): This could be the final great match in the history of TNA Wrestling. Unless Kurt gets injured in the opening seconds of the match. Again. Projection? Angle pins Wolfe with the Angle Slam to take the opening fall. Wolfe makes Angle tap to the London Dungeon to win the second fall. Angle escapes the cage to win the deciding fall and the match.
A.J. Styles vs. Christopher Daniels (TNA World Heavyweight Title): Christopher Daniels and A.J. Styles are fighting for the TNA title. Really. Vince Russo should just admit he's out of ideas. Projection? Styles counters the Angel's Wings and hits the Styles Clash for the victory. Kurt Angle comes out and we get the staredown that sets up the Styles vs. Angle match in four weeks at TNA Genesis 2010.
Aftermath: January 4th, Hulk Hogan and all the Hulk-A-Zombies show up. That would be a good night to open up the "Feast or Fired" cases and have all three title shots. January 17th is Genesis with Styles vs. Angle, The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Eric Young and Kevin Nash, and Hulk Hogan having a big promo battle with the other former WWE champion who will be debuting in TNA shortly.
*** Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He definitely has fourteen inches of snow in his front yard. His longer columns appear in the Torch Newsletter. Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
