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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of the World Wrestling Entertainment creative team. Projections are not predictions, because we can't imagine what this show will look like after Mr. McMahon changes everything tomorrow afternoon. This preview was sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a copy of the WWE Bragging Rights Home Game (3rd edition) from Milton Bradley, where players will be given the option to put together their own Smackdown dream team at the last second. Remember, this is only an exhibition. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.
Our regular readers will recall that this show was previously known as "Cyber Sunday", the show that was booked based on online votes. While the concept didn't work very well on pay-per-view, I would be surprised if WWE didn't bust out a "Cyber Monday" to fill one of the umpteen three-hour Raw supershows on the USA Network during the year. Mystery matches don't sell all that well on InDemand, but they usually get people to stick around during the commercial breaks.
After watching the "Triple H Uber Alles" episode of Raw on Monday, WWE owner Vince McMahon was so pleased with the way the main angle came off that he replaced most of the Smackdown team with better wrestlers. This will make for a better match, but I don't know what it says about the booking of this pay-per-view.
Tonight's main event is a Raw vs. Smackdown tag team match. Your Raw captains are Triple H and Shawn Michaels, better known as Degeneration X. To show how the DX group has evolved in the past twelve years, here's some footage from the original "unauthorized" DX documentary from 1998. WARNING: There are bad words in this video.
The big news tonight is the absence of Hall of Famer Jim Ross due to another bout with Bell's Palsy. I'd expect Matt Striker to fill in for Ross on Smackdown commentary. On with the projections!
We might need a sixth match on tonight's event. If so, WWE could borrow the Hurricane vs. Ezekiel Jackson match from last weekend's house shows. Naturally, this would end with Big Zeke defeating The Hurricane.
John Morrison vs. Mike Mizanin (Non-Title Match): After the past six months, we've all finally come to terms with the breakup of the Miz & Morrison tag team. Morrison is on the treshhold of main eventing over on Smackdown. The Miz...is not on the threshold of headlining on Raw. Projection? Morrison hits Starship Pain to give Smackdown a victory over Raw in the early going.
Michelle McCool, Beth Phoenix & Natalya Neidhart vs. Melina Perez, Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim (Smackdown vs. Raw match): It is good to see Michelle McCool back from injury. The WWE women's division hasn't exactly been focused lately. Projection? McCool finishes strong, making Kelly tap to the heel hook.
Randy Orton vs. John Cena (WWE Heavyweight Title - Iron Man Match): Do you know what the problem was with all the previous pay-per-view matches between John Cena and Randy Orton? Evidently, the matches weren't long enough. Projection? The obvious finish would be a draw. However, we've established that WWE doesn't do draws in Iron Man title matches. What to do? Cena's going to have to win this one. Orton taps top the STF in the closing seconds and Cena wins 4 falls to three.
C.M. Punk vs. The Undertaker vs. Dave Batista vs. Rey Mysterio (Smackdown World Title - Fatal Four Way Match): We know that WWE's plan is to get the World Title back onto C.M. Punk, but there are various theories as to how this should happen. Everyone from Bryan Danielson to Festus has been predicted to be C.M. Punk's new straight edge disciple. But there's one guy who showed up just in time to take this gig. Projection? Lance Cade returns and attacks Undertaker. Mysterio hits the West Coast Pop on Batista, but Punk throws Mysterio in the post, stealing the pin and the World Title.
Degeneration X & Cody Rhodes & Big Show & Mark Henry & Kofi Kingston & Jack Swagger vs. Chris Jericho, Kane, Fit Finlay, Matt Hardy, R-Truth & The Hart Dynasty (Raw vs. Smackdown 14 Man Tag):Wait a minute. WWE couldn't even be bothered to put the World Tag Team Champions on the same side of this match? You know, just in case someone wanted to pretend that the Smackdown team was going to win? Yikes. Projection? Shawn Michaels and Kofi Kingston take the heat for the first twelve minutes or so of this match. Triple H gets the hot tag, we have a Pier 14 brawl, and Kingston covers D.H. Smith for the victory after hitting the Trouble in Paradise.
Aftermath: Our next show is the 23rd annual Survivor Series. In a related story, I'm old. Let's go with Cena defending the WWE title against Ted DiBiase, C.M. Punk battling Batista, Degeneration X against a reunited Jericho & Big Show, and Randy Orton leading a Raw team against Rey Mysterio's Smackdown team in a traditional five-on-five elimination match.
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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He wants you to know that the American League Championship Series isn't done just yet. Go Angels! Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.