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Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Vince Russo, Dixie Carter or whoever's left in TNA management. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these projections, but I, in my divine and mystical way, will ascertain the finishes to these matches without watching TNA Impact on Spike TV. A member of our studio audience will receive a Firebird fireplace heating system. Draws in cold air, forces out hot air. The Firebird makes more fireplaces more effective, so you can turn your thermostat down. And remember, if you come within $100 of the actual retail price of your showcase, you win both showcases. This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action.
As a special bonus, here's a preview of No Surrender from Don West and James Storm, courtesy of TNA. No, really.
Please note that, in something that would never happen in WWE, Don West refers to the TNA house shows as "house shows". Also listen to James Storm's road story from about the 9:00 mark to the 10:00 mark.
The latest news from Nashville is that Jim Cornette and B.G. James are out, and that D'Lo Brown and Pat Kenney are back as TNA road agents. From what I've heard, the current plan within TNA management is to make Jeff Jarrett so unhappy that he sells out his minority interest in TNA and leaves the promotion. Let me know how that works out for you, Dixie.
Meanwhile, Impact has been improving, the whole month has been built around an actual feud. (Okay, the feud is between Kurt Angle and "The Misprint" Matt Morgan, but still...) And everybody KNOWS this is a throwaway show, since TNA is running against a Dallas Cowboys football game that I would be watching if it wasn't my job to watch "No Surrender". So we're taking it easy on Total Nonstop Action, at least until tomorrow night.
On with the show.
Hernandez vs. Eric Young: I'll hand it to Vince Russo and friends. They've done a good job setting up the feud between Hernandez and Homicide. The only trouble is, they peaked a month too soon, and now have to fill time until "Bound For Glory". Projection? Hernandez has to fight off Eric Young and the whole World Elite. It goes well until Homicide nails Hernandez with the Slap Jack and Young scores the fall.
Kevin Nash vs. Abyss (TNA Legends Title): Nash will receive a $50,000 bounty from Dr. Stevie Richards if he injuries Abyss and puts the monster out of action. TNA somehow forgot to show the footage where Nash trying to negotiate the fee up to $60,000 and negotiate his work down to getting Abyss winded. Projection? Nash scores the win with assistance from Doctor Stevie, Daffney and whoever Doctor Stevie has lined up as the next freak to feud with Abyss. Oh, hey! How about Umaga helping Doctor Stevie and feuding with Abyss? Does that work for everybody? If Umaga's not available, grab another Samoan wrestler from Uncle Afa's Slightly Used Samoan Wrestler Superstore, and see if anyone notices.
Sarita & Taylor Wilde vs. The Beautiful People (TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship): Now this is good entertainment. Angelina Love can't make it, as she's busy being unemployed in Canada right now. Projection? Velvet Sky takes Madison Rayne as a partner. Sarita pins Madison with La Reienera, and Taylor and Sarita get the knockout tag belts. Velvet beats up Madison after the match to start their feud. Folks, I hate to break this to you, but without Angelina Love, you might as well scrap The Beautiful People as an act until she comes back. You can try it without her, but it won't work.
O.D.B. vs. Cody Deaner (TNA Knockout Title): I'd rather go duck hunting with Vice President Cheney than watch this one. Projection? If it were me, the match gets cancelled by Mick Foley due to "stupid booking", O.D.B. is awarded the title, and defends the belt against Alissa Flash in a "bonus match". Men holding women's title belts isn't nearly as funny as you think.
Booker T & Scott Steiner & The British Invasion vs. Team 3-D & Beer Money Incorporated (Lethal Lockdown Cage Match): When in doubt, go with the multi-man garbage match with tons of stipulations. Projection? Scott Steiner breaks a beer bottle over Robert Roode's head, and Booker T pins Roode.
Samoa Joe vs. Christopher Daniels (TNA X Division Title): From hearing Taz and Don West talk about this match, it's sure to be a throwback to the "good old days", when Joe's back was better, Daniels had two good news, and people gave a crap about the X Division title. Projection? Joe blocks the Angel's Wings and reverses into a dragon suplex to win and keep the title.
Bobby Lashley vs. Rhino: It's a battle for the ages. Former ECW champion Bobby Lashley debuts on TNA pay-per-view against former ECW and NWA champion Rhino. Imagine how much this match would have meant if Lashley hadn't already wrestled on TNA Impact and if Rhino hadn't been treated like an enhancement guy for the past two years. Projection? Lashley wins with the Dominator in under seven minutes.
Kurt Angle vs. A.J. Styles vs. Matt Morgan vs. Sting (TNA World Heavyweight Title): The TNA champ had the good fortune to get into a court dispute with the one professional wrestler who's apparently crazier than he is. Congratulations to the Olympic Gold Medalist. Projection? Morgan thinks he has Styles beaten after the Hellevator, but Angle steals the pin. Again. Some more. Morgan and Angle have another pullapart to close the show.
Aftermath: Next month, we are Bound For Glory. Is Jeff Jarrett coming back? If he is, he's opening the show against Sheik Abdul Bashir. Kurt Angle defends the TNA Heavyweight Title against Matt Morgan because TNA's been pushing this match on us for months. Sting faces A.J. Styles in the 4th Annual Sting Retirement Match.
*** Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He's excited about being the godfather for his nephew tomorrow. His longer columns appear in the Torch Newsletter. Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
