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Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Jeff Jarrett, Vince Russo or other members of TNA management. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these projections, but I, in my divine and mystical way, will ascertain the finishes to these matches without watching TNA Impact on Spike TV. Contestants not appearing on stage will receive a selection of Mohawk Carpeting. A hundred years of carpet craftsmanship. The Mohawk gallery of shimmering, soft and sensuous carpets is now at your color dealer. Any rebroadcast or other use of this column without the express written consent of Pro Wrestling Torch, Wade Keller or the National Football League is strictly prohibited. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action.

Some of you aren't going to believe this one, but the main page of TNAWrestling.com features footage of TNA World Champion Mick Foley wrestling a cardboard cutout of Rocky Balboa. That's not the funny part. The funny part comes after the match, when TNA founder Jeff Jarrett comes to the ring and complains that Mick Foley is making a mockery out of his promotion. You know, if you were to list all the TNA television segments that made a mockery out of the company over the past seven years, I don't think the Foley match would crack the top ten.

(Because I know some of you smart alecks on the free site are going to ask, here are ten bigger mockeries from NWA-TNA history:)

10) Pacman Jones as a babyface
9) Midget wrestler plays with himself in a trash can
8) Vince Russo as "Mr. Wrestling III"
7) The Gymini working in TNA as the "Brothers Johnson", designed to look like penises.
6) Cheex
5) Pay-per-view time devoted to Goldylocks returning a cell phone.
4) Tiny the Timekeeper in a thong
3) The Fake Electric Steel Cage Match
2) Feminist Christy Hemme ranting about Chyna
1) The Dupp Cup

The main storyline going in is that top three contenders Jeff Jarrett, Kurt Angle and Sting had to put up something for the opportunity to wrestle in the main event title match. Kurt Angle is putting up his control over the Main Event Mafia. Sting is putting his career on the line. Finally, Jeff Jarrett is putting his (storyline) control of Total Nonstop Action on the line.

Sting's character has been portrayed as an idiot for twenty years, so the booking makes sense. Kurt Angle's character is a maniac heel. He's probably not going to keep his word if he loses, so that sort of makes sense. But the booking of Jeff Jarrett baffles me. The guy has control over the company, but is betting his control on the outcome of a four-way match. On top of that, next month is Slammiversary, where it will be time for the annual "King of the Mountain" match. The King of the Mountain match is Jeff's specialty. He can't wait another four weeks?

Amazing Red vs. Kiyoshi: This match is on the preshow. I remember Amazing Red being really good six or seven years, and can't help but wonder about how he'll do in a longer singles match. Projection? Since Kiyoshi is Japanese for "job guy", we'll take Amazing Red with the Code Red.

Taylor Wilde vs. Daffney (Monster's Bash): Why is this match taking place? Does the second match on the show really need to be a glorified street fight? Projection? Abyss is in Daffney's corner. Matt Morgan and some other heels light Abyss on fire and throw him on some thumbtacks, distracting Taylor long enough for Daffney to roll her up for the pin.

Kevin Nash vs. Samoa Joe: Yes, you've been waiting for this one-on-one match for months, and now it might actually happen. The Nation of Violence against Big Sexy. A.J. Styles had a pullapart with Samoa Joe, raising the possibility that one of the beloved Frontline members will screw the other one out of a win. Projection? Styles swings a chair at Joe, who ducks. The chairshot hits Nash and Joe scores the fall.

Angelina Love vs. Awesome Kong (TNA Knockout Title) : Kong has torn through the other members of the Beautiful People like sauce through a goose. Since it doesn't like TNA is debuting another monster heel to battle Kong, Angelina's on her own. Projection? Angelina hits Kong with one those metal baton thingies and takes a disqualification loss.

Suicide vs. Christopher Daniels (TNA X Division Title): The champ and top contender Daniels have been helping each other out and even teaming together recently. Something's gotta give. Projection? Suicide wins clean with the double knee facebreaker.

James Storm & Robert Roode vs. British Invasion (#1 Contenders Match): Doug Williams is good. Brurtus Magnus is, uh, less good, but at least TNA found something to do with him other than reenacting "Spartacus". Projection? Rob Terry's interference backfires, and Roode pins Magnus.

A.J. Styles vs. Booker T (I Quit Match - TNA Legends Title): Yes, this is bringing back memories of all the epic "I quit" matches in wrestling history. There's Mr. Wrestling II against Dick Slater, Magnum T.A. against Tully Blanchard, Vince McMahon against Stephanie McMahon...Projection? There's nothing like an "I Quit" match between two guys who don't use submission moves. Booker misses a sidekick and gets tied in the Tree of Woe and beat down until Sharmell throws in the towel.

Mick Foley vs. Jeff Jarrett vs. Kurt Angle vs. Sting (TNA World Heavyweight Title): As of Sunday night, Mick Foley will have held the TNA belt for thirty-five days. Foley's three runs with the WWE title lasted a combined thirty-six days. Projection? Scott Steiner interferes and knocks out Jarrett with a pipe. Foley throws Angle out of the ring and steals the pin. The idea of Foley in (storyline) control of TNA is going to be too much fun to pass up, plus it gives Jarrett and Sting some real obstacles in terms of taking the championship back.

Aftermath: Next month is Slammiversary. We'll see Foley take on Booker T, Samoa Joe, Sting and Kurt Angle in the King of the Mountain match. By order of Mick Foley, Jeff Jarrett will be teaming with Homicide against The British Invasion on the undercard.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He's picking Dario Franchitti to win the 2009 Indianapolis 500, and Ryan Newman to win the Sprint Cup race. His longer columns appear in the Torch Newsletter.

Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.

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