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Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Jeff Jarrett, Vince Russo or other members of TNA management. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these projections, but I, in my divine and mystical way, will ascertain the finishes to these matches without watching TNA Impact on Spike TV. Contestants not appearing on stage will receive a set of Foster Grant sunglasses with polarized mirror and gradient lenses. Isn't that you behind those Foster Grants? Any rebroadcast or other use of this column without the express written consent of Pro Wrestling Torch, Wade Keller or Major League Baseball is strictly prohibited. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action.

It's another month, and another TNA pay-per-view. There are rumors of turmoil behind the scenes,and rumors of yet another conspiracy to push Jeff Jarrett out of the Total Nonstop Action power structure. In other words, it's business as usual. This past Thursday, Jenna Morasca debuted as a potential love interest for Kevin Nash. This surprised me, because I didn't know Nash had the book.

Also, kudos to TNA on putting up condolences for Andrew "Test" Martin on the company website.

O.D.B. will get a new beau with the conclusion of the "Date With O.D.B." This will lead to a new male wrestler being introduced as O.D.B.'s boyfriend. Be still, my heart. On Thursday's episode of Impact, Jeremy Broash managed to "date" Ms. Kresa, making it abundantly clear that O.D.B. doesn't need this contest to meet new people.

Samoa Joe vs. Scott Steiner: Yes, we've seen this match before. Yes, Scott Steiner is now the setup guy for Kevin Nash. No, I don't know where Samoa Joe was on the "go home" episode of Impact. Projection? Samoa Joe wins with the choke.

Roxxi Laveaux, Taylor Wilde & The Governor vs. The Beautiful People (w/ Kip James) : This should be an entertaining match, and Daffney under any other name will usually give us a good show. Projection? Madison Rayne needs the heat, so she pins Roxxi with her feet on the ropes.

Abyss vs. Matt Morgan (10,000 Thumbtacks Match): Is this a thumbtack yet? Which of these two wrestlers usually gets dropped in thumbtacks? Nothing further, Your Honor. Projection? Matt Morgan pins Abyss after giving him the Carbon Footprint into the tacks. PS: I hate this promotion.

Booker T vs. A.J. Styles (TNA Legends Title): Booker has his championship belt back after the beltnapping by A.J. Styles. By turning the belt back over to Jim Cornette, A.J. Styles earned...a shot at the belt. Projection? Nash and Steiner interfere and Booker loses by disqualification, but keeps the championship.

Awesome Kong vs. Sojourner Bolt (TNA Knockout Title) : We're just killing time until Sarah Stock arrives to save the knockout division. Projection? Kong wins with the Implant Buster and Raisha's interference has a lot to do with Sojo's loss.

Alex Shelley vs. Chris Sabin vs. Suicide vs. Consequences Creed vs. Jay Lethal (Ultimate X Match - TNA X Division Title) : That wacky Suicide has interjected himself into the bitter feud between the Machine Guns and Lethal Consequences. But on the bright side, it's one more guy in this match who knows what he's doing. Projection? It ends up being Alex Shelley who claims the gold belt from atop the giant X. We might see the spectacular jump from Suicide that was featured the last time Christopher Daniels was in one of these matches.

James Storm & Robert Roode (w/ Jacqueline Moore) vs. Team 3-D (TNA Tag Team Titles - Off The Wagon Challenge): Based on what we've seen on Impact, a disqualification finish would give the bookers an out for this match. But I somehow don't see in happening. Projection? Team 3-D survives and Brother Ray pins Roode to give Mark and Devon their 2,837th World Tag Team title.

Sting vs. Kurt Angle (TNA World Heavyweight Title): Jeff Jarrett is the special guest referee and Mick "Concussion" Foley is the special guest enforcer. All the advertising for next month's pay-per-view has Sting taking on Mick Foley. Unfortunately, we have to consider that possibility. Projection? Jarrett gets bumped and Mick Foley makes the count as Sting pins Angle with an inside cradle. After the match, Foley asks Sting to leave the Main Event Mafia and come back to the TNA side. Sting refuses, and we get a pullapart to end the show.

Aftermath: Next month is Lockdown, the all-cage show. Jarrett vs. Angle can be the main event. There's no way I'd book Sting vs. Foley in a cage right now. I would be them as captains for a "Lethal Lockdown" match with Sting, Nash, Booker, Steiner and whichever "legend" TNA can scrape up against Foley, Samoa Joe, A.J. Styles and Lethal Consequences.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He wants you to beware the Ides of March, especially when they fall on Selection Sunday. His longer columns appear in the Torch Newsletter.

Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.

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