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Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Vince "Mr. 0.9" Russo. Projections are not predictions. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these projections, but I, in my divine and mystical way, will ascertain the finishes to these matches without watching TNA Impact on Spike TV. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of La Choy brand beef chow mein. La Choy makes Chinese food swing American. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action, including the part where I book the event over the internet without setting foot in the Impact Zone.
Subscribers to the TORCH newsletter are aware that our own Bruce Mitchell, in his column last week, made the case that TNA's target audience is gay men who enjoy violence against women. Then we had a two-hour episode of TNA Impact this past Thursday night, which proved Bruce's point for him. Come to think of it, isn't Awesome Kong's segment traditionally the highest rated quarter hour on Impact?
Awesome Kong (w/ Raisha Michelle Saeed) vs. Mystery Opponent (TNA Knockout Challenge Match): You have to like the direction this storyline has taken, where random lady wrestlers show up for the chance to be turned into an ink blot by Awesome Kong. Projection? Shantelle Taylor makes her TNA debut, puts up a good fight, and then falls before Kong like everyone else.
Gail Kim, O.D.B. & Roxxi Laveaux vs. Angelina Love, Velvet Sky & Whatever Stupid Name They're Giving Mickie Knuckles: The Beautiful People have become one of the hottest heel acts in the company, and all the lady wrestlers they attacked finally get their revenge in this match Projection? This is wrestling, so the new girl takes the fall. Gail puts away young Mickie with her finisher.
Jay Lethal & So Cal Val Get Married: Raise your hand if you think TNA has any sort of plan for the Black Machismo-So Cal Val romance after Sunday night. Yeah, that's what I thought. We're going to a Lethal vs. Dutt feud. The question is how we get there. Projection? Jay Lethal's dad drops in to give the Arn Anderson speech from David Flair's Nitro wedding, circa 2000. George Steele and Kamala do horrible things to guest singer Ace Young. Jake Roberts and his snake disrupt the ceremony.
Latin American Xchange vs. Team 3-D (TNA World Tag Team Titles): Is it me or have we seen this feud before? This time, LAX are the brave young gladiators, while #-D are the miserable heels. Projection? After Homicide takes the heat, Salinas and Hector cause a distraction, and Hernandez pins Devon following a border toss.
Petey Williams vs. Frankie The Kaz (TNA X Division Title): Wait, we're having a regular ol' wrestling match for the X Division title? What happened? Shouldn't the belt be suspended from a weather balloon, and the wrestlers skydive for it? How about having the belt encased in a block of ice? Or having it suspended from a buoy and let Petey and Kaz battle of jet skis? The whole thing is very disappointing. Projection? Just to be on the safe side, Kaz pins the injured Petey with a flux capacitor to talk the title.
A.J. Styles vs. Kurt Angle: Welcome to TNA, the only place in the world you'll find straight men who don't wait to have sex with Karen Angle. Kurt Angle has been fighting to recover from his twelfth or thirteenth potentially career-ending injury. His wife has left him for A.J. Styles. He's nowhere near the TNA title until someone takes the strap off Samoa Joe. This finish is self-evident. Projection? A.J., defending the honor of female friend Karen Angle, does what many men do in this situation and misses a move off the top rope. Angle with the Anglelock.
Samoa Joe vs. Christian Cage vs. Rhino vs. Royal T. Booker vs. "He Man Woman Hater" Robert Roode (King of the Mountain Match – TNA World Title – Special Guest Ringside Interference provided by Kevin Nash): King of the Mountain is a special match, so special that TNA put a past King of the Mopuntain up on their website, gave away last year's King of the Mountain as a free preview, and actually had a King of the Mountain match on free television this past Thursday. Sunday's match is totally different because Robert Roode is in it. Projection? Despite the best efforts of Booker and Roode, it will be Samoa Joe kicking and suplexing and choking a muscle busting his way through the top four challengers to keep his title. Act surprised.
Aftermath: Next month is Victory Road. We get four weeks of non-heterosexual, misogynistic television on Impact. Then we get Samoa Joe vs. Royal T. Booker, Styles vs. Angle II, and maybe even Abyss vs. Scott Steiner.
*** Pat McNeill of Fairfax, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He still can't believe the Boston Celtics are leading in the NBA Finals. His feature-length "McNeill Factor" columns appear in the Torch Newsletter.
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