KELLER'S TNA IMPACT TAKE 6/4: Ongoing "virtual time" coverage and analysis of Spike TV program
By Wade Keller, Torch editor
KELLER'S TNA IMPACT TAKE
JUNE 4, 2009
ORLANDO, FLA. AT UNIVERSAL STUDIOS
AIRED ON SPIKE TV
BOX SCORE BASICS
Lauren interviewed Shane Douglas who said he's going to make his presence felt against this week.
(1) Kiyoshi & Suicide beat Daniels & Sheik Abdul Bashir when Kiyoshi pinned Daniels after Shane Douglas interfered with a chain-wrapped fist punch at Daniels. Afterward, the British Invasion came out and celebrated with their non-U.S. friends. (*1/2)
After the break, Douglas sat in a chair in the ring and cut a promo. He complained that Daniels walked out and got a second chance recently, but he hasn't had a second chance. "Where's my second chance!?" he yelled. He wondered if somebody upstairs doesn't like him.
Backstage Jeremy Borash asked Mick Foley about his goal to change the frequency of World Title defenses. He said the Super Bowl is only once a year, and it'd mean less if it were every month. He then asked about the World Series. Borash said that's best of seven. Foley said it's one distinct time a year, though. He then asked about the Grand Slam of tennis. Borash said that's four tournaments spread apart in four distinct countries. Foley said he'd consider four big title defenses.
Kip James walked in and said he needs Foley to add him to the roster because he needs work. He said they go way back. He said he has two kids including one about to go to college. Foley said they have a budget and things are tight. Kip said he'd do anything and he's desperate. Foley said he'd see what he can do.
As Kip walked out, Kevin Nash and Jenna walked in. Nash was friendly to Kip. Kip said he's looking for a job. Nash said he wasn't interested in wrestling Joe. Foley said it was already advertised and it'll draw ratings. Nash said he's in it for the money, not ratings. Foley then laughed about how tight things are for Kip, basically mocking his desperate financial situation behind his back (but in front of cameras).
Lauren interviewed the Guns, Lethal, and Creed.
(2) Beer Money beat Consequences Creed & Chris Sabin in 6:00 when Roode pinned Creed after Sabin mistakenly kicked Creed. At 5:00 the British Invasion walked to ringside. Team 3D came out and they brawled to the back. (*1/2)
The Beautiful People attacking Terra (formerly Victoria) backstage. Terra made a comeback and poured garbage all over Velvet Sky. Some swearing had to be bleeped.
Mike Tenay and Don West were shown on camera and they hyped what was left on Impact, 42 minutes into the show. West also plugged the upcoming house shows.
Lauren interviewed Daffney backstage. She wanted to know what her "sick little infatuation" is with Taylor Wilde. Daffney acted insane with some success and said she had to hurt Taylor later.
Tenay interviewed the Main Event Mafia. Tenay brought up that Joe has an MEM hitlist. He asked Nash first for his thoughts. Nash said the most important thing for any of them is winning the World Title. After Scott Steiner called Joe "fat" several times and Kurt Angle said they're going to beat Joe so badly his mother won't recognize him, Sting said that's not what they represent. He told them not to forget where they came from. He said they'll take of Joe, but on their clock and his way.
A video package aired on the Abyss-Dr. Stevie situation with Raven joining the picture last week.
(3) Daffney beat Taylor Wilde after a distraction by Stevie helped Daffney finish Taylor with the Labotomy in 2:00. Stevie and Raven walked out to ringside mid-match. Afterward, Lauren ran out to protect Taylor. Raven cut a brief promo about giving Abyss foul tasting medicine prescribed by Dr. Stevie.
A video package aired on the Eric Young turned on Jeff Jarrett.
Jarrett walked to the ring and introduced Eric Young as his "good friend." He said they go way too far back to let it come to this. Jarrett said he's had a short fuse lately, but only because he's been trying to manage "this zoo." Young listened. Jarrett said he happened to be the better man last week, but the result could be different any other time they wrestle. He said he should have accepted his loss, not attacked him from behind like a thug. He said they can write off last week as immaturity or inexperience or take it as far as he wants it to go. He said it's totally Young's call. The crowd chanted, "Fight! Fight! Fight!"
Young said Jarrett is apparently giving him fatherly advice. He said his father wasn't there for him. He said he moved to Cuba when he was a little kid. He said Jarrett was a role model for him when he first arrived in TNA. He said Jarrett was living the American Dream with a wife and kids and a big house on a lake. He said his dad didn't have time for his own son, either, when he was growing up. He said his dad never gave him the time or love he needed and he hates him for putting wrestling ahead of his family. Young then talked about the tragedy striking. He said he's now becoming just like his father Jerry. "You're becoming just like him! You are him!"
He told him to look around and realize everything in TNA revolves around him. He said his heart goes out to his three little girls. Young added: "Three little girls that you're forcing to settle for second place just like you." Jarrett slapped him, then they brawled. Tenay wondered why the TNA Founder has to take that kind of crap from anyone. West said Jarrett couldn't handle the truth. Jarrett punched ref Earl Hebner to break free and then jumped Young again.
They cut backstage to Foley asking Borash if Jarrett is out of his mind. He said he was anticipating this for a while. He said he knew he was going to crack any minute, and now he feels he needs security. Rocco and Sal walked in.
Lauren interviewed Jesse Neal with Rhino backstage about his first professional match against Matt Morgan. Neal said he feels ready. He said training with Rhino was more difficult than anything he's been through in Boot Camp. He said his fallen Marine friend will be with him in that ring.
(4) "Blue Print" Matt Morgan vs. "Petty Officer" Jesse Neal. Morgan dominated from the start. Rhino seemed really disappointed with Neal. Tenay pointed that out. Morgan trash-talked in Neal's face afterward.
They aired a video of ODB "training" Cody Deaner in Bucksnort, Tenn. at Leroy's Fitness Club. They drove up on a four wheeler and then ODB yelled at him as she trained him running through tires, lifting paint cans and kegs, and punching a bag.
Foley walked out and announced that next week Samoa Joe will face both Booker T and Scott Steiner. He also announced that Sting will face Kurt Angle. He said he has decided to hire Rocco and Sal as his security force. He said because of Jarrett's actions, Earl Hebner may never referee another match. Foley said he's not going to take him "bludgeoning" Earl Hebner lying down. He said his reaction to that next week will be hardcore.
Borash interviewed Sting, who said the Mafia is stronger perhaps than ever and nothing would agitate that, even with Foley booking him against Angle next week. Morgan charged into the picture and bragged about what he did to "little Sailor Boy." He wanted to know if he has his million dollar Mafia contract. Sting told him to settle down. Sting said he still needs to learn about respect. Morgan said he respects everyone he encounters. Sting said that's not the case, but when he realizes what respect is, come see him. Morgan said Sting just rejected him because of Mafia egos and because he's not a former champion. Morgan said he will find his way into the Mafia one way or another.
Borash interviewed Steiner and Booker regarding facing Joe next week in a first blood match. Borash explained that if Joe busts open Scott, then Booker enters the match. If Steiner busts open Scott, the match is over. Booker called Joe "dough boy" and said he'll bust his punk ass open. Sharmell walked in and complained about having to knock before being able to enter the room. She complained about Jenna being in the make-up chair all day. Booker said Angle says that once "the check clears," she can be all over Jenna.
(5) Samoa Joe pinned Kevin Nash in 9:00. When Joe's music played, he didn't come out right away. They showed him speaking to someone behind a door backstage. Joe then walked to the ring. The bell rang to start the match with ten minutes left in the show. Nash and Joe held kendo sticks and swung at each other. Joe got in the first solid shots. Nash came back with a swing to the back of Joe's head. Nash took control and got a couple of near falls. Joe fought back with a trash can lid. He broke a kendo stick across his back, drawing a "holy crap" from West. That led to a clean three count. Hard to rate considering they just hit each other with kendo sticks and trash can lids.
THOUGHTS, ANALYSIS, OBSERVATIONS (AND NITPICKS)
SUICIDE & DANIELS VS. BASHIR & DANIELS: It was funny when West told Tenay to get over his obsession with Daniels and Suicide when Tenay asked if he's convinced Suicide and Daniels are different people. Unfortunately, it was funny, but then Tenay explained the joke when an "Oh, I give up" or "I'm glad you've come around on this"... Why did Lethal Consequences joined the Machine Guns in attacking Suicide? They're still upset at him, but now because he's not Daniels? Suicide dove onto Bashir and suddenly two babyfaces and two heels were all over him, dragging him to the back, and Tenay didn't bat an eyelash...
BEER MONEY VS. SABIN & CREED: Beer Money's finishing move name is clever, but they should always refer to it as "Drinking While Investing." Calling just just "DWI" just seems tasteless, like they're glorifying something that kills innocent people every day... I'm not sure what viewers are supposed to latch onto coming out of this match. Why are Creed and Sabin still upset with Suicide? Why are they coming together to fight Beer Money? Why did the British Invasion come to ringside? Why were Team 3D upset with them being there? I suppose the answer to the last question is they want tag matches to be pure and free of interference. I suppose the answer to the previous question is their monitor backstage broke or they planned to interfere, although against whom did they have enough of a grudge to interfere against? There's just so many teams and no strongly defined issues that resonate, so it's a bit of a mess...
MAIN EVENT MAFIA INTERVIEW: Nash said becoming World Champion is the most important thing to each of them. Who would have thought Nash in 2009 would be the last man in this business trying to protect the integrity of the value of World Titles (okay, he's not the very last, but he's an unlikely candidate to be among them)...
JARRETT PROMO: The delivery of Jarrett and Young was spot on in this segment. The content went in some pretty personal areas, as there's a lot to the falling out between Jeff and Jerry. The idea of Young knowing how to push Jarrett's buttons and bringing up sore subjects can fuel their new feud. They alluded to Jill's death without overtly mentioning her. This show does sometimes feel like a public therapy session for Jarrett and Vince Russo.
MORGAN VS. "PETTY OFFICER" JESSE NEAL: It was tough to take Neal seriously when he wore jogging shorts and an oversized grey long sleeved shirt. He looked like he was plucked out of a Bally's Fitness club... I think Karl Malone, Dennis Rodman, and even Jay Leno showed more in their first matches than Neal did... I hope the point of Rhino's demeanor throughout that whole match was to be a charmless prick, because he was being a jerk to Neal in the pre-match interview, showed no faith in him during the match, and just seemed disgusted with him afterward. It was heelish, not like a supportive coach...
JOE VS. NASH: When Joe and Nash began hitting each other with the kendo sticks, I thought back to last week's comment by West about "just a kendo stick" and it not being as bad as a baseball bat. It was a rare misstep on commentary by West, who almost never damages the product with his commentary. After an early commercial, they showed a close-up of welts on Nash's back.
OTHER THOUGHTS: I'm all for making a big deal out of wrestlers of a certain status and name value returning, such as Shane Douglas, but Lauren being scripted to say he "shocked the world" last week is one of those unnecessary eye-rolling exaggerations that makes her seem either like a shill or out of with what is really "shocking the world"... Shane Douglas really is morphing into Ricky Gervais from the UK version of "The Office." It's tough, even as a heel, to make a credible case for wanting a second chance when you look as unfit relative to his peak years as he does. Now, if Tenay pointed it out, as a babyface announcer should, it wouldn't seem like the promotion was trying to hide it from us... It's interesting, I suppose, to have Kip begging for a job. It's tough to take his seriously as a big star of the late-'90s if he's openly desperate for a job and says he's willing to do anything. Most fans would have thought he'd have some money saved up after all of these years... Laugh out loud moment of the show: Jay Lethal asking Chris Sabin, "Why do you talk so slow?" His delivery was great... When Raven said the reunion of Raven and Richards was "every wrestling purists wet dream." it was not only a bit unnecessarily crude, but one of those unnecessary exaggerations. I wonder if the thought of them reuniting has even crossed more than a dozen fans' minds in the last five years?... Whenever Steiner talks, you have to listen. He's so rudderless and fearless and someone spewing nonsense, but he's hilarious, in part because you just don't know how much of his own act he's in on...
Don West: "I hate to tell you this, Franchise, but the only way you get a second chance around here is if you're friends of Jeff Jarrett's."
Kevin Nash to Mick Foley on wrestling Samoa Joe later: "I don't care if one person watches or 50 million, I just want to get paid."
Chris Sabin on Consequences Creed: "Do I like this man? Of course not. I don't like him, his face, or his Ninja Turtle wallet."
Jay Lethal to Chris Sabin: "Why do you talk so slow?"
Mike Tenay after Don West said he can tell from body language and facial tics that Team 3D are liars: "You've been watching too much 'Lie to Me.'"
Taylor Wilde, apparently explaining TNA booking: "Crazy people have no logic. We do what we do, we say what we say, because that's what we do. I don't even know where I am right now. I'm here, but I'm not here."
Scott Steiner on Samoa Joe: "This fat son of a bitch... He's fat. I'm gonna make him bleed."
Don West: "Taylor Wilde is the kind of woman you take home to your mother, then you leave her with your mother and you sneak out and go hook up with Daffney."
Tenay: "Where does that leave Awesome Kong?" West: "Hopefully at your house."
Raven: "For over a decade, one thing has been every wrestling purists' wet dream - the reunion of Raven and Richards."
Raven: "Dr. Stevie wrote a prescription that needed to be filled. The better the medicine, the worse it tastes. I promise Abyss this will be the foulest tasting thing he's ever put down his throat. Quote the Raven, nevermore."
Eric Young: "I looked up to you. How could I not? You're the great Jeff Jarrett," he said. "You've wrestled all over the world. You've wrestled in man events. You held titles. You have been The Guy. You took your own money and started this company from the ground up. Look at it now. Seen in over 100 countries."
Scott Steiner: "After me and Booker T carve you up, we're going to stick an apple in your mouth like the fat pig you are."
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