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The following Keller's Take was originally published two years ago, Feb. 8, 2003, on PWTorch.com...

"Fans, I'm Jim Ross, and alongside me is Jesse 'The Body' Ventura. We are excited and proud to be bringing you week two of the XFL on NBC! Thanks so much for joining us."

(Jesse is thinking: I should be talking first. Why is Ross introducing the show?)

"Thanks, Jim, it's great to be here. The fans are going nuts. The players are eager to win - because Jim, you know if players win, they get a bonus. You can't say that about the NFL."

(Ross is thinking: Yeah, Jesse. Every viewer knows that. If you showed up to the booth more than 5 minutes before gametime and actually paid attention during our production meeting, you might know something that every fan didn't know the day the XFL was announced.)

"Jesse, that's right! Good point. Every player here knows that if he wins, he brings home more bacon for mama!"

(Ventura is thinking: Oh great, I've gotta spend three hours listening to Southern-fried phrases like that. Let's start the countdown to the first "slobberknocker" reference.)

"Kickoff is just a few minutes away, Ross. You can feel the buzz in the air! Chicago is going to have to work hard to stop John Avery today. That will be their focus..."

"Uhh, Body, I think you mean L.A. is going to have to work hard to stop Avery. Avery plays for Chicago."

(Jesse is thinking: Oh shit! I promised myself all week I'd remember at least one player's name on each team and I messed up already. Avery and Maddox. Whose on which team? Oh, yeah: "Chicago is A-Very windy city." "Los Angeles rhymes with Tommy Maddox." I will remember now.)

"Ah ha, Ross, just checking to see if you were paying attention. Like I was saying, Avery is the key to this game. He had 157 yards rushing last week, 93 passing yards, and two touchdowns for Chicago. He is the player to watch."

(Ross is thinking: Jesse just read that off of my stat sheet! At least Jesse's not squealing over the cheerleaders yet like King last week.)

"Ross, enough about football. How 'bout these Xtreme Cheerleaders on the sidelines here in the City of Angels!"

"Body, we're gonna be seeing a lot of them later."

(Lawler, across the country, is thinking: Who are you? Where's Jim Ro... Oh my god, she's hot! She looks 20. Too old for my usual tastes, but...)

"Body, L.A. was favored before the season to go all the way. They lost last week on a game-ending field goal to San Francisco. L.A.'s Darnell McDonald challenged his team to go undefeated the rest of the year. Will that inspire the team or put too much press on them?"

(Ross is thinking: Does Ventura even know McDonald said that? I better add that he's L.A.'s starting wide receiver...)

"...as a wide receiver, is it his place to say something like that, Body?"

"Ross, I am all in favor of these players challenging each other. Someone needs to step up and be a leader. Clearly McDonnell has done that."

(Ross is thinking: It's McDonald! Darnell McDonald! Not McDonnell. Should I correct him? Should I let it go? If I correct him will USA Today say I was trying to show him up? If I don't correct him, will they blast me for not noticing Jesse's glaring errors?)

"Yes, McDonald has. Body, all I've got to say is it's great to be working you. We've come a long way since Atlanta. We're gonna have a blast! L.A.... Chicago... Two teams that lost last week, both looking to correct course. Strap yourself in, this is gonna be a fun ride."

(Jesse is thinking: Okay, let me remember that. L.A. lost last week. And so did Chicago. So they're both 0-1. I can remember that. Which team is McDonyell on? Which team is Avery on? What was my rhyme? "Chicago has a lot of McDonalds?" Where are Ross's notes?)

"Great to be reunited with you, Ross. Don't get me mad or I can have you fired after just one week, too, and Gordon Solie might be here next week in your place."

(Ross is thinking: Better than Tony Schiavone. I rather lose my job to a dead man than to Schiavone.)

(Ventura is thinking: Do I get paid this week or next week?)

*Cut to first commercial*


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