By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

"Change is coming
Now is my time
Listen to my muscle memory
Contemplate what I've been clinging to"
-"Forty Six & 2" by Tool

To sum up my feelings about WWE and TNA in one pic, it has to involve Cats!:




Laugh? Doesn't matter if you did, because it's time for me to get serious...and start belittling you. It's good for all parties involved. You understand. So, how did you enjoy being a underachiever all this time?

Oh yeah, you bet I started off my article like my man, John Cena.




To give you some sort of mind that wrestling has caused me this week, I'm like Ray Lewis in his last game and wrestling just went for my legs. I've got nothing to lose and I'm in attack mode.




The best thing about my articles is that you know that I won't get pregnant suddenly and birth a leprechaun. So you've got that goin' for ya.

I've got the simple way to explain this Brooke Hogan-Bully Ray love storyline: It keeps Papa Hogan and Daughter Hogan in the limelight without having to do much. Just have Hulk Hogan stand there and talk about some nonsensical b.s. code (ah, wrestlers and their codes that mean zip to the average viewer). No one knew that Hogan's Code sayeth, "Thou must not datest my daughter." Hulky was a peeved customer at Bully. You would think it was Bully who released that Hulk Hogan sex tape. Maybe it was, Hogan. Does that break the code you just made up on the last Impact?

And if by instance you actually watched the Hogan sex tape...you're a sad, strange creature, brother.

Would it alleviate your pain with another cat pic? ... But how many cat pics can one wrestling article have? There's a made-up wrestling writer code that we have to adhere to, tooo.

In other TNA news, Jeff Hardy is the Best Superstar and y'all better just get used to the fact. TNA just loves that crazy crack-up so much, so you better just forget all the transgressions he committed in JUST his TNA run. And, isn't it weird that you're reading MY inner thoughts, but like, in your own head? Whoa, dude.

At one point, people were nearly ready to call the Florida police to do a missing persons search for Mr. Anderson, but he has resurfaced and has been flirting openly with Aces & Eights. Gee, joining those boys must be better than doing nada, nilch, nothing. Doing something or nothing? Tough choice. Plus, their chicks mimic sexual favors to beer bottles. Mainly just to entertain themselves with hanging around dum-dums like Devon and Mike Knox all day. Probably the highlight of their days, really.

Anderson to the Aces & Eights I wouldn't mind. True, at this point of this Aces & Eights angle, adding Anderson would be akin to putting sunglasses on a dead, rotting cow, but damn, what a cool, dead cow. "Whew boy the stink from this angle makes me want to gag...but damn, they look so cool now!"

TNA is committed to showing just how uncool Aces & Eights are by revealing their masked men. Devon? Festus? Mike Knox? Ugh. Who's next? Ray Gordy a/k/a Jesse? I was arrested by him once and I couldn't help but sing out, "BISCUITS AND GRAVYYY..." Ray Gordy then gave me a roundhouse kick like Steven Seagal.

Some cold, hard truth for y'all to swallow: TNA writes love sonnets and brings flowers to ex-WWE guys. From your Jeff Hardys to your ... Mike Knoxes (sorry, ya hairy bastard, I've moved on. It's been three years).

Meanwhile, if Sting is gonna walk that slow during the big "returning hero comes back to vanquish evil gang" bit, then maybe it's time they should install a moving walkway like how they do with airports. Just keep the camera up high and it will look like Sting's flying, baby. Taz will be halfway impressed.

Hey, lame biker gang, Sting let you know, "Hey, I'm returning this on this exact date" and took a Sunday Stroll to the ring, and still you got your asses whipped. Whatever. Sting's back to beat all these guys. He may not be a walking tank like Ryback, and he's pretty damn old...but he's got that magical baseball bat.

Wade Keller, who's now contemplating beating up animals at the zoo because WWE's booking is upsetting so much lately, recently wrote about TNA not having any real young stars under the age of 30. Age is just a number, right? I mean, Sgt. Slaughter had a real, real good shot of becoming United States Champion on the last Raw. ("Wiley Veteran" can't cover up the 10-inch arms, Cole.)

And, strangely enough, nobody is counting Garett Bischoff. No one needs to be in the "know" to tell you there's just gonna be a natural dislike of this kid from the get-go. I would rather cheer Cena's Five Moves Of Doom than this goof hanging out with Wes Brisco.

A lot of people are thinking this right now: "Should I skip Raw to watch the BCS game involving Norte Dame and Alabama?" Indeed, that feels like a once in a lifetime event. Watch Raw and you'll get to hear Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole talk about wooly worms and goat meat. I'm not lyin'. They actually did talk about that on Monday. It does blow the mind that the following line was scripted by human beings and said aloud to billions: "Daniel Bryan researched and found out that goat meat is the #1 consumed meat in the world. He was a bit upset about that."

And did you know that goat meat has the reputation for strong, gamey flavor, but can be mild depending on how it is raised and prepared? Interesting, huh? Hey, don't look at me like that. I've got three pages to fill here, and I can't anger my lovely, beautiful sponsors. And also I've stopped caring in life.

Let's not forget The Rock showing up to get (or try to get) "Imma shiznits" trending. His "Pain & Gain" co-star Mark "Juiced" Wahlberg will tag along, and will horrify the children when his body explodes violently from taking too many vitamins.

So, is Rock on the juice? Who knows. It's not like people at home who go, "Boy, that guy looks gassed" is gonna stop these guys from their special concoctions. I'll just pretend Rock did a hella of a lot of push-ups. You don't know if I myself juice to write out these articles. After this is over I feel like breaking the keyboard over my head and eat the mouse all agro like.

Overall, I've been thinking today about wrestling bringing in the concept of sponsored championships. Now, if we're going to do this thing right, we'll leave the major World Titles alone. But, if the lesser titles are defended on almost every show with little or zero hype (typically the latter) against joke opponents, maybe we can make some coin by sponsoring the championships. "But, you'll make Pat Patterson cry." No sweat, Pat. We won't mess with the history of the belt itself, daddy-o. We'll just add a sponsor to the front of it. Train those kids to say, "Come the Royal Rumble, I will be the next Verizon Wireless Intercontinental champion!"




You know, since watching WWE, I've seen Mae Young topless. And give birth on national television. Twice. It stands to reason (ha!) that Mae Young's birthing days are over in WWE for the time being. With that big ol' BCS game (with the added allure of Norte Dame back in the big dance), WWE better mind their p's and q's and not do a "Hornswoggle in Notre Dame gear" bit. Actually, that's a GREAT idea. Next Raw, I want sponsored champions and WWE informing me that the BCS game is on.

What's nice about wrestling is that there is a load of wrestling history for you to peruse through. I rarely watch an old NFL or NBA game, but I sure don't mind going on YouTube and hitting clips of Mae Young cramming her tongue down somebody's throat and giving them a Bronco Buster in the corner. I've got a soft spot in my heart for the ol' gal.

That's it for me. The absurd code states that there's needs to be one absurd segment per Raw to drive away viewers. Looking forward to it. Can't wait. WWE, you got my back, Jack? You can't break the code.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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