By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

"I met an old cowboy
I saw the look in his eyes
Somethin' tells me he's been here before
'Cuz experience makes you wise"
-"Dead Horse" by Guns N' Roses

Like C.M. Punk, I sometimes take showers with ashes. I don't towel off, as I like the feeling of having somebody's living remains on me. People give me funny looks and they go, "Hey, it looks like you've got some dust on you." And I reply, "Nope, it's Grandpa!"

Many of you take two sides with how Raw ended, with ol' Punk spreading "ashes" over Undertaker. Many are saying that they'll never watch wrestling again, or at least not WWE. And many are saying that these are a bunch of whiners (who basically themselves have become so numb to explotative wrestling storylines that if Zack Ryder got beheaded next Monday night in front of his family, they would shrug and get their next beer).

But, I think everyone can agree that using ashes in the final segment of Raw before WrestleMania is stupid, and it doesn't make you feel really proud. I've enjoyed this WrestleMania build-up as much as if I were X-Pac and suprise! I got a new butthole.

Triple H is an asskicker who might retire only to come out of retirement again at next year's WrestleMania (and repeat the process at the following WrestleMania until he can't stand it anymore), and this Taker-Punk feud has turned me off big-time. It's my fault, I know. I can't share the same excitement for this feud as many 12-year-olds. Maybe it's because my brain has fully developed? Maybe because I don't like storylines that have the gameplan of "WE'RE GONNA USE THAT DEAD FAT GUY'S ASHES AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE TO GET HEAT!"




But, hey, it works. There's plenty of dumb storylines that have all of the prestige and smarts of a pile of bird s--t. And, this Punk-Undertaker feud is one of them. I'll still dig the match, but I'm ignoring the whole storyline that they crafted up.

I actively thought that they had righted the ship last week, with C.M. Punk (I think) meta-apologizing with the "I'm not disrespecting Paul Bearer" line. Also, the story was that the urn was just a cheap ploy. Plus, Undertaker had fire under his ass last week and beat up C.M. Punk. Then took a bath in Icy Hot.




Now this week we're showering with dead people's ashes? Maybe Vince McMahon's big Twitter reveal on Friday is what storyline he's got with Reid Flair's ashes. Too soon? Oh, poor baby. You don't understand that we're making money here.

If I were a real wrestling journalist (I just play one on the Internet), I would interview Thomas Dotterer, the 77-year-old C.M. Punk fan and get his thoughts on the Punk-Undertaker feud. He's old-school as it gets, so I'm guessing he'll be cool with what they're doing. Maybe Dotterer made a "shower with my ashes" pact with C.M. Punk.

You can reach out to C.M. Punk about how he's in a stupid-ass feud right now, and he'll probably tweet back that yep, you're right. Lost the belt to Roadblock Rocky and played with the remains of the dead. What a cool guy. Nice thing is that it looks like he'll be taking a vacation after WrestleMania, get fat, and finally open up his dream donut shop. The only donut shop in America with a crematory in the back.

Did anybody else see that "bring HBK back to talk about Triple H feud" card-play coming a mile away? Not much has happened with this Trips-Brock feud. Maybe they need to play around with the ashes of Trips's dead dog, Marty? Oh wait, Paul Heyman talked about Stephanie. Oooh. Kinda hoping a jacked Stephanie, wearing a "I'm a Triple H Lady" t-shirt, comes out and caves Paul's face in. Not really. Right now, I would like for Brock Lesnar to utter some words so that I know he hasn't lost the ability to speak. The finish of the match will be HBK shooting Brock with a crossbow and mounting ol' Brock's head on his living room wall.

Will John Cena turn heel? Well, like our WWE Champ says, it just doesn't matter. After you shower with ashes, John Cena getting an edge is like seeing Justin Bieber start mouthing off and doing kiddie drugs. So hardcore. It's not like they're going to mess with "Cash Cow Cena" too much.

People hate Fandango. Jericho's gonna carry him to a four-star match. And Wade Barrett is going to be deported back over the pond due to getting his balls cut off. Geesh. It's pretty bad. Wade said hi to me yesterday and I kicked him in the Barrett Barrage for being less than a man.

That's it for me. Let's hear it for Biebermania! Too bad Bieber not's performing at Mania. We get Diddy, which is okay, but no Limp Bizkit. Here's hoping Diddy showers himself with the ashes of the ultimate homie, The Notorious B.I.G.. Hop to it, Diddy.




Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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