By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“Hey baby, we don’t mind all the watching, ha
Cuz if they study close, real close
They might learn something”
-“Suit & Tie” by Justin Timberlake

This is WrestleMania season. The home stretch. And it’s becoming quite a barrel of stinky poo. Fans have responded by sitting on their hands and viewers have responded by changing the channel. I’m not sure what to do, myself, other than to keep on sacrificing nubile virgins in my fire-pit so that Raw goes back to two hours. A lot of virgins have died, Vince. A lot.

WWE’s still got two weeks left, and they have at least two employed writers who haven’t fired. Let’s review the current WrestleMania card...

The Rock vs. John Cena For WWE Championship

Hard to build a feud if the WWE Champ is off in Asia doing movie tours. And we’re supposed to love this guy, who has never left. It’s true. WWE has inadvertendly reinforced what Cena complained about all last year. Of course, Rock’s spirit never left. Rock’s physical body is never seen, he never talks to us, and never sends us our damn checks on time. We’ve seen him about 10 times in a WWE ring in the last 10 years. Whee.

Rock’s movie commitments are one thing, but John Cena fighting Grandpa Pancake makes everybody look like dummies.

Truth be told I’m sure Rocky and Johnny will have another great promo, because singing songs about buffalo nipples is over (I think).

And, you’ll have to remind us pretty damn hard that this is for the WWE Championship.

Feud Verdict: In The Middle Of Absurdity

C.M. Punk vs. The Undertaker

You know, when I die, I want my body stuffed and shown to millions watching around the world as Taylor Swift sings the national anthem. I then want several firecrackers jammed up my ass so that my corpse can rocket off to the sky and then explode in dazzling colors as Ms. Swift belts out, "And the home...of the...brave!"

Just because I would have wanted it that way does not make it all right to do so.

TV shows use urns, mostly in comedies. (“Oh noes, Grandma’s ashes are in the vacuum cleaner!”) The death’s fictional. Not real.

C.M. Punk used to be the man. Now, it’s laughable to think he can beat The Undertaker. Remember his strong momentum he had with The Rock? That’s ashes in the wind now. There’s no great story to be told if we entertain the notion of C.M. Punk winning.

Does Undertaker need to be brought in to the newer audience as the guy who stands around and doesn’t do anything? Probably not. It is nice that people are having a hoot with C.M. Punk heeling it up by “disrespecting” Paul Bearer.

Of course, when Punk does his heel acts, I don’t hate Punk. I hate how I have to go, “I watch wrestling, where they exploit real-life deaths in storylines to make money.” It doesn’t sit right with me. This feud isn’t riveting. Sure, there will be some joy when the match itself comes, but the storyline itself is not fun to be a part of.

Although I do think the story of Miami Heat's current winning streak could be helped if they had urns around courtside. In fact, maybe that explains why they're winning.

Feud Verdict: Very Absurd

Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar




The problem is that the retirement thing doesn’t stick. Even young casual fans realize that Trips only wrestles once or twice a year.

The other problem is that people in WWE doesn't often realize there's an outside world with people who have brains in their heads.

Given Vince’s perchance for changing things up, I would like to suggest the change that instead of Trips’s career on the line, if Trips loses, Paul Heyman gets Triple H’s job. There fans can at least entertain the notion of Paul Heyman as COO. What we have now is predictable and stale.

Feud Verdict: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger

This storyline has caused millions of my brain cells to die. It’s boisterous and it’s dumb. The sooner it’s over I will be able to breathe again. I just better not do it around "Mr. DUI" Swaggie.

Feud Verdict: It’s So Absurd It Makes Me Want To Cry

Dolph Ziggler & Big E. vs. Team Hell No

Michael Cole: “Remember, Dolph Ziggler has 'til the Money In The Bank PPV to cash in his briefcase.” Or, he could cash it in during the biggest PPV ever after Jack Swagger breaks Alberto Del Rio’s ankle. Or, he could continue being a chump for more months while his woman gets stolen by Big E. His call.

Feud Verdict: Very Absurd

Sheamus & Orton & Big Show vs. The Shield

Will The Shield win? Will Big Show tease joining The Shield, then not join The Shield, and then join The Shield, just to make a fool out of Hulk Hogan? (Watch TNA, you get what I mean.)

Feud Verdict: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Ryback Vs. Mark Henry

You can already hear Michael Cole say, “That’s over 400 pounds Ryback is lifting!” Maybe we can tweet in our “match wrap-up lines” for this one. “Ryback just devoured Mae Young’s lover!”

Meanwhile Zack Ryder sulks in the corner. Oh they're holding this year's WrestleMania in his hometown? Oh, I didn't know that. So sorry.

Feud Verdict: Very Absurd

Jericho vs. Fanddannnnnngoooo

They brought Jericho back for this? I know Jericho likes helpin' out the youngins, but this is pushing things too far. Can Jericho bring out Awesom-o from his Robot Wars show or something?

Feud Veridct: A Huge Stinking Pile Of Absurdity (NUKE)

That's it for me. The next Raw will be a great, awesome show, excluding that one segment where Punk relieves himself in the urn and a mute Undertaker does nothing but glare.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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