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By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“I’m in a life without a home so this recognition’s not enough
I don’t care about nobody else
Cuz I’ve been on these streets way too long
Baby I’ve been on this too long”
-“Rolling Stone” by The Weeknd

I have never been this annoyed with both WWE and TNA from the years I’ve been watching them.

Starting with TNA, my main beef with them is that they made Jeff Hardy TNA champion. Granted, not everyone person who has held a World championship has been a perfect choir boy, but you thought that there would be some ill will towards Jeff after, you know, the Victory Road debacle. And, a history of no-showing events during his first TNA run. And, the fact that the flower child is making no bones about being open to a House of Hardcore gig when winter ends. But sure, let’s make the guy who caused one of wrestling’s biggest embrassments ever our World champion. Why not?

Was Austin Aries getting over? Ratings proved no, and turning Austin into a lame C.M. Punk copycat (script-tearing up and all) blew my mind on just how dumb it was.

Devon revealed as the masked man for Aces & Eights? You didn’t see that coming. Points to that. However, some slight concerns arise that when Devon was unmasked, everybody in the arena went, “Wuh?” We like our reveals to at least make sense, too.

Damn, it’s good to see Matt Morgan back. Can’t wait till he sells me on Direct Auto insurance with Wiz Khafia rappin' in the background. And, by the way (in best Chael Sonnen voice), Wizzy, you absolutely suck.

Loved the Storm-Roode match. Was it too low on the card? Yes. It’s hard not to feel that after the tag team match, the PPV kinda staggered towards the end. It was a respectable PPV, but TNA’s booking makes me think they don’t know their asses from their elbows at times.

WWE’s pissing me off too lately. When John Cena gets injured, their back-up plan is apparently Vince McMahon in main events. Too bad cloning humans isn't a option. I'll watch a Vince vs. Vince match.

If C.M. Punk really wanted to ruin Vince’s mood, he would just announce at the top of the show that he’s facing Ryback, kill whatever hype WWE was going with, and Raw would have to go with the proposed Vince McMahon vs. Paul Heyman match. ("ECW! ECW! ECW!")

At one point, Raw comes out of commercial to the Three Men Band singing in Nashville, which was um, amusing. However, after that, apparently we’ve got this tag team match going on that we're jumping right in. No Epico/Primo entrances needed, nor even a real reason to care. Good to know that this tag team match means absolutely nothing because the Rhodes Scholars are facing Mysterio and Sin Cara on the next Raw.




Things like this make me pretty sure more time was spent on crafting comedy skits than entertaining matches. "Look Vince, he's talking out of his butt!" "Ha ha ha ha! Give that guy three skits per show now."

Not sure if talking about Big Show’s 45-second title reign is the best thing to mention before the PPV. It’s like they want to deliberabetly sabotage this Show-Sheamus match before it has a chance. Well, it has more than a chance than what Stephan Bonnar had last Saturday night facing Anderson Silva at the UFC PPV. Yay, Anderson. You’re the biggest PPV killer today. Whoo.




Kofi Kingston takes offense that Miz pointed out the truth that he’s just a go-happy guy. Kofi will put on his serious face for the next few weeks, Jim Ross will throw him some love, and then WWE will forget about Mr. Boom-Boom.

Dolph Ziggler isn’t a chump. He isn’t losing flat out. He just hangs around with losers and blow matches, which isn’t really something to boast about. Stealing the show? Not quite. More like coasting. But, you can't put that on the back of his tights.

How to turn A.J. Lee, a girl who many guys fell in love with, to being that ho-hum girl who has annoying baggage that makes her unappealing.

I would like to make a bet that Jim Ross is drinking beers out of BBQ sauce bottles from paper bags. I would if I was commenting on Raw for three hours.

I would also like to think Miz will get blamed for Kofi caving in his skull. "You're supposed to put your hand up, dummy! Now you're bleeding all over my ring."

Y'all catch that NFL commercial where a mom talks with Tom Brady about how NFL is really super concerned about concussions and how they are combatting it? WWE's combatting that as well. They've got a Saturday morning show with the "no contact" rule to appeal to parents. I'm pretty sure they were telling Miz, who just received a new hole in his head, to stop bleeding already.

Your newest puppies that WWE is pushing: Wade Barrett and Antonio Cesaro. Alberto Del Rio dominating on TV is a given, but nobody expects him to move past that particular level in the near future.

WWE teaming up with the Rolling Stones will be huge. WrestleMania 29 will be massive. C.M. Punk vs. Ryback will be... not be any of those things. It’s a stop gap, with the allure of seeing what Hungry Hippo Ryback will do while John Cena recuperates.




Some say Ryback will be champion at the PPV because you just can’t mess with the undefeated streak. It’s the time of year where Vince go with surprise champions (Miz becoming WWE champion for one year, for example). I won’t doubt that it would be a shot in the arm, but it will be a short-lived shot in the arm. Nobody expects Ryback to hold onto the championship for very long if he did win.

They could do a set up where Ryback wins, but then gets injured by C.M. Punk, and Punk gains back the gold with Ryback never officially losing...but that’s a messy and confusing situation to book. The big goal right now is Rock vs. Punk at the Rumble. I’ll go with Punk retaining.

The character of Ryback is so dumb at this point, if Ryback did win the gold, people would expect him to eat the belt because he thinks there’s chocolate inside.

Of course, Vince could just announce that it’s a handicap match at the PPV, because, well, he’s Super Vince. Thank goodness the egomanic didn’t book himself in the PPV match.

Back to Raw. The end of the show featured everybody telling each other to shut up after we waited all night to hear them speak. Well, not Ryback. He doesn’t say a word. Just sneaks in ho-hos in his mouth.

So, Ryback doesn’t care about the WWE Title? Ryback, care to retort? Whoops, mouth is full of ding-dongs, Cole.

John Cena pumps up Ryback by basically cheerleading for him. Only thing missing was pom-pom and a bullhorn. WWE Legend John Cena was chanting “Feed Him More” like Ryback was in a hot-dog eating contest.

Meanwhile, Zack Ryder sheds a tear and whisper, “You used to hype me up, John. Look, I can eat too! Watch me scarf this down." Later Ryder was found face-down in a pool of bile and vomit. And, YouTube won’t air the footage. So sad.

Will John Cena make his presence felt at the PPV? You betcha. The crowd likes Ryback, but it sure would be nice if Ryback was at least a bit believable. It would be nice too if Ryback had a “DAMN!” move, like a spear or a jackhammer. Him marching around the ring before his final move makes me think Ryback was in the marching band in high school. It looks silly. I try to squint my eyes and make believe Ryback is Goldberg, but his whole character is aimed at kids. I can’t take the Cookie Monster with muscles seriously.




Wrestling characters have to at least be believable on some level. You could be the Ultimate Warrior, if you loaded up enough Columbia rocket fuel to the rocketship. At this point, Ryback isn't a human being.

In a strange concidence, WWE Hell in the Cell will take place in Atlanta, which is Goldberg’s stomping grounds. If we all pool together our money, I'm sure we can pay Goldberg to at least send a Tout (asking price: $500,000 for 15 seconds). It could be of you eating cereal, Goldy.

Raw tonight was sluggish. Like Batista in an MMA match type of sluggish. Ratings will take a big hit. Sooner or later, they’ll get the point that they need to get back to two hours, much like Batista will learn that making movies is an easier way to make money.

So long, ladies and germs. Much love and kisses...or whatever, dummies. I’m not John Cena and you’re not Ryback. You don’t need pumping up before a PPV match. Unless you are really Ryback, then let me say that I’m your biggest fan. It would be a honor to be eaten by you. Uh, that sounded wrong.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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