By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“Then I got a taste of the benefits
Five foot and change
There’s no better way to hash it out
So let’s set up your time to fail”
-“Face to the Floor” by Chevelle

Can you feel it?

The wait is almost over…

"Anchorman 2" will be coming out! It’s gonna be so slad, bros!




Sure, WrestleMania this Sunday is cool, too. Doesn’t compare to what Hogan and Sting are doing, of course. Mesmerizing stuff.

It’s natural to feel a little giddy this time of the season, but let’s inject some cold reality: the mid-card. Yikes. A random money in the bank match would hit the spot here. Alas, it’s not to be.




(Thanks to reader Matthew for the pic)

- With that in mind, Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus will more than likely open WrestleMania. My prediction? Sheamus for the win. A.J. in some way causes Bryan to lose, and then there will be six weeks of uncomfortable Bad Boyfriend Bryan on Smackdown. It's true, ladies. Having sex with guys causes us to turn heel.

- After that, it's the “12-man, 12 paychecks” match, which sure is not rising above the hate garnered for them. Nope, it managed to somehow sink even lower. Maybe if this sucker wasn't some lame one-pin fall match and was a Survivor Series match-up, but we can't have nice things.

Some lessons to be learned here: great heel runs don’t last forever (Mark Henry, Christian). Evan Bourne might be cursed, stupid, or both. Miz will be forced to do a suicide dive outside with nobody to catch him. They're deep in the trenches creatively, trying to figure out how to best work in Booker's spinaroonie during a 12-man match. ("Who's the poor sap who's just going to stand there and watch him do it?")

I’ve yet to come across a YouTube comment that exclaimed the person is on “Team Teddy." How do you build an engaging GM vs. GM feud when they’re the same albeit some minor differences? I’m not interested in who’s running Smackdown; I’m looking for the gamut of heels from strange exotic worlds WWE will bring in after Mania.

- Up next, Big Show and Cody Rhodes will try to not take up too much of your time. Oh, somebody’s yawning. Let’s wrap it up, little guy. Sure thing, big buddy.

- Then, the Divas tag match. I suggest they bring their crossbows and do their own “Hunger Games.” Or, have a standard respectable match. Can we get a “We Want Crossbows” chant going during this match?

- After that, two tortured souls fight, which causes a lot of torture for fans: Orton vs. Kane. Look, it won’t be as bad as watching Snooki's birth live, but the feud and the match-up itself sure doesn’t feel like WrestleMania. Orton vs. Ron Paul, now that’s WrestleMania.

- Chris Jericho hates hipsters. Yeah, you kids with wearing your hoods indoors. Who ya trying to be, Luke Skywalker? I’ve got this clown called C.M. Drunk to deal with. I blasted his family. Called him a bastard. I’m an evil hobag. Muhahahaha. Have you caught my comedy act, you superfluous cretins?




It's a good thing WrestleMania came along. If WWE had another Raw to do, I’m sure Chris Jericho would claim that since C.M. Punk reads comics, that must make him a maladjusted social outcast who can’t handle the pressures of the real world, and thus the championship should go to Y2J.

I love the Jericho-Punk feud. Love it. Family exploiting and Punk snapping. I’m kidding, but, hey, it’s better than nothing. Look for these two to get their Savage-Steamboat on. You know, the feud between Savage and Steamboat involved crushing larynxes with ring bells and Steamboat learning how to speak again. Damn today’s wrestling feuds.

- After that, it's the clash of the titans with Taker-Trips. It’s Zeus vs. Hades, with Loki as the special guest ref. Quick question: Is anyone going into this match hyped up that it’s Taker vs. Trips, or that it’s a Hell in the Cell match? The answer? You had to ask? Hell in the Cell matches have been neutered. What was once a ferocious pitbull has become…Boo the dog. So cuddly. He only wants your soul.




Nah, you’re gonna get your epic match here. It’s extremely hard to find a flaw with how this feud has been built up. Just watching how Triple H handles hyping up this match...we’re in good hands here. Undertaker wins. Dies. Floats to heaven. Mr. Stephanie and The Faded Prima Donna bawl their eyes out. Six months from now, a photo surfaces showing the results of Taker’s sorta semi-successful sex change. Career over. RIP.

- After twitter bombing and rapping and singing and jests and “I slept with your mom” taunts, finally we’re here. Rock vs. Cena. Rock wants to hang another mantle on his wall. Gee, cheer for the guy who gets more pies and strudels in a week than you’ll get in a lifetime. Let’s cheer for the guy who’s stuck with us, who never left, because it was either this wrestling or “Hustle, Loyalty, Gold’s Gym Trainer.” This match is a dream match, and the fans will eat it up. I’m picking Cena to win, cuz Cena just don’t lose to both hipsters and movie stars, homies.

But, how are they going to end it? Will Cena and Rock shake hands afterwards? WrestleMania should always have the hook for fans to keep watching, to create a big buzz moment.

- Now, you’ll probably have read or head about the potential spoiler. Odds of it happening? Slim. Will it show that WWE keeps going back to old stars to get attention? Yup. And it will be all kinds of awesome. But…

IT’S NOT HAPPENING. SABLE FORBADES IT FROM HAPPENING. THE WRESTLING GOD JBL FORBADES IT FROM HAPPENING. WRESTLEMANIA SHOULD END LAMELY LIKE LAST YEAR'S AND FOR ALL ETERNITY.




That’s it for me. See you Sunday.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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