By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“You ain't gotta run and tell nobody they already know
We've been living on a high, they've been talking on a low”
-“Cameras” by Drake

Is Twitter sponsoring Survivor Series? Like I've heard of Stridex Pads sponsoring Summerslam and whatever goofy Toys R Us crap is sponsoring PPVs these days, but this Twitter obbession...it's not very healthy. It feels like Twittermania is...kinda clouding judgments. Like you’re not supposed to have guys call out how painfully stupid the last segment was twice in one night.




WWE is a bad place to be. Yes, I know, Rocky, Rocky, Rocky. But, besides Mr. Boots to Asses, nearly everything else has no significance, no meaning. As soon as they made Johnny Ace the interim G.M., I said, “I’m out.” And, boy, did it just get worse from there.

In every WWE fiscal year there remains one stretch where the product falls apart and becomes painful to watch. We’re there, ladies and gentlemen. This last stretch of Raws were...I shouldn’t feel like I’m heading for a torture session when I tune into Raw.

Maybe it was WWE pushing the notion that John Laurinaitis = Twitter Followers that made me hesitant to watch the rest of Raw.

Or, that out of roughly 10 hours of Raw content, we only got excited for hand puppets and a Hollywood star telling us to put shoes to butts.

“And for the Rock spoketh boots to asses, and in that day of Twitter history, lo and behold, the Twitter universe moved. Marvel at the one they call The Rock and his smarmy ego. Behold!” - The History Of Twitter, pg. 1189.

I felt fearful during that Rock segment. Like he was going to scream into the camera, “I’m going to take over America with my Twitter followers! Y’all can’t stop me! Imma whip out little Rock and y’all tweet about it! It’s not like you care about the rest of these wrestling scrubs! Muhahahaha!”




It’s not like the Twilight series has ever stopped in the middle of the movie and said, “Damn, this dialogue really sucks.” Nope, they just keep mum and take your money. Not WWE, though. They have to fill 200 hours of content per month and Vince McMahon is in a Nyquil-fueled haze. Some things are bound to suck. That’s fine. But when C.M. Punk goes, "Boy, that sucked hard," I shouldn't be saying, "Didn't he say that last week?" It's quite common place.

I would feel better about C.M. Punk vs. Alberto Del Rio if Kevin Nash were not lurking around. Will Punk ever get his revenge on Nash? Does Punk even care at this point? At one time, he stuck his WWE Title belt in the fridge; now, Punk might stick his head in the oven.

It seems "WWE '12" is No Mercy 2. It also seems like WWE tends to gush over every WWE wrestling video game.




WWE PPVs are marked nowadays by a big Twitter Bomb moment. Rings that can move around like hovercrafts, wrestlers riding in on elephants, and Kim Kardashian becoming Divas champion for 72 hours, all on PPV. I kind of like the duality between WWE's and TNA's PPVs. WWE PPVs are like football games I'm not particularly invested in. Most of them tend to be a drag until a exiciting moment appears. And TNA PPVs are calm, collected, and take great care not to wake you up from your slumber.

With that in mind, it wouldn’t shock me if Steve Carell (the guy Rock kissed in the movie “Get Smart”) swoops down and conks Cena’s noggin with an American steel pipe. Cena, naturally, would be fresh as a daisy on the next Raw and madly profess his fanboy love for Rock. Sigh. I’m going to start wishing for a Tim Tebow heel turn.

For all of those who criticize that Survivor Series is a one-trick pony (Cena-Rock) and that Awesome Truth look awesomely weak and even if they win who cares because WWE won’t go anywhere with it...you’re right. And you’re also wrong. My dear mom, who doesn’t watch wrestling and only checks in for Wrestlemania, Survivor Series, and the Royal Rumble (“the one with all of the guys in the ring”) is ordering the PPV. Why? The Rock. She saw the Survivor Series commercial while watching football boasting “Rock! Cena! Never before, never again (and also not really true)!” and that was enough. I’m watching it with her and when Steve Carell dressed in a chicken suit does the nasty with a prone Cena with Cole cheering on, we’ll switch over to the football game and never watch wrestling again.

Survivor Series will do big. Mainly for one guy. Meanwhile the rest of the card...I’m at a loss. John Morrison vs. Dolph Ziggler at the PPV? Is it booked that Dolph will wear a V for Vendetta mask and snuff out JoMo? Did WWE deport Wade Barrett months ago and just bring him back? Isn’t Cody Rhodes on a big roll? Why isn’t he captain? Wait, why am I complaining? There’s going to be a big Twitter bomb moment, and you just gotta be there!

And, doesn't it make you feel good inside to know that WWE will take money of the Survivor Series revenue and spend it on making more WWE movies and trying to figure out what to do with a WWE Network that doesn't have a home? Ahhhhh. I want to see Trips play an ex-con again, mom!




Thanks for reading.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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