By Shane McKinley, PWTorch absurdity specialist

"I'm a hustle junkie, I'm a grind slave
More money than mistakes is what I've made
Money on my mind, I got my mind made
If money grow on trees I'm tryin' to find shade"
-"Scared Money" by Young Jeezy

For WWE fans, it's hard to beat your chest and go, "WWE 4 Life!" when their PPV build-up consists of announcers stroking their chins and amusedly bemusing what it would be like if pint-downing President Obama commented on some wrestling PPV in June. We're at Defcom 4, Mr. President! That can wait, I got to talk about how spectacular WWE Superstars are.

Bourne. Bourne Never Changes. Whittle Evan. We're about ready to upchuck if we hear "lucky" and other drivel thrown our way about him. A Evan Bourne TV win is like throwing a penny down a wishing well: it's a worthless gesture. Will anything come of it? Probably not. With guys like Bourne and Swagger, you see a lot of starts and stops.




Those WWE "BBQ" bits were the most vanilla things I have ever seen. You couldn't find anything remotely offensive in those bits featuring dudes eating BBQ in a vacant parking lot. "Look, WWE's just as boring as you people! Take that, watchdogs. We got rid of our half-naked car-washing Divas and replaced them with ... the lighting guys eating chicken in a empty parking lot." Exciting. All that was missing was a Coldplay song.




So, now it's toned-down Cole, which means people lost interest in heel Michael Cole. Is it over? Is it safe to come out? Can I watch Smackdown un-muted? Oh right, Booker.

Alex Riley, the hero for our times. Next week, he'll be paired up with Cthulhu and be cheered. Compared to Miz and Cole, this guy looks like a saint. Even though he likes to beat up defenseless puppies in his spare time. The real Riley will be shown when he doesn't have any safety lines out there.




I'm hoping Awesome Kong swings her baby at the Bella Twins's heads in a year's time and knocks them out cold. Best moment of the night was when Kharma spoke about her time scrubbing dojo floors in Japan and wrestling in dank and stank places. Worst moment? The technical audio snafu at the start of the show. WWE had to replay the entire "R-Truth hates whittle Cena Jimmys" bit again to set up the "Truth throws soda in some dude's face" bit. Wonderful.




This Cena-Truth feud needs time to fester, to grow, to sink in. Truth spent the majority of the main event fighting the fans, not fighting Cena. It's nice and all, but there still work to be done in why Truth hates Cena (Truth's son? t-shirt sales? Cena's Movies?) and what holding the WWE Title would mean to Truth. Truth's character has that "unpredictability" factor, where it's conceivable he could piledrive a little Jimmy.




Raw nowadays has that quaint charm to it, like watching "This Old House" or reruns of "The Brady Bunch." There are things in the works for the Raw mid-card, but WWE hasn't give fans much reason to care if Kofi retains the U.S. Title or about Evan Bourne. Punk vs. Mysterio delivered and the Kharma bit was a nice touch, but most of the show was eh.




Raw's Absurd Verdict: Very Absurd

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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