By Shane McKinley, PWTorch absurdity specialist

“Confuse what you can of the ending
And revise your despise so impending
'Cause I soak on the wrath
That you didn't quite mask”
-“Chalk Dust Torture” by Phish

“How I spent my weekend” by Jimmy (R-Truth's invisible friend).

On Saturday, my family sold all of their belongings because the world was supposed to end or something.

Then, on Sunday, I saw John Cena get tortured like Rambo.

It was a weird weekend.

***

What’s odder: That R-Truth speaks to invisible kids or that it came as a shock that his music didn’t play when he won the opening match. I’m looking forward to the next nutty thing he says, but sometimes his shtick does go on a bit long. But, hey, the man’s insane.

Todd Grisham, happy to be starring in “The Hangover 2,” is here to ask some dumb backstage questions to The Miz. To be honest, I was expecting WWE to go to some elaborate stunt, but torturing Cena, hey, that makes everybody happy. You'll be happy, too, if you pick up the 3-disc collection of WWE's EntertainmentMania.




Maybe ratings are down across the board because of annoying Michael Cole commentary? Readers have emailed me saying that they play music during muted Smackdown. Whenever Cole goes overboard, I cue up Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb.” On this PPV, Cole was screaming, "Shad up little Jimmy!" like an addict and I was receiving no pain.

It’s Seattle, and, according to WWE, the only interesting thing people in Seattle do is throw dead fish. Nothing odd about Mikey Cole rubbing his feet in dead fish for his foot fetish match with Jerry Lawler.

Video package of Corre vs. Ezekiel Jackson: Corre runs in and kicks the crap out of Zeke. PPV match of Wade Barrett vs. Ezekiel Jackson: Ditto. Sometimes it feels like I'm watching the fourth re-run of the same WWE segment.

Give a round of applause for Zeke for doing all of those bodyslams. We know that when Mason Ryan actually does a suplex, that’s a sign of the Apocalypse. Mason Ryan might as well be wearing water-wings in the ring.

Here’s hoping C.M. Punk stays with WWE. That dude is entertaining with his antics on the ring apron.

WWE’s anti-bully campaign: “Know how you stop bullying? Beat up the bullies." Then, you see Big Show destroying Francis's face with his fist. Message delivered.

Sin Cara’s got his own unique push and ring lights. Isn’t that special. His moves impress the impressionable, but older fans are getting bored with the same Sin Cara moves they’ve seen over and over. I wish they would pick up the pace with Sin Cara.

Alberto Del Rio and Kane cracking jokes? I likie. Not so much of a fan of overshadowing the mid-card titles by pumping up a foot match, though.

WWE’s next PPV, Capitol Punishment, will be the “political” one. Personally, I would like to see a “Republicans vs. Democrats” match (with the Red vs. Blue brands replacing the Bragging Rights PPV) featuring WWE stars, although, the average wrestler will tend to be Republican (or Libertarian like Apocalyptic Kane) because they don’t want to lose their money. But, when it comes to discussing politics, WWE will stick to crass jokes and have big ears on an Obama impersonator. Let’s throw out a big bag of money to Batista and see if he shows up in his hometown, eh?

About the Divas match: Did Kharma miss her flight? No Kharma in a divas match? Swerve, losers! Heh heh! I'm a bit surprised the smart, sexy, and powerful Divas haven’t yet brought back-up to their matches yet. How about the "sexy, powerful, and possibly brain damaged Divas?"

Oh man, how good was that Orton-Christian match? It was even better than their Smackdown one. My favorite part was when Christian went to do a sunset flip and Orton was waiting for him with a RKO (the finish to the Smackdown match), but Christian countered it. Something clicked in my brain and went, “Hey, these guys scouted each other. And, hey, following this storyline on television is important.” The match was crisp, concise, and was really, really enjoyable to watch.

Although, why did crazy Christian with spittle on his mouth start freaking out and yelling out for “beer?” I don't get it. Maybe he was really thirsty. Or maybe he was chanting “deer” because he saw a deer in the stands? Please help.




How do you define payoff: Michael Cole, covered in JR’s BBQ sauce, in a sharpshooter by Bret Hart, while sucking Jerry Lawler’s foot. Anything more added to that situation and you would have to pay extra. I wonder if with the proposed Cole-Eve feud they’ll paint Cole as a scumbag sexist.

While Orton-Christian was red-hot, this wasn’t much of a WWE PPV. How do you save a lagging WWE PPV? Have some good ol' fashioned John Cena torture.








Even though Miz lost, he still won something, as laid out by Jim Ross in the script. Those “wrap-up” lines usually tell you, “Hey, dummy, this is what we were shooting for” (and it’s also a writer’s chance to shine with cheesy lines like “Randy Orton has slithered his way to the top of food chain"). The wrap-up line for Miz-Cena was that we saw a truly evil side of Miz, but Cena never gives up.

Dude, Cena’s skin could be flayed off his body and he wouldn’t give up. Even when it turned into a handicap match, everyone knew Cena would still win. What made the match interesting was the uncomfortable torture Miz put Cena through. I especially liked Miz taunting Cena about how he was going to cave in his skull with fire hydrants and such, and Miz yelling at the little Cena pukesters in the front row was memorable. The match was a worthy addition to the Cena “I Quit” matches (available next Tuesday at Best Buy), and there have been worse “Cena faces impossible odds, but overcomes” matches.

Truly, in this article, the absurdity was pushed...over the limit.

That’s it for me. Back to watching Savage matches.

Absurd Over The Limit Verdict: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

We suggest these recent related articles...

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw: HBK To Crossbow Lesnar On Sunday, WWE Asks Paul Bearer's Ashes To Sell Mania, Punk & Triple H's Post-Mania Plans, Cash Cow Cena = Bieber?

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - State of WM29 Card: Rock & Cena To Sing About Buffalo Nipples To Get Heat, What Heyman Should Have Stipulated To Hunter, Punk To Relieve Himself In Urn To Get Heat

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw & TNA: Using The Recently-Dead For Storylines, Bully Ray King Of Da World, Swagger To Be Sold To N. Korea Post-WM29, And Raw Gets A Flat