By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist




So, the first NXT season is over. But don't start crying, NXT Season 2 is tonight. (Now start crying!) There were four main things that I learned over the course of the first NXT season:

(1) I can suspend disbelief on staged performances in wrestling, but I can't accept wrestlers engaged in a soda guzzling competition.

(2) Boy, WWE sure hurried up and booted NXT wrestlers after people started to lose interest. Hopefully one of the tweaks they'll make for next season is to not take three months to get to the point.

(3) Some of Michael Cole's finest work. Ever. You can have your Randy Orton babyface bandwagon, but I'm sticking with Cole ragging on the Internet and vegans.

(4) That "Wild & Young" NXT theme song must be on endless loop in hell. Kindergarten songs would be a blessing compared to this music horror.

During the NXT Season One finale, they showcased the new wrestlers coming in for Season 2. If you haven't caught it, here is what they look like...

Husky Harris

What he looks like:




Who he reminds me of:




The late Dave Williams of Drowning Pool, Roadblock, Jake “The Milkman” Milliman, any
fat guy with a shirt off.

Potential Nicknames: The KFC Special, Hot Tub Lard Machine, Fatty Blackjack, JBL's Manboobs II: The Return, Not a son of a plumber but a %#@! I.R.S. agent.

Synopsis: The chubster will bring back the glory days of when wrestlers drank beer, wrestled, then drank some more beer. What will probably happen: he'll get crowd support and showcase some solid in-ring work, but to no avail. We're talking about Vince "No Fat
People, folks" McMahon.

What he'll do with his Pro, Cody Rhodes: Talk to him constantly about how great his dad was and then eat him by mistake.

***

Eli Cottonwood

What he looks like:




Who he reminds me of:




Potential Nicknames: The New #1 Contender To The World Heavyweight Title

Synopsis: He's over seven feet tall. As long as he can walk down the ramp, he'll have a job with WWE.

What he'll do with his Pro, John Morrison: Get ready for hilarious hi-jinks as JoMo tries to teach the big fella to dance! And how to feel! Until Eli picks up JoMo and throws him through the Titantron.

***

Percy Watson

What he looks like:




Who he reminds me of:




Eddie Murphy with glasses on, Ernest "The Cat" Miller

Potential Nicknames: Jiff Ramsey, Johnny B. Badd

Synopsis: I'll just pretend Eddie Murphy decided to start wrestling. Have fun losing.

What he'll do with his Pro, MVP: Mr. Porter is still with the company? I dunno, boast about hitting the VIP room, but in reality try to pick up girls at the local McDonald's.

***

Titus O'Neil

What he looks like:




Who he reminds me of:




Ahmed Johnson? Ezekiel Jackson? Zeus? A brick wall? A black hole where nothing exists?

Potential Nicknames: The Most Uninteresting Man In Sports Entertainment

Synopsis: Titus's video package was so brutal it made me long to be in school for a three-hour lecture. There's boring and then there's "annoyingly boring."

What he'll do with his Pro, Zack Ryder: Ryder will be bouncing off the walls while Titus will try to complete a sentence that isn't sleep-inducing.

***

Kaval

What he looks like:




Who he reminds me of: That classic flick of when a crazed shaloin monk killed people by foot stomping them from a high advantage point.

Potential Nicknames: Low-Ki, the foot stomp guy who puts on make-up

Synopsis: Your Bryan Danielson replacement. Because we want some more Michael Cole fury, darn it!

What he'll do with his Pros, Laycool: First, have a big laugh about the pairing, then talk about how great "Sex and the City 2" and "Glee" are.




***

Lucky Cannon

What he kinda looks like:




What he'll be cast as:




Potential Nicknames: Spammy Sam, The Spaminetor, The Spam of Spams, The Spamtaker.

Synopsis: Just finding a pic of Jon Emminger a/k/a Lucky takes incredible luck. He's lucky...and that's about it. Be prepared for great "luck" puns from the announcers. So I guess he look likes Sawyer from "Lost" and he'll be cast as "The Spam Man," defeating opponents with cans of spam. Hey, people will accept this crap.

What he'll do with his Pro, Mark Henry: Lucky will be the fall guy when Henry cripples a class of eight-graders "accidently" and burns down the entire school "by mistake." Remember Lucky, you gotta invoke your right to remain silent aloud nowadays. Take one for the team.

Micheal McGilllete...Gillecutte...Gilliputty...McGillicutty

What he looks like:




Who he reminds me of:




Pittsburgh Steelers QB Ben Rothesber....Roseseffburger....Roesethberger...(ARGH) Roethlisberger

Potential Nicknames: CTRL + V, Mikey McGillettecuddy

Creative: "We need a name that's cutting-edge, like McCutter, McEdgey, McSlice, McSharpy...Let's see...he looks sort of hairy...Gillette Shaving Razors...Bingo! McGillicut...ty!"

Joe Hennig is the son of Mr. Perfect, which already makes him a winner in my book. McGillicutty isn't the weirdest wrestling name (Jack Swagger took some time to get used to), but I would love to find out the name proposals that were rejected.

What he'll do with his Pro, Kofi Kingston: Bowl a perfect game blindfolded and then spit and smack his gum at Kofi.

Alex Riley

What he looks like:




Who he reminds me of:




Matt Striker, Christopher Nowinski.

Potential Nicknames: "Hey, the guy who reminds me a lot of Matt Striker."

Synopsis: I guess Matt Striker has outlived his usefulness. If the wrestling thing doesn't work out for the Riley, give this guy a job with a mic.

What he'll do with his Pro, The Miz: Try to be edgy. Not Mr. Anderson type of edgy, but edgy in the PG sense.

All in all, the NXT season was...um...it was certainly unique. Here's to the next season of NXT.

Remember kids, if you want to become a wrestler, there's only one drink NXT wrestlers choose: Pepsi. The choice of the NXT generation. Ok, I kid. We're all sure that they won't go down that silly route again, right? Oh, hell. Save me, Half Pint Brawlers!




Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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