By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

"Hold up, let's get back to my loved ones
Those of y'all that been with me
Helped me to exercise my demons
Brought them to the gym with me"
-"Top Of The World" by Joe Budden

To the Twitter Real-Time Stream Machine! Follow me, won't you? @Shanetexascedt.

Let's start with Jack Swagger's inner thoughts during MizTV: "Do I have cajones? Oh God, I don't know!" Dey took ur jobs! Zeb is killing it. I forgot Jack Swagger was even there.




Wow. WrestleMania 21 video replays. Damn, WWE. I'm flabbergasted. I'm expecting a WWE movie reference in every segment now. Speaking of which, Sheamus, who isn't known for his comedic chops, making fun of Wade Barrett's acting chops. How many movie trailers will this Raw have? In Insert Catchy Name For A WWE Studios Movie #91, Wade Barrett played Thug #3. Sheamus is making smartasses like me seem like reasonable men. I wonder how much of this promo Barrett actually wrote himself. Nobody says, "Envy seeps out of your pores," in real life. I'm sure someone in Marketing thought, "With this feud, we can have 'Dead Man Down' trailers in every segment!"

Damien Sandow: "He assailed the castle that is my body." Last week, R-Truth beat up Sandow. This week, R-Truth beat up Sandow. But, loads of great Sandow quotes.




I have no idea why they wanted to suffocate Daniel Bryan in a black bag. Blindfold is fine enough, but no, we want Bryan TO LOSE AIR. I still wonder whose call it was for Daniel Bryan to wear a grisly black bag over his head like a war prisoner. Yeah, WWE's Tag Team Division is dead, but now they're peeing on the corpse. Can Prime Time Playas beat anyone? Overall, what was the point of that Team Hell No match? It's like asking why that Donald Trump video package was so damn long.

Still waiting for somebody to tell me why they couldn't have just blindfolded Bryan. In the meantime, looking for Daniel Bryan's black bag mask on WWEShop. Haven't found it yet.

Sheamus vs. Shield? Wait, wasn't Sheamus stuck in some dumbass movie feud with Wade Barrett? I smell your WrestleMania match here, even though it seems like a repeat. Guessing Orton, Sheamus, and Ryback vs. Shield?

Back to Swagger. Apparently "Real Americans" get a free pass if it's good for business. Is Jack Swagger stoned in the ring right now? This match with Miz had little flow to it.

Lawler and Cole bust out the Sonic. Maybe I should stop watching Raw and go pick up some Sonic?

Oh yeah, the new WWE Title belt. It's fine, but I'm not crazy about the "swapping" sideplates. Rock's New Belt: The "Spinner" belt was a toy! This one, if you push this button...smoke comes out of the bull's nostrils!

Cole: "You watch Smackdown, right?" Lawler: (voice cracking) "Of course!"

Recap #89 time. Triple H kicked Brock Lesnar's bannana-shoe wearin' ass. Man, Brock Lesnar was bleeding like a pig. Wait...is that Ol' Dirty Bastard touting? WHAT. "I'll bloody ya like a cool badass, and then I'll use social media like a cool badass."




Main Event Time. Well, not quite. John Cena talks, but all I'm thinking about is "Mean" Mark showing up. Can John Cena beat God? Admit it, you hesitated with your answer.

Chris Jericho, when he's not losing to new stars, has some "Real Steel" robot show. Better than what I've got going on.

So, about the Divas, who were M.I.A. tonight. I'm guessing they'll have the remaining Divas do the Harlem Shake or some other garbage at WrestleMania?

This man returned! The Tout Man! Who is the Tout Man? Rumors are rampant. Cool way to kill the Taker buzz, guys.

John Cena at times reminds me of an older Justin Bieber who urges his Bieberities to never give up and to back him. Never Say Never. Damn, I often know what Michael Cole is going to say before he says it. "Big Fight Feel." I dig it when the Five Moves of Doom get broken up before it gets going.

We pause for a C.M. Punk Promo Mode. I must say that I am the most handsome and witty of all the PWTorch staff and contributors. Nobody can touch me. Best in the World.

It would be a hell of a thing if a WWE match ended during commerical (or something shocking happened) and only WWE Active people got to see it. (Editor's Note: Sure thought it was going to happen during Ryback vs. Ziggler.)

Hey, look, a fresh Five Knuckle Shuffle sequence. Nice sequences here. Powerbomb by Cena and this seems like one of the matches you wish you could view live. A piledriver? Now that's shocking. When's the last time you saw a piledriver on WWE TV?




Cena and Punk are pulling out all the stops here. Even a Cenacanrana. Guess what, Punk? Yer a loser. A loseeerrrrr. Heck of a match. What's next for C.M. Punk? And, Cena's coming home. Nice job, Shield.

Raw Champs: Cena-Punk match, John Cena, C.M. Punk, Badass Triple H, Mark Henry-Khali feud ended?, Del-Rio, Dutch, Sandow Commentary.

Raw Chumps: Social Media Triple H (Touting?), Jack Swagger's Punishment (What Punishment?), WWE's Glen Beck/Oscars/Movie Trailers Obsession, Antonio Cesaro, Sheamus-Barrett feud, Prime Time Playas, Team Hell No match, Brock Lesnar's cute little banana shoes.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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