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Absurdity of it All
ABSURDITY OF IT ALL: So, Jack Swagger's Road To WrestleMania Starts With A DUI Arrest

Feb 21, 2013 - 10:06:31 AM
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By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

"Before he started doing all the hard time that he's doing
He was singing in them honky-tonks and dives
He dreamed of being somebody, now he's number 37,405"


-"Number 37,405" by Tim McGraw

(Cools fingers just like my boy John Cena...)

When Jack Swagger won the Elimination Chamber at the Elimination Chamber PPV, many people groaned. Here was this guy people weren't exactly fawning over with, but like good little WWE soldiers we largely accepted it, because we could see the value of the Alberto Del Rio-Jack Swagger storyline. And, because, deep down, we didn't really want Mark Henry tearing apart peasants like Genghis Khan. Nah, no thanks. No, I rather see Mark Henry fight a giraffe who can't walk.

When Jack Swagger got arrested for driving under the influence, speeding, and marijuana possession, people largely seem to be...shocked that it wasn't someone else. People are largely not supporting the All-American American.

Wrestler got caught holding a bag of weed? Hey, wasn't that RVD last week? But, there's no quips I can make about driving under the influence and speeding because it's not funny business. It's a dumb mistake.

And, the timing of it all. Hell, if Swaggah got arrested right after the PPV, we could convince ourselves that Swagger winning was just a mirage or a fever dream. But no, we had Jack Swagger's "State Of The Union" address on Raw to cement the fact that he's facing Alberto Del Rio. He picked the worst time to commit a bonehead act.

Let's face the facts: Swagger vs. Alberto Del Rio had very good odds of being the opener of the PPV. Swagger can be a bore in the ring, so I wasn't all that keen on seeing these two guys match up. I was more interested in seeing how "controversial" WWE would take this angle in this PG era, and if "Dirty" Dutch Mantell would saying something truly shocking or if they would just blandly hint of such ideas, but never truly embracing them.

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Is an immigration storyline relevant? It sure ain't Obamacare, Russia's meteor, or the fact that 2013 looks to be mostly full of suck for video-gamers. But, it's something.

So, what does WWE do with Jack Swagger? Have Uncle Zeb, depressed that Swagger just ain't like his pappy, put the boots to him and find a "True American?" A man that has intelligence, integrity, and intensity? Well, maybe not so much on the first two, but he sure kicks ass in the ring.

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Okay, that's a gigantic stretch. But, hey, he's the one of the few remaining Gold Medalist at some archaic sport called "Wrestling."

WWE still has time before WrestleMania to make the switch. Let's be honest: Jack Swagger isn't the guy that makes this angle go. It's Dutch Mantell and Alberto Del Rio's success as a babyface character. Find some meathead, stick the "The Patriot" gimmick on him, and bam!

And, maybe they can turn Jack Swagger into a "herbal cigarettes" guy. Catchphrases like "Gunna git Swaggerized Tonight!" and The "420 Lock." Looking even more zoned out. You know, the type of guy real stoners reject, but the WWE Universe goes, "Woah, he's a real pothead."

So, what do I think should happen? I say switch him out in another guy. Keeping him in does send a bad message. People make mistakes, but to make a mistake during a big, big push when you just came back...that's not a mistake. It's pure dumbass.

Even better yet, have Bruno Sammartino just annihilate Swagger in the ring as punishment. Like if Bruno even grazes by Jack, the Swagger Man has to throw himself into a backflip and pretend to be shot with a cannonball. Super Sellin' Swaggie will make Shawn Michaels go, "That's kid got talent."

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I'm pretty sure that even a zealot character like Uncle Zeb would have a hard time determining that "driving drunk/stoned at high speeds" is worse than the dying dream of a nation full of Uncle Zebs (as if it ever was).

I feel WWE should bring in actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Have Phil do some lines from "The Ides of March." Imagine Swagger getting lines like "You didn't make a mistake, you made a choice." Or, "There's only one thing that I value in this world, Steven...Jack, and that's loyalty, and without it, you're nothing." Or, "I'm letting you go not because you're not good enough, but because I value trust over skill." And, "Hey, you WWE folks, where the hell is my money for doing this?"

But, if they do keep Swaggy in, at least Alberto Del Rio has promo material. Which I'm sure will be handled in good taste. Wink.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com


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