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Absurdity of it All
ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw: Rock Calls Former Title A Toy, Lawler & Cole Sell Toys, Did You Know: Absurdity Was In "Dead Man Down," And, Sure, Khali Will Be A Great Opponent For Henry

Feb 19, 2013 - 11:08:21 AM
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By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“Take this sinking boat
And point it home
We’ve still got time”

-“Falling Slowly” by Josh Groban

The Paul Heyman skit in the middle of Raw was off-putting and awkward. (Guess who’s the special assistant to Vickie Guerrero? Our boy Brad Maddox. Super. How about announcing Raw going back to two hours?)

But, off-putting and awkward is what a Vince McMahon segment typically is these days. I felt the show was going off the rails at that point, but the point of the skit was this: Vince vs. Paul next week. There’s nothing stopping Brock Lesnar from showing up during this Heyman-Vince “fight” and breaking Vinnie’s hips again (the sound will be like a plywood breaking), only to be stopped by Trips.

WWE’s new toys look like breakdancers who have violent muscle spasms and are writhing on the floor. "Look, Jimmy, Sheamus is going through convulsions. Sweet."

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Nobody takes winning the Royal Rumble seriously, since there’s a plethora of opportunities for guys to get into the main event (a la C.M. Punk). Next week: C.M. Punk vs. John Cena in Dallas. Hey, a certain dead man lives near Dallas.

Frankly, I’m easy with C.M. Punk's WrestleMania scenario, because no matter what happens, C.M. Punk is inevitably going to have to run around the ring for a busted-up dude. Hey, which current wrestler got a marching band to celebrate his "Restholds Match?"

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Showing a trailer for “Dead Man Down” featuring Wade Barrett? Good. What’s not so good: Not having a trailer showing Wade Barrett at all. How are we even sure he's in the movie? Did we even see Wade in the trailer? Hell, I can claim to be in “Dead Man Down,” too.

And, having Sheamus (for no good reason) piss on the entire parade afterward didnn’t help either man. Nix the Sheamus thing. Show the trailer, have Wade gloat about being a big Hollywood star, and then go to pimping out your toys that spaz out.

Mark Henry vs. The Great Khali hopefully happens, because I don’t want to view Mark Henry as a dominant monster. I want to view him as a chump. I want another Mark Henry to start talking to a plastic hand in a fatherly manner. I want Mark Henry's push to take a nosedive into the earth. I want him to join Brodus Clay and Tensai as a dancing fool...wait, that's too evil.

This WrestleMania card appears to be an odd one with two “Anti-American” matches of Miz vs. Antonio Cesaro and Swagger vs. Del Rio. You’re not gonna find me rooting against Cesaro, who’s the Jason Statham of WWE - he kicks ass and doesn’t sleep in a bed. I like him better than the asshat who does Ric Flair’s submission move.

The problem with Jack Swagger matches lately is that he’s been gone for the better part of last year and...he’s still the same insufferable bore in the ring. Luckily, the crowd is responding favorably to Del Rio and his rotund manservant. There will be some pandering and keeping stuff simple in this feud. Should WWE have Uncle Zeb say something really outlandish?

Uncle Zeb’s “controversial statements” aren’t really that controversial. He’s not really saying anything outlandish or extremely bigoted. He’s just offering his opinion, and fans can take it from there. I don’t think too much heat will come down on WWE during this whole angle, because frankly I don’t expect Uncle Zeb to saying anything too crazy, like “Alberto Del Rio is just like Kobe Bryant because…" *mic cuts off and Uncle Zeb is taken away in handcuffs.

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The Patriot Lock? The Patriot Act? Would be nice if they confirmed what his finishing move was going to be called from the get-go. But, something about this whole Jack Swagger push makes me think he’s not exactly their top priority at the moment.

For Team Ziggler, it’s hard not to notice WWE giving a lot of shine to Big E. Langston. At some point, the character of Ziggler will complain that Langston is stealing his spotlight.

For The Shield, it’s hard not to notice WWE giving a lot of shine to Roman Reigns. WWE’s done a nice job booking Shield working great as a team and having each guy develop a unique personality. (The crazy talker, the high-flier, and the muscle.) It’s not just a lot of lower-carders wearing t-shirts with “N” on them. With their big wins recently, you feel confident that WWE’s got future plans for these guys.

Guess what? Important stuff is happening next week. But, up next, Rock celebrates (again) his WWE Title defense. Some feel that Rock’s done his part for the WWE. He brought in new eyeballs, PPV buys, and so forth. The problem is that it seems all the questions about Rock have been answered, and that he’ll bring nothing new to the table. Indeed, Rock-Cena does feel like a re-run in many ways.

Following up fat guys dancing (somehow, I’m thinking Triple H sealed the Bruno Sammartino deal with footage of Tensai dancing) with Swagger’s State Of The Union and tons of commercials in between is as brutal as a baseball bat to the head.

Shield picked up a shocking win at the PPV. Know what would be shocking? If one of the Rhodes Scholars picked up a singles victory. That Sandow match was needed to keep off the chump status, and R-Truth returning was a crowd-pleaser. After the first televised match that Kofi Kingston wins, streamers and confetti should fall from the ceiling.

Man. G.I. Joe co-stars D.J. and Adriane have to watch Raw live. Just adding to their shame.

Maybe Daniel Bryan and Kane should go see a “feelings” doctor. Will their WrestleMania match-up be silly or serious? After the match, will they skip up the ramp hand-in-hand? Can Daniel Bryan get a hair-cut?

Main Event talking time. Will the WWE Title lose its importance later in the year? Probably. Let’s hope they don’t lose it.

Of course, we’re not off to a good start when the WWE spinning title that was the main title for the last eight years is referred to as a “toy” by the Rock. Jeff Hardy's title looked like some art-school piece of crap, but I don't recall anybody mentioning on air that it look stupid. "But, it spins, Rocky." Rock’s gonna unveil the new WWE Title.

The new title is unveiled, and behold the majesty of the WWE Logo and two snarling bulls on the side. If Rock wanted pink streamers on the damn thing, the WWE Title would have pink streamers. Heck, it would be a tinfoil belt with drawings of Rock’s Pancakes on it. The main thing that matters is how much people respect it. And, before C.M. Punk’s year-long reign, many viewed it as “just another title." The new title looks fine, if a bit drab and dingy and ugly and gawdy and cheesy and uninspiring. Sure doesn’t beat the classic “WWF Wings” belt.

That’s it for me. See y’all later.

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Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com


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