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Absurdity of it All
ABSURDITY OF IT ALL SPECIAL: Who's The Bigger Movie Star - Rock or Hogan? Where Do Stone Cold, Cena, and Piper Rank?, Worst Wrestling Movie Poster Ever

Feb 9, 2013 - 6:30:24 PM
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By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

Is Rock the biggest movie star who was formerly a wrestler? Let’s take a look down at other wrestlers and their movie careers and see where they rank. We’re only counting ones who did more than one movie, so Andre the Giant in “The Princess Bride," Kane in “See No Evil," Undertaker in “Suburban Commando," Big Show in “Jingle All The Way," Mick Foley in “Big Money Hustlas," or Edge in “WWE Films Presents: BarfFart” do not count.

The Rock

Biggest Claim To Fame: “Fast Five," where he had a bro-off with Vin Diesel.

Biggest Mistake: “The Tooth Fairy," where he wore a Tutu and was crying out for help. I believe that sad moment in his career is what drives his insane three-hour work-outs. Under his breath, you can hear him muttering, "Fairy! Fairy! Fairy!"

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Movie Career Synopsis: “Saturday Night Live” was one thing, but Starring in “The Scorpion King” with the late Micheal Clarke Duncan was a moment for Rock fans. However, it was the signal that he would soon be sucked into Hollywood and would leave wrestling.

“The Rundown” is where Arnold Schwarzenegger seemingly passed the “action hero torch” to Rocky. Rock then starred in “Walking Tall” and “Be Cool," decent enough pictures. Rock then starred in “Girdiron Gang," a movie that I found to be pretty good, and could show a wrestler could do more than just punch bad guys.

But then Rocky lost his way in the mid 2000s. “Doom?" “The Game Plan?" “Race To Witch Mountain?" “Southland Tales?" “The Tooth Fairy?" As the man would say, these were hot garbage. Rock’s Agent, who loved Schwarzenegger and hated Rocky, was telling him, “I’m telling ya, being a fairy will do wonders for your image. Heh heh."

So, Rock fired that candyass agent and decided to hit those weights again. He did a quick bit in “The Other Guys," where he’s buddies with Samuel L. MotherEffin’ Jackson and they jump off a roof together. “Fast Five” is where to me Rock was considered a Hollywood star. A sequel is on its way, and Rock’s starring in that new G.I. Joe flick, which I’m sure C.M. Punk is not jealous at all about.

Verdict: The Great One

"Stone Cold" Steve Austin

Biggest Claim To Fame: The Expendables.

Biggest Mistake: The upcoming “Grown Ups 2," where he plays a guy called “Dennis Cavanaugh." "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, a sober stay at home dad living in the suburbs? Sounds like that.

Movie Career Synopsis: I have fond memories of Stone Cold chokin’ on a crouton on the TV series “Nash Bridges." Stone Cold’s first movie was “The Longest Yard” starring as a racist prison guard, alongside The Great Stagnant Khali, and Kevin Nash. Check out the following clip: It’s a piece of wrestling history.



From there, Stone Cold starred in WWE Films's “The Condemned," which I consider one of the worst action movies ever made (commits the greatest action movie sin in being boring as hell). From there, you find Stone Cold in the Direct-To-DVD basket at Walmart, starring in movies like “Hunt To Kill," “Tactical Force," “Total Pain," “Super Badass," “Unreserved Meanness," “Mean Feelings," “Maximum Conviction,” and “The Package." In some of these, ol’ Stone Cold starred alongside old '80s action stars. Even Sylvester Stallone would go, “Yo, uh, these guys, they too old, uh ya know uh."

Verdict: What? What? What?

Roddy Piper

Biggest Claim To Fame: They Live

Biggest Mistake: Not piledriving obese kids in “Rowdy Roddy Piper Fights Childhood Obesity.”

Movie Career Synopsis: Consider me shocked. I thought that the only movie Piper starred in was “They Live” (alongside Evil Dead, required viewing for any teenage boy). “They Live” has a classic fight scene, and “They Live” is why you’ll see me wearing sunglasses all the time. “They Live” is a majestic piece of work for every American to see. Turns out Piper’s done a hella of a lot of movies...just movies you’ve never heard of.

Let's cue up “Hell Comes To Frogtown," where here’s the plot:

“‘Hell’ is the name of the hero of the story. He’s a prisoner of the women who now run the USA after a nuclear/biological war. Results of the war are that mutants have evolved, and the human race is in danger of extinction due to infertility. Hell is given the task of helping in the rescue of a group of fertile women from the harem of the mutant leader (resembling a frog).

Hell cannot escape since he has a bomb attached to his private parts which will detonate.”

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Going down his movie career list, there’s a lot of movies that sound like a great companion to a two-day bender in the middle of a school/work week. Which ones should I choose from Piper’s Pit? “Legless Larry & The Lipstick Lady?" “Last To Surrender?" “Shut Up and Shoot?" “Alien Opponent?" “Tough And Deadly?" Hopefully these are all on Netflix.

Whether it’s playing Smiley in “Fancypants” or Homeless George in “The Portal," Piper’s had a pretty long and considerably pretty weird movie career. Hopefully he does a cameo in Rock’s “Pain & Gain” movie, playing the role of “Crazy Old Stinky Gym Guy."

Verdict: “When Roddy Piper’s good, he’s doggone good. When he’s bad, he’s better.”

Triple H

Biggest Claim To Fame: Almost was considered to play the role of Thor.

Biggest Mistake: Not crippling all the guys who were considered to play Thor and by process of elimination he could have played Thor.

Movie Career Synopsis: “Blade: Trinity?" “The Chaperone?" “Inside Out?” No sir. No thank you.

I like the thought that while Trips is preparing for Brock Lesnar for this year's Mania, he’s recording lines for that upcoming “Scooby-Doo Saves WrestleMania” movie.

By the way, if the cartoon version of Brock Lesnar doesn’t break Shaggy’s arms in that movie, I ain’t watching.

Verdict: “Triple H is average, not as good as an actor as Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson or John Cena” –Verghesejunior from India, who just blew getting into the WWE Hall of Fame.

Bonus Verdict: “Boy, this WWE Films division was a bad idea. Let’s try out this WWE Network thing!” – WWE.

John Cena

Biggest Claim To Fame: “The Marine.”

Biggest Mistake: Starring in a movie that has this tagline: “Fred’s Gotta Go!...To Camp IWannaPeePee!”

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Movie Career Synopsis: John Cena fought a Terminator in “The Marine," fought a psycho in “12 Rounds," and fought feelings in “Legendary."

“Legendary” was noticeable in that WWE Films was damn committed in portraying this film as a “good WWE film, honest!” The film was also noticeable for having only a mere 18 days between the theatrical and home video releases. It was almost as if they knew it was going to be a legendary bomb at theaters.

After “The Reunion” bombed (I had no idea that that movie even existed until Cena mentioned it), John Cena got scared off movies in general. Will John Cena overcome the odds and star in a decent flick? The odds are stacked against him.

Verdict: “We can’t see you, Cena, because your movies aren’t in theaters long enough!” – The Miz

Kevin Nash

Biggest Claim To Fame: “Why are you yelling at me? All I did was care!” – “The Longest Yard”

Biggest Mistake: Dressing up like Oz. Oh wait, that’s his wrestling career.

Movie Career Synopsis: He played Super Shredder, an estrogenic prison guard, a Russian thug in “The Punisher," a mover in “Grandma’s Boy," a fighter in “Dead Or Alive," Colonel Crookshanks in “Monster Brawl," starred with Kurt Angle and Sid Vicious in a movie called “River of Darkness” (see below), a comedy that has a fraternity pledging a baby, and an aging stripper in “Magic Mike."

Pretty damn varied movie career for our man.

Verdict: Generations from now will one day realize this man’s greatness and intelligence. And plus this “River of Darkness” cover. I never knew the sorry, sordid depths that humans could produce until I saw this cover.

riverofdarkness.jpg



Batista

Biggest Claim To Fame: Shooting Ja Rule in the head in “Wrong Side Of Town.”

Biggest Mistake: Batista has never made a mistake in his life. Ever.

Movie Career Synopsis: "See Batista get into his car! See Batista drive! See Batista get out of his car! See Batista punch!" Um, that’s about it for his movie career. Too bad he can’t shoot Ja Rule in all his movies.

Jesse Ventura

Biggest Claim To Fame: Saying “I Ain’t Got Time To Bleed” in the '80s.

Biggest Mistake: Saying “Sure, I’ll do this ‘Woodshop’ movie!” in the '10s.

Movie Career Synopsis: C’mon, “Predator?" “Ol’ Painless?" Great stuff. Then following up this movie by playing Captain Freedom in “The Running Man?” Let me ask you, are you ready for pain? [ Video URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LazUZz3K6IY ]



Then, Jesse’s movie career went into outer space. “Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe?" Pfff. Didn’t realize Jesse Ventura was such a nerd. “Demolition Man?" I guess enough to justify his role in WCW in '93. Recently he played an angry woodshop teacher that probably talks about the conspiracies of woodshops. They’re out to subvert your mind, people.

Verdict: Too much to hope for a role in “Expendables 3?" Probably.

Hulk Hogan

Biggest Claim To Fame: “Sniff…Sniff…What’s That Smell?” – No Holds Barred.

Biggest Mistake: Hogan could have conquered Hollywood easily, but all of those movie companies hated making money and didn’t want to hire Hulk Hogan.

Movie Career Synopsis: Rocky 3 came out in 1982. Hulk Hogan starred in Rocky 3 as “Thunderlips." It’s my favorite wrestling action in a regular movie. Granted, other than the opening credits of “Highlander” (hey, Michael Hayes), there are not a lot of regular movies where they showcase wrestling. But, Thunderlips fought Rocky, and it was a treat. [ Video URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1_uCeBCYtU ]



Man, look on how young Hogan was. Stallone at Hogan’s Hall of Fame introduction would joke that he knew Hogan when he had a receding hairline.

This meatball then starred in “No Holds Barred," which to me was Vince McMahon’s wet dream in the '80s. Heck, a feud was born out of this movie. 2012 saw WWE re-releasing this flick, as the few smart moves WWE Films has done.

Kids everywhere thought Hogan was a cool guy as he starred in “Suburban Commando." Like Rock, Hogan donned a tutu in “Mr. Nanny." Heck, as a kid I thought the TV series “Thunder in Paradise” was one of the coolest thing ever.

But, Hogan just kept doing the kid schlock. From there Hogan would star in films like “Spy Hard," “The Secret Agent Club," “The Ultimate Weapon," and “Muppets From Space."

During this time it was quite a sight to see "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan - dressed in NWO black and portrayed as a big Hollywood star - cut a promo in the ring pimping out “Santa With Muscles."

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Not quite “Fast Five” stuff here.

Verdict: At least Hulk didn’t go to Camp IWannaPeePee.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com


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