By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“Welcome, my son,
To where the work is never done
And the hungry are seldom ever fed”
-“Dept. Of False Hope” by Bad Religion

The pain of seeing Tensai dance in lingerie was bad, but not as bad as getting shot in the eye. By now you may have heard about the story of 77-year-old wrestling fan Thomas Dotterer - with a hole in his eye socket - talk about how it made him mad that Rock won the WWE Title from C.M. Punk at the Royal Rumble.

Here’s a picture of Thomas a/k/a the most badass wrestling fan in America.




When WWE rolled out that “30-somethings talk about Royal Rumble” ad, it felt like a stretch. After all, WWE’s mainly for kiddies. Grown-ups talking excitedly about Royal Rumble? Yeah, right.

I also like how the WWE App (which shows another 30-something couple) is going to add even more WWE content. For three hours on Monday Night you can’t eat, relieve yourself, or even say hello to your loved ones. Nope, you gotta catch the new tease for the JBL & Cole Show.

WWE is hoping that by bringing back Brock, Rock, and Jericho, it will get the older demographic to tune in. But, everyone knows that once these stars go away, we’ll get even more bottom-of-the-barrel non-sense.

That’s why it warms the cockles of my old, bitter wrestling heart to hear that Mr. Dotterer has been a wrestling fan since the 1940s. Kinda put the “I’ve been watching since the '90s” thing in perspective.

Vince McMahon is nearing 70, but strangely enough I don’t give a fig that Brock Lesnar F5'ed him and poor ol' Vince broke his ass. Maybe because at this time of year Vince is always up for a concussion or injury if it’s good for business.

I remember the Cena vs. Edge vs. Big Show at a previous WrestleMania as a solid enough triple threat match (after I was sure it was gonna bomb like hell). Other than Undertaker, C.M. Punk’s just simply too much on a roll to “drop down the ladder." It doesn’t mean it can’t happen, but I sure hope it doesn’t.

I like to think the Prime Time Playas exit every one of their conversations singing “Million of Dollas” and dancing away backwards, crab-like.

Apparently the WWE Universe is on this quest to find Tensai’s “inner freak dancing machine.” WWE Creative: “He was so boorrrrring as a Japanese monster, which is totally not our fault.” If you want to describe WWE to someone who has been out of the loop, you would have to add “dancing” to your lexicon when describing it. I also like the idea that when a wrestler dances in lingerie in WWE, we’re supposed to think, “Well, this means his career’s on the rise."

In sad news, Rhodes Scholars are (suddenly) breaking up. What does this mean for their individual careers? Hopefully more meaningful things than their tag team career.

In sadder news, WWE’s “Are You Serious” ran its last episode. Sniff. It’s true, the good ones do die young.

And, in truly heart-breaking news, TNA Impact is going to air Impacts away from the quiet, dissolute graveyard that is the Impact Zone. Wait, that’s actually good news. Not even piped-in cheers could save that place. Those tourists just couldn’t play along.

The Great Khali is pretty much the updated version of the Giant Gonzalez (still picking Gonzalez if these two giants ever throw down). Once the Great Khali retires, WWE will search the globe for another 7’7” skyscraper who can barely walk and has two moves. No one broke their TV in rage when they found out that Khali’s in the Smackdown Elimination Chamber match.




Looking forward to Raw, or to see how WWE confidently and with the greatest of ease (he writes with no laden sarcasm) sets the table concerning their big storylines: Why isn’t Paul Heyman fired? How will Heyman protect C.M. Punk? Will he protect C.M. Punk? What’s to be done with Brock Lesnar? Can we put aside garbage comedy skits for the next two months? Will Rock get Mr. Dotterer on his side by showing him his million dollar Super Bowl Commercial where he’s wearing jammies?

On Raw, they have Miz interviewing Paul Heyman. Heyman might be the second greatest liar I’ve seen on television. The first? [ Video URL: http://youtu.be/vn_PSJsl0LQ ]



It’s the Super Bowl this week, but to me the hype has a somber tone to it. The headline has been Ravens’s LB Ray Lewis linked to alleged PED use. (I recommend reading this article about PEDs in sports here at Grantland.com.) The author of that article brings up this point: If we’re so concerned about PED use in sports, then why aren’t we doing more to stop it? Why did most of us turn a blind eye to the “miraculous comeback” of Lance Armstrong?

What’s your stance about PED/HGH/Steroids use in professional wrestling?

In sports, they worry about PED use because they’re concerned about the honor of the game. In wrestling it’s a little more complex than that. There's a history of wrestlers juicing to look better than their colleagues on television. It’s also a hypercompetitive world, and a wrestler can’t make ground with the fans if he is absent all the time dealing with injuries. When wrestlers get injured, their status with the company does play a part. Some wrestling companies make sure that the fans know that Mr. X is alive and he’s coming back on this date (Steve Austin when Owen Hart broke his neck). Others they forget that the person even exists (Christian? Where are you?). And others can’t afford to miss a nationally televised show or the entire world will explode (John Cena). Some abuse painkillers, medication, alcohol, etc.

Does it look like Rock’s juicing? Yes, it does. Does it mean that he is? No.

Rock doesn’t need to come out and defend accusations. These are grown men and women who decide what to put into bodies, and they’ll have to deal with any potential consequences that come their way. In wrestling, the culture of PEDs is different from that of sports. Doesn’t make it right or wrong, it means that how the audience views it is different. I think the nature of the wrestling business will always constitute a culture of “enhancements." I do believe modern sports can do away with PED use if they honestly and truly stepped up their game to get rid of them, but I don't expect to see any real changes in my lifetime. Which is hopefully till I'm 77-years-old and still talking about John Cena.

Anyways, looking forward to The Rock’s “Got Milk” ad during the Super Bowl. I'm guessing my mom will point him out and go, “Hey, it’s The Rock!” She couldn’t point out John Cena or C.M. Punk, but she knows who Rock is.

So, Rock became WWE champion because of the “Moms know who he is” defense. I’m sure Mr. Dotterer will understand.




That’s it for me. Hoping the 49ers and Ravens have a “0” in their score ending out a quarter so that I can win…hundreds of dollas! Hundred of dollas! Hundred of dollas! *Dances backwards into far distance*




Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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