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Absurdity of it All
ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Royal Rumble: Rock Sure Is A Swell Guy, Cena & Bo Dallas Share A Ring, XXL Chair vs. Duct Tape, WCW Didn't Ruin Everything

Jan 28, 2013 - 11:15:57 AM
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By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

Time for some Royal Rumble levity, not from Santino or Tensai, but from the Twitter Live Stream of Absurd Thoughts via @Shanetexascedt.

"People are talking about the #Royal Rumble. " Everything now has a #hashtag catchphrase nowadays to it. Even the end of the world. Meanwhile, Rock: Came in, was WWE champion for two months, then I did my teddy bear movie. Sweet deal.

Since Del Rio vs. Big Show is the opener, many will say that Del Rio will win to set off the PPV on a happy note. I'll stick with Andre's son winning. Why the nervous laugh, Ricardo? Oh, hi, Bret Hart. Bret Hart: Forget 20th Anniversary of Raw, I'm here to call Del Rio the "Mexican Bret Hart." Yep, Del Rio's face turn is much better than Miz's.

You can tell the ring has been reinforced because of the different sound it makes when a wrestler takes a bump. Still love the sound of ol' WCW rings. #WCWdidn'truineverything. Del Rio: You see, I can do all Rey Mysterio's moves. C'mon, Knucklehead, TKO this fool. I hope that XXL-sized chair doesn't make an appearance in this match. Oh dear. The duct tape. This is still cheap duct-taping someone to the rope. It's not "Absolutely brilliant."

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To be honest, I would rather have the Tag Title match first, but maybe Bret Hart had other plans tonight and this had to go first.

Who puts the holes in A.J.'s shirts? Dolph chooses #1 in the Rumble, not that it makes any difference whatsoever. A.J.: My Ziggy. If your girlfriend's nickname for you is "Ziggy," that's bad. Big E. Langston has been hiding that Gumbel voice. Meanwhile, I'm wondering about the mental state of WWE Creative right now.

"The Wildcat" didn't get over. Will "The Dazzler" get over? Signs point to no. Remember when Anger Management's Charlie Sheen was teased to do something with Daniel Bryan? Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler doesn't know who Josh Mathews is, and that he calls Smackdown. Damn. Is there a option on my remote to get more serious announcing here? I'm looking for it. I understand extended goofy announcing during TV broadcasts, but for PPV broadcasts, I don't get it. It distracts from the match. Team Hell No retains, all thanks to Dr. Shelby. Weird-ass show so far.

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Kinda expecting a commerical in this PPV starring the World Heavyweight Champion selling Duct Tape.

Two hours, two matches left. It looks like the Rumble's up next, starring "My Ziggy," who didn't want to be known as the #2 guy. Meanwhile, Bryan: I show you mine, you show me yours. Kane: You would feel inadequate. Whoa, name the penis references bits in Royal Rumble history.

Stream of Rumble Thoughts

Oh hai, Chris. It sounds like Jerry Lawler's having another heart attack seeing Chris Jericho arrive. Chris Jericho: Host of that fighting robot show and owner of more hairstyles than humanely possible. "You've Still Got it." Jericho: "I never lost it, baby! Stop thinking me as old!" Old Wrestling Fan: I remember when Jericho didn't have tattoos.

Rumble match so far: Ring General Y2J and young pups. Who's coming up next? Puppet H. Cole: "Which member of the 3MB?" JBL: "Does it matter?" Ha ha. Cole: "The ring filling up with Superstars, and also Drew McIntyre." McIntyre's eliminated! No! Not McIntyre!

It's the freak himself, Goldust. Y2J, Goldust...nice stars to bring back. Ooof...Tensai? Damn. Can't he just go back to being Prince Albert? A-Train? Don't worry, folks, guys like Tensai and Brodus Clay means somebody good is coming up next.

Okay, now Kofi has to do some Super Mario Bros. jumping back to the ring. Sorry, Bo Dallas, this chair that Kofi's bouncing around is more important than you. Kofi is a great athlete doing some tremendous chair-bouncing.

Godfather is here. He's with models, not "hoes." Probably the most PG hoes you'll see. It looks like they just came from a church function. Ziggy doesn't likes the hoes. Okay, Rumble, can we get serious here? You eliminate Godfather in record time. You have Kofi do some chair-bouncing. What the hell.

John Cena vs. Everybody. No problem. Probably the only time we'll see Bo Dallas and John Cena in the same ring. Also, Bo Dallas winning the Rumble would cause everyone to complain. "Bo Dallas vs. The Rock? That's gonna absolutely suck!" It feels like there needs to be one more star nobody was expecting to see. You want to feel there still will be a suprise entry.

Whoa. Zack Ryder in the Rumble. And Daniel just eliminated Kane. Okay, could have done without Bryan holding Kane in an ... awkward position. Anyway to let them know their PPV has too much hokey comedy? I suppose Rock-Punk will be the "serious" portion of the show. Sin Cara, and then Ryback. That's your final entries folks. Y2J was a great grab by WWE. And, Bo Dallas just eliminated the IC champion. Whoa. I don't think you could have asked for a better night for Bo Dallas. It looks like he's in a new feud.

Final Three: Ryback, Cena, and a wet-looking Sheamus. Why doesn't a guy just duct-tape his own legs to the bottom rope, so that he can't be eliminated in the Royal Rumble? Meanwhile, Ryback's got his invisible pom-poms out, chanting "Feed Me Moar." Cena wins. Camera shot shows girl in the front row is unimpressed. Congrats, John. Looking forward to your next inane promo about bowel movements and downward dogs.

Overall, the Rumble match was the Cena show. Not the most exicting finish. Ryback was teased, but that's it. Bo Dallas got some love. Y2J was cool. The Daniel Bryan-Kane relationship is more creepy than Brooke Hogan and Bully Ray relationship.

Time for Rock vs. Punk. But, first, touch Rock's hands, kids. Touch The Rock's hands through the TV and feel his inspiration. Unless you're a fat biatch like Vickie Guerrero. Nice "You all count" promo from Rock. I like how Rock talks about adversity and comes off looking like a great guy. John Cena could give that same promo, but many of you wouldn't believe a word of it.

"Mommy! That man ripped up my sign!" "Don't worry, I'll complain to Vince himself." Fast-forward to the ending, no, the other ending. I haven't heard Cole scream, "That was a robbery! A damn, damn robbery!" in a long time. And, Rock wins with the Elbow.

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Pretty cool show. I think the Punk-Rock match made everybody happy. Rock comes out looking like a great guy.

PPV Verdict: In The Middle Of Absurdity


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