By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“Your narrow escape
Has wiped the smile right from your face
Those starved dogs howling
Run to hunt you down”
-“Hunted Down” by Soundgarden

First, I would like to raise my hand up and say, does anyone have a definition for "IWC?" I see that pop up in wrestling forums and in the comments sections for YouTube videos. Is IWC a brand-new wrestling organization people are raving about? If it is, I truly love it.

WWE Royal Rumble comes to you live from Arizona. Rock vs. Punk is the steak while the rest of the card…is the green parsley on the side. Will Rock become champion? Will Cena win the Rumble? Will this PPV dull the pain for Arizona Cardinals fans? Did Brooke Hogan have another wardrobe malfunction as you read the last sentence? Probably. Here are some PPV predictions.

Pre-Show United States Championship Match: Miz vs. Antonio Cesaro

I’m watching WCW Slamboree 1996, and talk about an old-school pre-PPV show. First up is the duo of Eric Bischoff and Dusty Rhodes announcing some Jimmy Hart’s Dopes vs. The American Males match. After the match, The Giant (a/k/a Big Show) comes in and chokeslams people, because that’s all Big Show did in the '90s. Then, Chris Benoit and Kevin Sullivan talk about their forced tag team partnership later in the night. Then, the black-and-white PPV hype video airs. Cue up body slammin’, '90s rock music and the promise that these gentlemen will fight to get into the “Battle Bowl." Text lines on the bottom of the screen demanding that you call your cable operator now to order.




From the '90s cheesiness of the video, I’m not sure if they’re selling me on a PPV or a Pog War here.

What is Pog? It’s the name of a brand new independent wrestling organization. Actually they were small little discs that you bought and you slammed it down or something. You knew of one rich douchebag kid who had a massive collection of Pogs. Hey, we didn’t have smartphones or common sense back then.

And, yes, WWF had their own Pogs.




There’s frankly a lot of comedy in old WCW PPVs. Hell, right now I’m watching the Road Warriors yelling at the top of their voices and using violent gestures, recounting about how they were reading a magazine on the plane. Then, their blood vessels burst in their heads in front of Mean Gene.

Miz vs. Antonio is on the YouTube pre-show, so if Miz screws up the figure-four leglock again, at least people didn’t have to pay for it. And, if you’re defending your title on the YouTube show, it’s a weak title. I’ll go with Miz winning here, because that swell guy should represent us Americans.

It’s not like replaying the last John Cena promo is going to entice people to buy the PPV. “Hey, he’s talking about $12 Coffee Drinks and Blow-up Dolls in the last segment of the last Raw before the PPV! Awesome. We’re just gonna edit that segment to like...four words. Is that cool?”

Absurd Prediction: Miz winning with some sort of cherished submission hold, then shows off his massive Pog collection.

WWE Tag Team Titles Match: The Rhodes Scholars vs. Team Hell No

The great thing about Dr. Shelby is that he can be face or heel. You can definitely picture Shelbs coming in and bopping Daniel Bryan over the head with a plastic bat. In the following weeks, we can see evil corrupt Shelby’s soul, as he grows a evil mustache just like Cody Rhodes.

Of course, if you keep him babyface, just think of the merchadizing options. T-shirts. Talk shows. Catchphrases. Movie deals. Dr. Shelby is gonna get pushed to the moon. It won’t be just Rock and Brock that will save WWE in 2013, no sir. You count on this man. The game-changer. The X-factor. The man who would make the Ravens’s Ray Lewis his biatch. (You see, just like Rock, if I add an “i” to the B-word, it keeps it PG.)

And, oh, Team Hipsters vs. Team Middle Earth freaks are fighting for titles and the freedom for men to hug other men in WWE. Well, the latter stipulation I just made up, but WWE isn't paying much mind to this match, so I'll just add in my absurd stipulation.

Should be a nice little match. I’ll go with the Rhodes Scholars winning here, causing dissension with Team Hell No, which will come into play later in the Rumble match. Who doesn’t like to see a pissed-off Kane eliminating people in the Rumble match? It’s cathartic to us.

Absurd Prediction: Team Hipster wins, Damien Sandow suffers Cartwheel-related injury, and men can’t hug other men anymore.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Big Show in a Last Man Standing Match for World Heavyweight Title

I have a feeling that this is gonna be one of the more “fun” Last Man Standing matches. You see, Last Man Standing matches used to be reserved for the blow-off matches, the ultimate final say for a feud that had reached its final chapter. But, much like Pogs, that idea went by the wayside and now we have Del Rio, who just became champion seemingly yesterday, thrown into this match.

It seems like the vibe for this match is what can Del Rio and his butler put on top of Big Show to keep him down for the ten count.

Remember when WWE had one Last Man Standing match end with a wrestler duct-taping his opponent’s legs to the ringpost?




That said, I'm smelling a Big Show victory here. The biggest thing for me is thinking who’s gonna be champion in the World Title match at WrestleMania, and I have a gut feeling it will be Big Show.

Absurd Prediction: Big Show punches out Ricardo, then Del Rio rushes to his manservant’s aid, but is stopped by Show throwing Del Rio’s $500,000 sports car on top of him.

Rock vs. Punk for The WWE Title

When it’s 8:00 p.m. and you’re at work wrapping up a long week, you often find yourself thinking, “I could really use a beer right now.” How does straight-edge C.M. Punk do it? How does he take the edge off? He takes the edge off by beating you jerks’s hero, namely Booty Man.

Actually, Rock. Still watching WCW Slamboree, and that’s the guy who came down the ramp. No joke.

Can Punk best the Big Kahuna? Will the 463,353,413-days title reign of C.M. Punk end? Will The Shield interfere? Is Brock Lesnar The Shield’s Higher Power? Is Brock Lesnar Aces & Eights’s Higher Power? Is Brock Lesnar God? Will Hulk Hogan wrestle again? Can Brooke Hogan’s boobs stay in her shirt?

If Rock does win the WWE Title, it will be a more momentous occasion than when Rock saw “Ted” and decided he needed to make a teddy bear movie, too.




There’s gonna be massive trade-off if either man loses. It’s essentially a coin flip, with pros and cons for either man winning. I’ll go with C.M. Punk winning, because his mind isn’t on casting the director for his teddy bear movie, and I feel that Rock should chase after the WWE Title a bit more. Of course, WWE could have a bit stripping Punk of the title, but not awarding it to The Rock, which I’m sure the PPV crowd will be sensible about. It's okay, folks! John Cena will be showing up soon!

Absurd Prediction: C.M. Punk wins after he calls the cops on Rock for punching him too hard in the face.

The Royal Rumble #CenaVersusWorld

Many wrestling fans have their own personal favorite Rumbles. ’08 and '92 are my two favorites. Some previous Royal Rumbles you watch and you go, “Boy, they really didn’t have a lot of talent back then." Some have storylines. Some have the surprise nostalgia acts. And some have Michael Cole and leprechauns. I don’t know where this one stands, but so far...it doesn’t look very pretty.

Dolph Ziggler won the #BeatTheClock challenge, and for his reward he’s starting out the match. This made-up punishment was given by heel G.M. Vickie. Dolph’s a heel, by the way.

So, like Ric Flair in the '92 Rumble, I’m guessing Dolphy will last an awful long time in the ring. I expect Kofi Kingston to get knocked off the apron, but land on top of the announcing table. You might see The Shield, but you defintaely will see all three members of 3MB rockin’ it out at some point. Hopefully this Rumble doesn’t veer too far in WWE campy comedy, but we just might see everybody in this Rumble match stopping and hugging and singing.

Sheamus and Alberto Del Rio have won the Rumble in recent years, so perhaps another young pup might win this year, namely Ryback (sorry, NXT’s Bo Dallas). It would certainly give his career a huge kick in the pants after quasi-losing to The Shield in recent PPV outings.

With Ryback winning, I see the following happen. Ryback does Shell-Shock on Big Show at WrestleMania and becomes World Heavyweight champion. But then Ziggler cashes in his briefcase, etc. That’s just one booking scenario.

Cena and Rock don’t necessarily need to win their respective PPV matches to meet up at WrestleMania (or even to face for the WWE Title). I’ll go with Cena winning as the standard option, but I’m thinking at this point Ryback winning might be the better option. If you think about it, there seems to be only three guys to win this thing: Cena, Ryback, or Dolph Ziggler (which is a long, long shot).

Absurd Prediction: Ryback wins after besting both Golderg and Gillberg.

That’s it for me. Here are my predictions for surprise Royal Rumble entries this year: Puppet H, Billy Kidman, and Road Dogg. By the way, WWE’s “Are You Serious?” is my favorite of WWE's 1,042 YouTube shows. Hopefully they can explain what IWC stands for in their next episode.




Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

We suggest these recent related articles...

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw: HBK To Crossbow Lesnar On Sunday, WWE Asks Paul Bearer's Ashes To Sell Mania, Punk & Triple H's Post-Mania Plans, Cash Cow Cena = Bieber?

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - State of WM29 Card: Rock & Cena To Sing About Buffalo Nipples To Get Heat, What Heyman Should Have Stipulated To Hunter, Punk To Relieve Himself In Urn To Get Heat

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw & TNA: Using The Recently-Dead For Storylines, Bully Ray King Of Da World, Swagger To Be Sold To N. Korea Post-WM29, And Raw Gets A Flat