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Absurdity of it All
ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw: Rock Sings To The Cops, Dr. Shelby Gets More TV Time Than Rhodes Scholars, And My Passionate Plea For A Respectable John Cena Promo

Jan 23, 2013 - 11:30:06 AM
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By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

"Man worships the gospel that they preach to you
Living like a demon, a burden left to prove
You can live your life in heaven or create your hell
We will write our end result with every tale we tell"

-"Days Are Numbered" by Black Veil Brides

Can't log into Twitter tonight due to situations surrounding MLK Day, so some old-fashioned Absurdity writing.

Rock has been standing with San Jose's finest for nearly an hour, and they are blushing like schoolgirls. At this point Rock could tell these cops to give him their guns.

How does Rock beefing with Vickie really help Rock-Punk this Sunday? Dunno. But so far this is my second favorite Rock-Cops promo of all time. What's the first?



I like how the cop in that clip is just not playing along.

Back from commercial. Will Rock actually enter the arena? 'Til he does, here's some jokers who can't match up to his megastar level.

Cole announces we're playing Raw Roulette next Monday. Probably shouldn't talk about a stupid concept Raw that will follow one of the biggest PPVs of the year.

C.M. Punk is in the ring, and he's laying down a Harley Race-like Promo. He holds this WWE Title more closely than his family. And that ol' WWE Title gets some major prestige from C.M. Punk.

C.M. Punk isn't interested in singing songs and telling jokes. He wants to add this "Honest Arrogrance" promo in his greatest hits collection.

Basically, C.M. Punk is calling Rock a phony, a fake. I'm guessing Punk isn't going to go see "Pain & Gain." Dubstep, steroids, and big-ass explosions? That's real to me, homies.

...Sorry, I was transfixed by C.M. Punk's promo. This is truly great stuff. The delivery and the structure of the promo is excellent.

Up next, John Cena addresses the WWE Universe. I should expect him to blow past that C.M. Punk promo with Photoshop pics and talks of big bowel movements. Or, things much, much worse...

Rock, with his charisma, has charmed the cops to arrest Vickie for breaking the law of being too fat.

Here's Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz. If you haven't watched WWE lately, guess who the babyface is.

Lawler: "Ric Flair has bestowed the figure-four leglock to The Miz." Gahhhhh. Give me some warning before you say that, Jerry. I have to accept that nugget as truth.

Loud "Let's Go Ziggler" chants. Kinda like the Baltimore Ravens fan chanting in the Patriots's stadium on Sunday.

It's snap, crackle, pop time. Slap on that figure-four. It's known as the one of the very few Miz Moves people pop for.

Nothing says "these guys are in a frenzy trying to win the beat the clock" by...going to commercial. It's been two matches and they've cut in the middle of the match twice. Would it kill them to have the match end during the commercial break, and then taunt that the ending of the match can be seen on the WWE App? Wait, I'm giving them too many ideas...

Miz pins with the tights, which is a cheap move. Cole screams: "Any means necessary!" Sure. You'll say the same thing if Miz deliberately runs over my dog.

Lookee look, Ziggler wins. Cole laments about how poor Miz was screwed by these guys.

There's gonna be "shooting spray panels" at the Royal Rumble fan experience, in case you have a desire to shoot former heart-attack victim Jerry Lawler with a paintgun. I know I do.

I can access Twitter again. Free to tweet at last! Free at last! Nah, I'll stick with this.

It's Dr. Shelby in a graduation cap. Kane and Daniel Bryan are graduating in their anger management class.

You see, Rock? We don't need you. We've got this for major ratings.

Whoa, this skit looks to have consumed all of the creative brain cells of WWE Creative.

Is there a Tag Title match this Sunday? Dunno. Dr. Shelby is bringing the humor.

Our beloved Kane has put on a graduation cap and has "graduated." Probably one of my favorite Kane pics. He's absurd bomb-proof.

We're getting "Dr. Shelby" chants. Tremedous.

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It's time for everyone to hug!

For a wrestling organization that has shown murder and necrophillia angles, seeing people in the arena hug it out is crazy.

Everybody's gonna hug!

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And The Rhodes Scholars are nowhere to be found to break this up. No Shield. No nothin'.

No heel dares messes with Dr. Shelby.

Wow.

Didn't mind the "Disney" skit there, but not remembering there's a PPV match to hype up...that's even more absurd than "Everybody hug everybody!" Sure, they could do it later, but when you take up ten minutes of a "people hugging everybody," what impression are fans suppose to take away?

Well, there's still time.

I believe WWE just wanted to have that last bit in their pocket. "You see, we don't cause kids to hurt each other with wrestling moves. We cause them to hug. D'awwww."

Now it's time to take this show seriously again. Good luck with that.

Divas match featuring the two last remaining Divas. This is the point of the show where people turn the channel. You got to be pretty devoted if you can handle this much absurdity.

Tamina looks sternly at this Divas match. I want to stop this terrifying reign of Katlyin's horrible song playing. No human being listens to that girly drivel. Save us NXT's Paige!

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Paul Heyman is gonna do a Paul Bomb. Mainstream Wrestling in 2013: Wrestlers talking and hugging.

Paul Heyman is blasting The Rock. Uh-oh, The Rock is here, and he got a ticket, so that gives him free reign to enter the ring. I didn't know that. Rock yells at Paul and us for noticing that storyline set-up. Apparently Rock has been singing songs to the cops for the last hour. "Oh you're a cop that must mean you rock you uphold the law I'll break C.M. Punk's jaw."

I am digging Rock cutting a promo with C.M. Punk sitting in a skybox.

Rock is laying it all on the line. Laconic C.M. Punk is squinting and pinching The Rock with his fingers, showing no fear.

Rock has worked ten years for this WWE shot? "The Tooth Fairy" was him getting tested? Rock channels MLK while C.M. Punk finds this all thing amusing.

Uh-oh, lights go out...

The Shield is beating up Rock. And they're not hugging it out! Rock gets his mouth busted.

This show has gone to kick-ass serious to goofy tripe to kick-ass serious. I'm expecting Sheamus to make corny jokes or a 3MB match next.

Ah! Here comes Sheamus! Whew, he's not talking. He's in a match with Wade Barrett...a Hug It Out match! No!

Sheamus and Wade Barrett are in the last #Beat The Clock match. It's a pretty much given that Cena's winning the Rumble. I wonder if WWE will go against that popular opinion. Some years Royal Rumble matches feel important, other years it feels like just another match.

All three #Beat The Clock matches have had commerical breaks. As a viewer, it conditions you to not pay attention to the opening minutes, and it also conditions you to know that the match won't end during the commerical break (magically), so you're just left waiting for the last minutes of the match.

Still waiting for Rhodes Scholars to get their big PPV credibility skit. Any time now.

Shouldn't WWE show Dolph Ziggler watching this match, because it's so effin' important? Just a quick cutaway to the Ziggy gang. Ah, here's Team Dolph. 30 seconds left in the match. And lo and behold, Sheamus doesn't get the win in time. Ziggy gets the lucky number.

Will Dolph Ziggler win the Royal Rumble? Having two title opportunities would be unique, but confusing for (channeling Paul Heyman here) WWE's "simple" audience, and frankly, we can already see Cena dumping Ziggler outside and winning.

Bar scene featuring 30-year-olds talking about who's winning the Royal Rumble. Boy, just like in real life. If I tried talking about the Royal Rumble at The Brickyard Bar, people would look at me funny. "Hey, there's an advertised Tag Title match at the PPV, but WWE doesn't want to hype it up at all! Buy it!"

Vickie informs Ziggler that he just won spot #1 or #2. So it was a good thing Sheamus and Randy Orton didn't win. Good thing too you tried to fool yourself that those matches were "important." Silly you.

C.M. Punk and Paul Heyman run into Vince McMahon. Is there evidence about The Shield joining with C.M. Punk? Can WWE's "simple" audience handle a storyline where neither Rock nor C.M. Punk win at the Royal Rumble because The Shield interferes and causes the WWE Title to be up for grabs at the Elimination Chamber? (Stripping a heel champion and basically giving it to The Rock would be a bad move. Rock should earn the championship.)

Vince finding that smoking gun for this Punk-Shield thing is a nice tease. We'll see Vince McMahon dressed up as C.M. Punk talking with some dudes and bam! The WWE Title is stripped.

By the way, what country is Alberto Del Rio from? I can't tell. Here comes the Smackdown champion. He's got a butler with a bucket of confetti. And our hero is facing the failed Tensai project. Wow.

Still waiting for that Team Hell No vs. Team Rhodes Scholars feud to get serious again. There's still time left. Unless you want the last memory of this feud for Raw viewers to be the tag team champs hugging.

Seems pretty standard these days for WWE wrestlers to call out their move from the corner.

In a cool shot, San Francisco Giants star pitcher Sergio "I Only Look Illegal" Romo cheers for Alberto Del Rio. Alberto Del Rio begins to speak in Spanish and reminds me that white people like me are soon to become the minority in this country.

Meanwhile, Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara...

Um...

Well...

Hey, Alberto Del Rio everybody!

WWE Hall of Fame. I'm damn glad Mr. Socko is heading into the Hall.

Bob Backlund: Yes, they made him champion in the '90s. I was too young to really grasp that. I can imagine Twitter back then: "What? Bret Hart lost to him?"

Up next: John Cena. Prepare yoself, fools.

So Raw viewers won't get a credible Team Hell No vs. Rhodes Scholars bit.

I can't believe that. Are they crazy? Insane? How stupid is that? You have a three-hour show and you think that Raw viewers should have "hugging" on their minds leading up to this PPV match? "Well, we'll have something on Smackdown." Not many Raw viewers watch Smackdown, you dopes. You have a three-hour show. THREE-HOUR SHOW. And you can't have a two-minute skit to hype the Tag Title match at the PPV?

DO YOU EVEN REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE ADVERTISED ON THE FRIGGIN PPV CARD? ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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Okay, end of rant. Thanks, Shelbs. I hope Cody and Damien weren't allowed in the building and are talking to the cops for three hours. I hope Cody Rhodes got busted for injecting HGH into his mustache and they're punishing them by dropping the match. I hope for anything at this point.

What I don't hope for is that everybody in WWE forgot about Rhodes Scholars and their Tag Title match this Sunday...which appears to be the case.

I can't truly hate John Cena. He's a good guy out of the ring. But good gravy do I hate his promos. He's making fun of people in the audience and talking about what weird things people do. Why? It's a John Cena promo. It can't be anything else but aggravating. This is the "silly" portion of an John Cena promo, followed by the "serious" portion. Neither work.

I don't feel there's a authentic bone in John Cena's body in this promo. I can't stand it.

Hey, uh, John Cena. I don't know if you can hear me. I respect you. There are many stories of your hard work ethic. But I don't get your promos. Not at all. Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't feel there's a shred of authenticity in them, and ripping random people in the crowd doesn't help matters. It's not hating. Just, you know, this year I would like a John Cena promo where my face doesn't turn into a pained grimance.

You're making me want to cause harm to myself and to others by listening to you, John. You can prevent this, John. Just please listen. Just once this year, do a respectable promo. Don't do goofy jokes that fail. Don't rip on random people in the audience. Don't then go into Preacher Mode and raise the level of your voice with words that sound all false. I want to say you're a good guy, but with promos like this you sound and look like the biggest, fakest asshole not named Mr. Anderson in the world.

Once again, I'm not hating. This is just the truth coming out. You're causing me to go insane with your promos, John. Please. Just one respectable promo so that I know I'm not in a nightmare. I'm not trying to be funny or sarcastic or mean-spirited. I'm literally begging you, John. Another one of these bad boys and it's off to the loony bin for me. There can't be any sort of sense in this ol' world if these annoying John Cena promos are allowed to exist. Make my wish come true, John. Please. I have a dream.

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Whoa, it's the Prime Time Players! And they're main eventing with John Cena! (Probably never again.)

They decided to go with everybody saying "Imma gonna win the Rumble" bit instead of Rock-Punk.

Wait, do Team Hell No even have a tag team match? It's advertised on their website. I guess not, because I haven't seen Rhodes Scholars and here are Kane and Daniel Bryan talking about the Rumble match.

Holy crap is this boring. Of course, here comes the 3MB. Luckily the microphones cut out when Health talked. Good.

Oh, we have a Rhodes Scholars sighting. Thank goodness. I was beginning to think they were lying in a ditch somewhere.

So they were alive, but WWE didn't decide to show them in a meaningful way during a three-hour show before their Tag Title PPV match. They got ten seconds of air-time while Dr. Shelby got ten minutes. One of the dumbest, most illogical things I have seen. Feuds? Belts? Contenders? All that standard wrestling booking stuff? Who cares.

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That ending was one of those things where whether it was good or not doesn't necessarily apply (although why John Cena is committed to people HATING his promos is beyond me). They felt they needed to pump up the Rumble, and that's all fine and dandy, but the real star of the PPV, and pretty much the only reason you're buying the PPV is Rock vs. Punk. This is one of the weakest-looking Royal Rumbles matches in recent history.

That's it for me. It's an absurd WWE world, where Dr. Shelby gets more air-time than the Tag Team Title contenders, John Cena's promos somehow manage to get even worse (combine this with him winning all the time and it's like some dumbass Superman running amok), and C.M. Punk and Rock nail it between segments of hugging and 3MB main-eventing. This is one messed up company.

Raw's Absurd Verdict: Very Absurd

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com


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