CONTACTABOUTFACEBOOKTWITTERPODCAST IPHONE APPANDROID APPAMAZON APPRSS
Pro Wrestling Torch
Pro Wrestling Torch Reaches The Most Wrestling Fans Every Week: #1 in iTunes • #1 on iPhone and iPad • #1 on Android • #1 on Kindle
GOT THE PWTORCH APP YET?
iPhone & iPad
Android
Amazon Kindle
Windows Phone
PWTorch Phone App
Absurdity of it All
ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Everyone This Week: How Miz Acquired Flair's Figure-Four, Why Reigns Remains Silent, Taz Ruins Endorsement Deal, Absurd Mania Picks, And...I Confess To Oprah

Jan 19, 2013 - 3:45:14 PM
PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO BOOKMARK US & VISIT US DAILY


FlairHouston.jpg



By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“You’re throwing punches to prove yourself
And it’s all for show
But you’re not impressing me, yeah
This life was built on heart and soul”

-“Meathead” by Story Of The Year

Some people are upset that apparently Ric Flair has “passed” the figure-four leglock to The Miz. Well, Miz was the highest bidder at that auction.

It’s an “All Things Ric Flair Related Must Go!” type of deal, so it was just a matter of time before one of fans’s most cherished submission moves went to...wrestling’s #1 asshat. Great for a heel, not so good for face. Basically, let’s get Miz doing what he does best, and that’s being heel. Or some people from WWE pulling their heads out of their asses and taking down that “I’m Awesome, You’re Not” slogan that is blazing on Miz’s Titantron.

flair-garvin.jpg



I’m not the biggest Miz-guy (and neither is C.M. Punk, apparently), but it’s nice to know that he has 800,000 Twitter followers, while Mr. Internet Zack Ryder apparently has... none, according to WWE. Wow. And he worked so hard on that “Hoeski” song in his bathtub this week.

Was that the 20th Anniversary of Raw on Monday? Ol’ Stone Cold and HBK decided they would rather go trap-shooting than star in this turkey. Can’t blame them. Three marriage video recaps smell like filler.

Speaking of marriages, TNA had their own marriage this week. It was a big hit for Impact’s audience. I mean, for the men, who are waiting to watch MMA after Impact ends, naturally want to see a gooey wedding take place. Before a UFC PPV, I always watch “The Wedding Planner” and bawl my eyes out. Then I watch a dude try to cave another dude's head in. Because I'm psychotic.

brock.JPG



The marriage was a big hit for the women, because Bully Ray and Brooke Hogan are two beautiful, beautiful people. I felt like I was watching George Clooney say, “I frickin’ love you, man” to Stacy Keibler and then he farted his vows. Magical.

Oh-kay, so...nobody really went for the whole marriage deal. I swear to you TNA writers went, “Everybody likes weddings. It’s a staple in wrestling. And plus we need to have Brooke Hogan doing something.” At least Taz was revealed as another member of Aces & Eights. Pretty sure the finish was Bully and Brooke having a Hooters Honeymoon, but Taz had to ruin the love...and the endorsement deal.

Hooters_Restaurant__1_.jpg



This Absurd article is brought to you by Hooters, America's #1 favorite restaurant. Grab yourself the Absurdity's favorite dish, a big hot piping plate of Original Hooters Style wings. Tasty. Find your local Hooters restaurant here. Yes, right here.

Aces & Eights are like the backwards version of NWO, in that they need to keep adding to help save this thing. Most people agree that when the NWO broke out, that was a moment in wrestling, and that the NWO angle got watered down with the addition of people. Not so much with Aces & Eights.

The beginning of the whole Aces & Eights angle feels like it’s started from the Stone Age. Adding Taz doesn’t really solve this problem of how they’re viewed, but at least we’ll see Taz in sunglasses barkin’ out this: “Yo, Hogan! You see us? Aces & Eights? We’re wylin, man! We’re making big, big mooga! You and the rest of TNA are a bunch of 730 dummies! Now we’re gonna order Roundtable Pizza, and you can’t have none, son! Ha ha ha!"

Did you know Hulk Hogan once sued Roundtable for his pizza being too hot, causing him to wince and throw out his spine, denying his shot of headling a WrestleMania with John Cena? Pretty foul, Roundtable.

I just love it that Aces & Eights’ hide-out is a short walking distance from the Impact Zone, which can’t show PPVs from there anymore under wrestling law. The people have spoken. It's the 11th Commandment: Thou shall not show TNA PPVs before disinterested Universal Studio tourists.

I also dig that The Shield finds powered-on cameras lying on the floor, pick them up, and decide to cut a promo where Roman Reigns gets trusted with two words of dialogue, lest he spill the fact that his girlfriend doesn’t really exist. Yes, we have discovered the real reason why Reigns is the silent one in this group.

Speaking of not existing...Brock Lesnar! Sooner or later he’ll come strolling down that ramp, and then Mr. Haircut Triple H will goad him into one big money match at Mania. Brothers, ain’t looking forward to that hype job. Maybe because I’ve seen it all before. Sorry if I’m not too amped up at the moment to see their Summerslam dud revisited. Maybe they’ll sell me on it not sucking as bad that one.

Rumors are abound that Brock Lesnar might get another year-long contract, because, well, Brock (and Rock) push WWE PPVs. How to explain Brock Lesnar’s future lengthy disappearances from WWE? “Suspensions” and “Quitting” have be done before. I hope you’re ready for “Brockahakuah," the six-month state holiday held in Minnesota. Man, I gotta move there.

Nothing wrong with Super Cena, folks. You had your year of Cena losing PPV matches, now it’s time to make the donuts. It’s not like having Super Cena vs. Super Rock is a bad thing. Back when I was a kid it would have taken a tank to defeat Super Hogan, and when watching Super Cena, try viewing it from a kid’s perspective. Cena’s your hero and he just can’t lose to Ziggler...ever. Cena can’t lose when he’s outnumbered 10-1. We might not see a Cena lose until after WrestleMania. I want levels of Super Cena where I can’t even imagine it man. All the electricity goes out in the entire world and Cena gets it back on. Cena cures world hunger and eliminates AIDS just from his Twitter account alone. Cena flies into outer space with all of the world's guns and throws it into the sun, then we cut to commercial. Make it happen, WWE.

cena.JPG



Ah yes, time for WrestleMania predictions. Cena wins the Rumble. These days, any time we get a WWE wrestler saying, “I’m gonna to win the Rumble," they say it with a disheartened tone and not much conviction in their voice. At this point, the Rumble is presented as just another run-of-the-mill thing. There will be some good things in the match: The Shield will team up, and so will...3MB. Playing air guitars during the Rumble match. Yeah. There's no stopping that.

Of course, with The Rock winning at the Elimination Chamber to face Rumble winner John Cena, that basically buries the “Streak vs. Streak” match featuring C.M. Punk and Undertaker. C.M. Punk going into WrestleMania still undefeated would be a hell of a thing, and it’s not like Cena vs. Rock II needs to be for the title...but if you read the tea leaves, it does feel like Rock-Cena will be for the WWE Championship.

I look into my crystal ball and I see the Smackdown World Championship being the curtain jerker for the third year and lasting 36 seconds.

I also see WWE eventually getting tired of the Alberto Del Rio championship reign and finally giving the gold to our boy, Dolph Ziggler. I also see a good deal of us complaining about Ziggler getting “Jack Swaggered” during this time. Let’s hope I’m wrong.

You know...can’t we have Sting at WrestleMania? I don’t care if Sting and Undertaker just stand in the ring, I will pay big, big mooga. While we’re day-dreaming I’ll take my favorite childhood wrestler Jake “The Snake” Roberts showing at the Rumble. Or, Iron Sheik showing up and making a new PPV record in swear words uttered on air.



Sorry it took about five years to confess this, but I write the Absurdity Of It All articles under the influence performance enhancers and PEDs. You don't know what it's like. Every writer is doping! It's crazy!

That’s it for me. To all potential investors, you give me money, I'll promote your product in my articles. Five-Hour Energy is already on board, and Hooters has just joined the ranks. I'll sell anything for anyone. Throw in a good offer and I'll throw in some of my submission moves.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com


We suggest these recent related articles...
ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw: HBK To Crossbow Lesnar On Sunday, WWE Asks Paul Bearer's Ashes To Sell Mania, Punk & Triple H's Post-Mania Plans, Cash Cow Cena = Bieber?
ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - State of WM29 Card: Rock & Cena To Sing About Buffalo Nipples To Get Heat, What Heyman Should Have Stipulated To Hunter, Punk To Relieve Himself In Urn To Get Heat
ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw & TNA: Using The Recently-Dead For Storylines, Bully Ray King Of Da World, Swagger To Be Sold To N. Korea Post-WM29, And Raw Gets A Flat
prowrestling.net
CLICK HERE FOR EVEN MORE PW.NET HEADLINES


CLICK TO EMAIL THIS ARTICLE
CLICK HERE TO RETURN TO MAIN LISTING

NEW! SIGN UP FOR FREE PWTORCH BREAKING NEWS EMAIL ALERTS
BECOME A PWTORCH VIP MEMBER
-FORMER MEMBERS LOGIN HERE TO RENEW
-NEW MEMBERS CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP
SELECT BY ARTICLES CATEGORY
SEARCH PWTORCH.COM



CLICK HERE FOR LIST OF UPCOMING PRO WRESTLING EVENTS
MORE HEADLINES AT AFFILIATE SITES
MMATorch
LATEST HEADLINES - CLICK TO READ CLICK HERE FOR MORE MMATORCH HEADLINES


PWTORCH POLL - VOTE NOW!
RAW POLL 11/24: Vote on Monday's Raw
 
pollcode.com free polls


RAW POLL 11/24: What did you think of the Survivor Series fall-out?
 
pollcode.com free polls


RAW POLL 11/24: What do you think of WWE bringing back the Anonymous GM?
 
pollcode.com free polls
MONDAY MORNING POLL: If you gave Survivor Series a high score/thumbs up, what was your main reason?
 
pollcode.com free polls
WWE PPV POLL: Vote on Survivor Series...
 
pollcode.com free polls


WWE PPV POLL: What was the Best Match at Survivor Series?
 
pollcode.com free polls


SURVIVOR SERIES POLL: What do you think of Sting's WWE TV debut?
 
pollcode.com free polls
VOTE IN OR SEE RESULTS OF PREVIOUS POLLS



LATEST HEADLINES - CLICK TO READ CLICK HERE FOR EVEN MORE INC HEADLINES

_
LATEST FREE AUDIO SHOWS - CLICK TO LISTEN VIEW MORE PWTORCH LIVECAST EPISODES
DOWNLOAD PWTORCH LIVECAST APP
SUBSCRIBE TO PWTORCH LIVECAST IN ITUNES


ABOUT US

THE TORCH REACHES MORE COMBAT ENTERTAINMENT FANS THAN ANY OTHER SOURCE

PWTorch editor Wade Keller has covered pro wrestling full time since 1987 starting with the Pro Wrestling Torch print newsletter. PWTorch.com launched in 1999 and the PWTorch Apps launched in 2008.

He has conducted "Torch Talk" insider interviews with Hulk Hogan, The Rock, Steve Austin, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Eric Bischoff, Jesse Ventura, Lou Thesz, Jerry Lawler, Mick Foley, Jim Ross, Paul Heyman, Bruno Sammartino, Goldberg, more.

He has interviewed big-name players in person incluiding Vince McMahon (at WWE Headquarters), Dana White (in Las Vegas), Eric Bischoff (at the first Nitro at Mall of America), Brock Lesnar (after his first UFC win).

He hosted the weekly Pro Wrestling Focus radio show on KFAN in the early 1990s and hosted the Ultimate Insiders DVD series distributed in retail stories internationally in the mid-2000s including interviews filmed in Los Angeles with Vince Russo & Ed Ferrara and Matt & Jeff Hardy. He currently hosts the most listened to pro wrestling audio show in the world, (the PWTorch Livecast, top ranked in iTunes)


REACHING 1 MILLION+ UNIQUE USERS PER MONTH
500 MILLION CLICKS & LISTENS PER YEAR
MILLIONS OF PWTORCH NEWSLETTERS SOLD
PWTORCH STAFF

EDITORS:
Wade Keller, editor
(kellerwade@gmail.com)

James Caldwell, assistant editor
(pwtorch@gmail.com)

STAFF COLUMNISTS:
Bruce Mitchell (since 1990)
Pat McNeill (since 2001)
Greg Parks (since 2007)
Sean Radican (since 2003)

We also have a great team of
TV Reporters
and Specialists and Artists.

PWTORCH VIP MEMBERSHIP

PWTorch offers a VIP membership for $10 a month (or less with an annual sub). It includes nearly 25 years worth of archives from our coverage of pro wrestling dating back to PWTorch Newsletters from the late-'80s filled with insider secrets from every era that are available to VIPers in digital PDF format and Keller's radio show from the early 1990s.

Also, new exclusive top-shelf content every day including a new VIP-exclusive weekly 16 page digital magazine-style (PC and iPad compatible) PDF newsletter packed with exclusive articles and news.

The following features come with a VIP membership which tens of thousands of fans worldwide have enjoyed for many years...

-New Digital PWTorch Newsletter every week
-3 New Digital PDF Back Issues from 5, 10, 20 years ago
-Over 60 new VIP Audio Shows each week
-Ad-free access to all PWTorch.com free articles
-VIP Forum access with daily interaction with PWTorch staff and well-informed fellow wrestling fans
-Tons of archived audio and text articles
-Decades of Torch Talk insider interviews in transcript and audio formats with big name stars.


**SIGN UP FOR VIP ACCESS HERE**

CONTACTABOUTFACEBOOKTWITTERPODCASTIPHONE APPANDROID APPAMAZON APPRSS
VIP SIGN-UP
VIP LOGIN
THE TORCH: #1 IN COMBAT ENTERTAINMENT COVERAGE | © 1999-2013 TDH Communications Inc. • All rights reserved -- PRIVACY POLICY