Absurdity of it All ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Everyone This Week: How Miz Acquired Flair's Figure-Four, Why Reigns Remains Silent, Taz Ruins Endorsement Deal, Absurd Mania Picks, And...I Confess To Oprah
Jan 19, 2013 - 3:45:14 PM
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By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist
“You’re throwing punches to prove yourself
And it’s all for show
But you’re not impressing me, yeah
This life was built on heart and soul”
-“Meathead” by Story Of The Year
Some people are upset that apparently Ric Flair has “passed” the figure-four leglock to The Miz. Well, Miz was the highest bidder at that auction.
It’s an “All Things Ric Flair Related Must Go!” type of deal, so it was just a matter of time before one of fans’s most cherished submission moves went to...wrestling’s #1 asshat. Great for a heel, not so good for face. Basically, let’s get Miz doing what he does best, and that’s being heel. Or some people from WWE pulling their heads out of their asses and taking down that “I’m Awesome, You’re Not” slogan that is blazing on Miz’s Titantron.
I’m not the biggest Miz-guy (and neither is C.M. Punk, apparently), but it’s nice to know that he has 800,000 Twitter followers, while Mr. Internet Zack Ryder apparently has... none, according to WWE. Wow. And he worked so hard on that “Hoeski” song in his bathtub this week.
Was that the 20th Anniversary of Raw on Monday? Ol’ Stone Cold and HBK decided they would rather go trap-shooting than star in this turkey. Can’t blame them. Three marriage video recaps smell like filler.
Speaking of marriages, TNA had their own marriage this week. It was a big hit for Impact’s audience. I mean, for the men, who are waiting to watch MMA after Impact ends, naturally want to see a gooey wedding take place. Before a UFC PPV, I always watch “The Wedding Planner” and bawl my eyes out. Then I watch a dude try to cave another dude's head in. Because I'm psychotic.
The marriage was a big hit for the women, because Bully Ray and Brooke Hogan are two beautiful, beautiful people. I felt like I was watching George Clooney say, “I frickin’ love you, man” to Stacy Keibler and then he farted his vows. Magical.
Oh-kay, so...nobody really went for the whole marriage deal. I swear to you TNA writers went, “Everybody likes weddings. It’s a staple in wrestling. And plus we need to have Brooke Hogan doing something.” At least Taz was revealed as another member of Aces & Eights. Pretty sure the finish was Bully and Brooke having a Hooters Honeymoon, but Taz had to ruin the love...and the endorsement deal.
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Aces & Eights are like the backwards version of NWO, in that they need to keep adding to help save this thing. Most people agree that when the NWO broke out, that was a moment in wrestling, and that the NWO angle got watered down with the addition of people. Not so much with Aces & Eights.
The beginning of the whole Aces & Eights angle feels like it’s started from the Stone Age. Adding Taz doesn’t really solve this problem of how they’re viewed, but at least we’ll see Taz in sunglasses barkin’ out this: “Yo, Hogan! You see us? Aces & Eights? We’re wylin, man! We’re making big, big mooga! You and the rest of TNA are a bunch of 730 dummies! Now we’re gonna order Roundtable Pizza, and you can’t have none, son! Ha ha ha!"
Did you know Hulk Hogan once sued Roundtable for his pizza being too hot, causing him to wince and throw out his spine, denying his shot of headling a WrestleMania with John Cena? Pretty foul, Roundtable.
I just love it that Aces & Eights’ hide-out is a short walking distance from the Impact Zone, which can’t show PPVs from there anymore under wrestling law. The people have spoken. It's the 11th Commandment: Thou shall not show TNA PPVs before disinterested Universal Studio tourists.
I also dig that The Shield finds powered-on cameras lying on the floor, pick them up, and decide to cut a promo where Roman Reigns gets trusted with two words of dialogue, lest he spill the fact that his girlfriend doesn’t really exist. Yes, we have discovered the real reason why Reigns is the silent one in this group.
Speaking of not existing...Brock Lesnar! Sooner or later he’ll come strolling down that ramp, and then Mr. Haircut Triple H will goad him into one big money match at Mania. Brothers, ain’t looking forward to that hype job. Maybe because I’ve seen it all before. Sorry if I’m not too amped up at the moment to see their Summerslam dud revisited. Maybe they’ll sell me on it not sucking as bad that one.
Rumors are abound that Brock Lesnar might get another year-long contract, because, well, Brock (and Rock) push WWE PPVs. How to explain Brock Lesnar’s future lengthy disappearances from WWE? “Suspensions” and “Quitting” have be done before. I hope you’re ready for “Brockahakuah," the six-month state holiday held in Minnesota. Man, I gotta move there.
Nothing wrong with Super Cena, folks. You had your year of Cena losing PPV matches, now it’s time to make the donuts. It’s not like having Super Cena vs. Super Rock is a bad thing. Back when I was a kid it would have taken a tank to defeat Super Hogan, and when watching Super Cena, try viewing it from a kid’s perspective. Cena’s your hero and he just can’t lose to Ziggler...ever. Cena can’t lose when he’s outnumbered 10-1. We might not see a Cena lose until after WrestleMania. I want levels of Super Cena where I can’t even imagine it man. All the electricity goes out in the entire world and Cena gets it back on. Cena cures world hunger and eliminates AIDS just from his Twitter account alone. Cena flies into outer space with all of the world's guns and throws it into the sun, then we cut to commercial. Make it happen, WWE.
Ah yes, time for WrestleMania predictions. Cena wins the Rumble. These days, any time we get a WWE wrestler saying, “I’m gonna to win the Rumble," they say it with a disheartened tone and not much conviction in their voice. At this point, the Rumble is presented as just another run-of-the-mill thing. There will be some good things in the match: The Shield will team up, and so will...3MB. Playing air guitars during the Rumble match. Yeah. There's no stopping that.
Of course, with The Rock winning at the Elimination Chamber to face Rumble winner John Cena, that basically buries the “Streak vs. Streak” match featuring C.M. Punk and Undertaker. C.M. Punk going into WrestleMania still undefeated would be a hell of a thing, and it’s not like Cena vs. Rock II needs to be for the title...but if you read the tea leaves, it does feel like Rock-Cena will be for the WWE Championship.
I look into my crystal ball and I see the Smackdown World Championship being the curtain jerker for the third year and lasting 36 seconds.
I also see WWE eventually getting tired of the Alberto Del Rio championship reign and finally giving the gold to our boy, Dolph Ziggler. I also see a good deal of us complaining about Ziggler getting “Jack Swaggered” during this time. Let’s hope I’m wrong.
You know...can’t we have Sting at WrestleMania? I don’t care if Sting and Undertaker just stand in the ring, I will pay big, big mooga. While we’re day-dreaming I’ll take my favorite childhood wrestler Jake “The Snake” Roberts showing at the Rumble. Or, Iron Sheik showing up and making a new PPV record in swear words uttered on air.
Sorry it took about five years to confess this, but I write the Absurdity Of It All articles under the influence performance enhancers and PEDs. You don't know what it's like. Every writer is doping! It's crazy!
That’s it for me. To all potential investors, you give me money, I'll promote your product in my articles. Five-Hour Energy is already on board, and Hooters has just joined the ranks. I'll sell anything for anyone. Throw in a good offer and I'll throw in some of my submission moves.
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