By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“I keep her photo against my heart
Cause in my life she plays a starring part
On alcohol and cigarettes
There is no room for cheap regret”
-“Shivers” by Divine Fits

So much went on for the past three days in the WWE wrestling world that I need to crank out another Absurdity article just to grasp it all.

First, I would like to present to the jury Exhibit A: a monster wrestler losing by taking a basic bump. And, losing to a smaller, inferior opponent. Who wears a green sock on his hand. Right.



I'll just pretend Tensai had a bad back and thought that beating Santino just wasn't worth the effort. I’m not sure what money can be made from him now if he loses a match by simply…landing on it. To make this Tensai “joke” even more funnier (which is not hard to do), let’s pay to have UFC announcer Mike Goldberg scream, “IT IS ALL OVER!” whenever Tensai takes a bump. It’s a sad Christmas for Tensai.

You can write article after article just trying to explain the apparent drug-fueled madness that was Raw. No can doubt that show made you sit up and pay attention, but the amount of absurdity flowing through WWE was over-the-top and pretty much caused poor James Caldwell’s brain to melt.




It’s time to tweet in your vote for “Which Old WWE Act Did You Forget About When Raw Was Over?” Boogeyman? "Mean" Gene Okerlund? To me it was the New Age Outlaws. They were on the show?

It's understandable why WWE had so many commercials during that Flair segment, as viewers weren’t going to change the channel now that "Whooo!" The Nature Boy is back on WWE television. Just a bit bitter that they couldn’t fit more commercial breaks in them. Remember those days when commercial breaks were viewed as annoyances in wrestling? Not anymore.

It would have been nice (and probably smart) to at least hype up Flair coming back to Raw. I had zero expectations coming into the Slammy awards. Now I’m in wrestling fan rehab. Okay, honestly, I didn’t mind the show that much. Raw can be a lot of things, but the #1 thing it absolutey cannot be is dull.

Big E. Langston made a huge impression last Monday Night. People are eagerly looking forward to the next opportunity to see him not say anything and club anyone at the command of Ziggler/A.J.

Good thing, too. You place Big E. in a singles match and he has that look where he ask the guy he’s facing, “I’m doing a clothesline now. Are you ready? Are you ready now? Are you sure? Really sure?” Big E. in this group is The Muscle, and nuthin’ but the muscle. You know, I’ll just squint my eyes and pretend that Big E. is just a jacked-up version of Vikings RB Adrian “All Day” Peterson. In fact, I’ll take Peterson defeating Big E. in the ring anyday. AD in beast mode right now.

I’m just glad WWE didn’t kick Dolph “Too Athletic” Ziggler to the curb. If Ziggler wins the World Title, I’m half-expecting them to fire him the next day.

The Shield are the “Garbage Men” of WWE. Have somebody banged up and needs to take time off? Feed them to The Shield. Randy Orton, Sin Cara, and Rey Mysterio have been the latest meals for this group. I can’t really find any flaws with how WWE is presenting this group so far. I’m looking forward to their involvement in the Rumble match.

It seems pretty cold to suggest the only reason why Brodus Clay won on Monday so that kids could get funky and WWE could boast that they put smiles on children’s faces. I’m sure Brodus’s career is back on the right track. Wait, he got taken out by The Shield on Tuesday? Nevermind then.

Daniel Bryan is an accomplished veteran who I like watching go into his troll rage because he didn’t win a Slammy and scream that he’s got the best catchphrase. If this wrestling thing doesn’t work out, I’m sure he can find a spot on a NBC comedy show. “He’s the adorable hormonal troll / Look out he’s gonna explode / Always loses his cool / Slammy winner no no no!”

C.M. Punk is at his best when he’s a belligerent asshole, calling us in lovingly terms like “jerks” and “losers." The man who simply does not lose dresses like he lost in life. I caught Punk’s promo on Smackdown and it made me remember when people were complaining that his promos had gotten stale (that one where he couldn’t shut up about Brad Maddox came to mind). Now he’s angry, and rightly so. He sounds now like he just stubbed his toe. Damn table. Not giving me and my toes any respect.

They’re trying to get people to cheer for Miz and Alberto Del Rio by sticking them by old loved acts. Babyfaces by association? I can sorta understand that. What I can’t understand is why that Miz/Del Rio/Tommy Dreamer vs. 3MB match went on for so long.

I mean, that match went forever. Forever.




3MB matches are bad. They are a form of torture too extreme to be put in that new “Zero Dark Thirty” film. They are the wrestling’s version of waterboarding. No terrorists will ever mess with us with this form of sheer terror at our control.

But, hey, they have to fill time on Raw, and, hey, Miz and Del Rio have to turn babyface because WWE doesn’t know what else to do with them. I thought that Del Rio/Rosa love thang had legs, man.

And after reading the next Raw report, Alberto Del Rio runs over Santa, as all babyfaces are prone to do on Christmas Eve. It was uplifting to see Del Rio go back and forth on Santa’s limp body in this quarter of a million dollars sportscar. Santa doesn’t forgive, and Santa doesn’t forget. Guess which Mexican billionaire is not receiving a giftcard this year!

That’s it for me. I guess the NHL is still on strike, eh? Know who doesn’t go on strike? Me! Mr. Absurdity! The one you all clicked to see! I will be the Absurdity Champion forever! For-ev-er! No, wait, I have a cold. Somebody take over.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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