By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

We join this very absurd episode of Raw already in progress with chronological live-tweeting @shanetexascedt.

A.J. has a very fine stomach definition. She won some MTV award. I bet this is better than Jets-Titans. I think. Also, I could have sworn Ziggy was trying to unhook A.J.'s bra. Whoa there, turbo.

Miz & Del Rio last night: "Who can we choose for our team?" "How about a retired old guy that barely wrestles anymore?" "Perfect."

The "second-screen" WWE App experience would tell you that this Khali-Otunga match blow clam chowder chunks. Jerry Lawler: Mercifully, this is over. "By the way, I won an award for having a heart attack."

Hey, Ric. Don't you people feel bad about booing Cena? He looks so hurt by it. "Thank you for all of the noise coming from your mouths," Cena thought to himself. C.M. Punk doesn't realize this whole thing is a popularity contest. But, Flair slapping the figure-four on Heyman in Philly will make fans glad they tuned in.

Ric Flair's new rap single: "I got paid and had so much sex!" ... Now The Shield wants them some Flair rub. Will Punk fight Flair? Commerical. Will The Shield fight Flair? Commerical. Will Flair get married? Commercial. Great stuff here. It made fans glad they tuned into Raw, but apparently John Cena doesn't care about Ric Flair that much.

I do the second-screen experience sometimes with Raw: check my email, Grantland, 9gag, etc. while Brodus-JTG goes on.

Team Hell No is still battling with Shield, so Team Stinky Pinky has to chump it out to Rhodes-Sin Cara. Hey, it's Ryder! Who apparently sucks more than Brooklyn Brawler! Hashtag of the year? I think Feed Me Moar was good. Little jimmy was last year. WWWYKI was last year, too.

Here comes Big Show with his big boy chair. Thing just looks so, so silly. Show might as well be dragging a caveman club to the ring. And, Ziggler teases cashing in MITB, oh, you jackass, Cena. Cena doing payback? Sure. Good luck explaining that one. I thought his whole character was being the better man. I guess they felt they needed a Ziggler cash-in, but it makes Cena look like a sore loser in the process.

Look at Del Rio, slapping hands with the unwashed masses. Tommy Dreamer arrives and he's wearing a House of Hardcore t-shirt. Ha ha. "Don't worry, this 3MB beatdown can go as long as it wants." Shield: "This is the real house of hardcore, Tommy! This is the Shield's house, Tommy!"

Ryback mentioned the late Owen Hart and slapped hands with Flair on one night. Simple and short promo by him, as it should be. Damn, couldn't they at least hyped up this Ryback vs. Cesaro match? C'mon, fans, chant "Goldberg." You know you want to. You can't help yourselves...Ah, there it is. Faint, but growing louder.

By the way, whatever happened with Fandango(o)?

Ricky Steamboat: the guy The Shield couldn't beat up. Ric Flair was like, "I'm up for that s---!"

Did You Know? Syfy has other programs on their network other than Smackdown. It's true.

Triple H has the inside scoop because Undertaker tweeted from his grave in Death Valley.

A.J. standing on the ladder: "Tee Hee, every guy in this arena is staring at my butt." I'm waiting for Cena to do a moonsault where his legs come crashing down with Ziggler's head. A.J. and Vickie decide to go watch the conclusion of Jets-Titans. And it's a young Mark Henry! Big E. Langston puttin' a whuppin on Cena. And A.J. skips us to the end. Big E. is like Bobby Lashley/Marquis Cor Von. Ya know, because WWE brought back Goldberg as Ryback.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

[Torch art credit Travis Beaven (c) PWTorch.com]

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