By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

It's an Absurd real-time stream of TLC PPV thoughts from @shanetexascedt. Follow me, won't you?

Imagine if there were no NFL, NBA, MMA, or any other sport. And SportsCenter just had to talk about the A.J.-Cena "scandal" 24/7.

(1) I'm still going to remember Rey Mysterio, Jr. as a "WCW" guy, much like Big Show. Why doesn't Sin Cara have that little trampoline anymore? The crowd loves them some Rhodes Scholars. Yay, he called us ignoramuses! Oh snap, he's hating on Brooklyn hipsters! Will WWE show that #CodyMustache is trending? I wish I heard this: I think Cody Rhodes is more concerned about becoming the #1 tag team contender than facing Kane on Wednesday night. Winner: Team Smart Mustache. I guess they won't show that Cody Mustache is trending, but say that Sin Cara is trending. I have a safe feeling Cara is not trending.

People can already tell that Dean Ambrose is the leader of this Shield group. He's got that kind of personality/look that demands attention.

(2) Nice move of Antonio not making fun of Americans this time around. *sigh* And R-Truth kicks cats? Boo. Like R-Truth, I too thrust my pelvis chanting, "U-S-A!" So, Antonio is pretty much a face to people who don't like Americans. He doesn't carry his own bags and believes in being healthy. Meanwhile, announcers are talking about where to stash your cash. Banks? Cayman Islands? Mattresses? Dear Lord, please stop reading the script. Winner: Swiss Man. That was pretty forgetable. I'm not even sure there's enough for a match highlight reel. Antonio: "Unlike America, I am a true international superpower. I am the Swiss! Fear the Swiss!"

WWE Week on USA: Poor, poor WWE. How many hours of content is that? How many hours will you watch? Saturday Night Main Event is gone.

Dolph Ziggler pretty much lines out why this whole match with Cena is stupid. Now he wants to cause Cena to be like A.J. Styles and be depressed. Except, Cena no-sells everything, so we know WWE won't go there.

Hey, MizTV segment! Groovy. He broke the suck barrier, ladies and gentlemen. I am not sure who I hate more: Miz as heel or Miz as host of MizTV. It's the latter. Does anybody, including Miz, know how many contradictions are in his character and what he says? Time to check the 49ers-Patriots. Here comes Mexico's Mitt Romney to beat up the evil 3MB band. Can a guy who has a butler be a babyface? Maybe if he teams up with goofy butler. Wow, this set-up could have been done on that three-hour Raw. This isn't PPV quality stuff here. Depends on the mystery partner reveal. Ryder? Ha.

(3) It's time for Kingston vs. Barrett, and this PPV has come to a slow crawl, ladies and gentlemen. The Barrett Barrage is totally gonna destroy a cat, folks. Solid match here with Barrett-Kofi. Winner: West Africa.

Yes, C.M. Punk, Ryback is dumb. Nobody mistook him for a genius. C.M. Punk 2014: I'm leaving this pickle stand. It would be interesting if Ryback threatened to throw Punk from Skybox but got stopped by The Shield.

(4) "You can't wrestle" chants have dogged Cena since he made it big. "Goldberg" chants are going to stick with Ryback for a long time. Man, when's the last time a WWE crowd had has this much fun? Man, this WWE PPV match feels fresh and is a lot of fun to watch. It's also the sort of match you'll find out later somebody broke/injured something during the match. Wow, this match is causing a smile on my face. Cole - "You're looking at the future, folks." This is like the Hardys-Edge and Christian ladder match - you're watching stars being born. It looks like Rollins's head caught the edge of the table while falling down, snapping his head like a Slim Jim. Winners: Shield...and everyone.

(5) Divas time. Hopefully Eve's bringing me a cigarette. I think I need to take a shower after that TLC match. WWE App right now would be showing you Ambrose boasting/rambling while Rollins's eyes are rolling in the back of his head. Winner: Eve. It would be nice if Eve had a wall of all of those victory photos.

(6) Do we need to count the number of chairshots in Show vs. Sheamus? I would like the announcers to hype up that Sheamus needs to keep trying for homeruns to pull this off. Okay, Size XXL chair? C'mon. That's the finish? Show hits Sheamus with goofy-ass chair? I don't mind the goofy-ass-size XXL chair, but that's not the effin' finish. Use it more, but not as the finish.

A.J. to Cena: I'm only wearing your t-shirt, dope. I'm sending you pretty clear signals, dummy. Plus, didn't Ziggler point out how lame it's gonna be if he wins the match and gets to keep the thing he already earned?

(7) Mystery partner: the Brooklyn Brawler? Oh No. Here's comes a old dumbass John Cena wannabe. We wanted Ryder you dopes. Seeing BB is nice and all...but this is really embarassing stuff here by WWE. Miz/Del Rio/Brooklyn Brawler vs. 3MB on PPV. I'm very, very confused. Apparently Miz and Del Rio chose a retired 50-year-old over Ryder. Wow. Sorry, Ryder fans.

(8) Well, time has passed for a Ziggler MITB cash-in. So the story looks to be A.J. involvement, and Ziggy gets to gloat that he beat Cena. Barring what happens in this match, I would recommend this PPV solely for that Shield TLC match. That match was insane, fun, fresh, dangerous. Meanwhile, here's Bob Costas on the halftime show. Don't worry, he's not talking about guns, he's talking about Brady and Joe Montana. Cena has a cut on his eye. But, you have the Today show tomorrow, John!

A.J. as Ziggy's evil girlfriend tonight? ... A bit too early for that. They got three hours of Raw tomorrow. They'll drag it out. Ok, Cena;s head-scizzors move was a statement move. Ugly as hell, but he wanted to make a statement. Cena: "Next I'm gonna try to do a moonsault." We liked you, A.J. We liked you. Now you're doing .... John Cena's Five moves of Doom. And now we're back to loving A.J. Thank you for costing Cena the match. "How could a crazy chick do something crazy? I just don't understand it!" It would have been Dolph's biggest win, but the A.J. bit overshadowed his contribution big time.

If the TLC match wasn't on the PPV, would I recommend? Eh. But that TLC match was those "one" of those matches you just gotta see.

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