By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“I know that everything we did will come around
I take the thought of you and burn it to the ground”
-“Ice Age” by How To Destroy Angels

So the Rolling Stones's “One More Shot” is happening Saturday night. It is billed as a interactive PPV, where you can replay moments of the concert, check out interviews, and get other backstage access. It will be a very slick package, integrated into all facets of social media.

And, it costs less than WWE's TLC PPV.

Yup, a PPV featuring one of the biggest and legendary bands in the world joined by Lady Gaga, Bruce Springsteen, and others costs less than a WWE wrestling PPV in December.

Will you get some satisfaction from WWE TLC? Let’s run down the card...

But first, we pause for a piece of TNA Impact Absurdity.

TNA SIDENOTE: I'm never going to criticize TNA for their in-ad placement of 5-Hour Energy Drink. Because frankly I love 5-Hour Energy. I swear by the stuff. If you're going to do a filler promo involving Kurt Angle, Wes Brisco, and Garett Bischoff, might as well make some coin. Wrestling is about making coin, by the way. I'm just bummed out that during that bit where an injured Kurt Angle was tended to in the back, they didn't pour some 5-Hour energy drink on Angle's injured knee like a potion to magically cure it.

On with the PPV Preview...

YouTube Pre-Show: “Santa’s Helpers” #1 Contender's match for Divas Title

“Okay. I’ve got a big #1 Contender's match tonight. If I win, I have a chance to beat that rotten Eve to become Divas champion. This match is important. Now, time to put on my Elf Vixen costume. Oh, the bells jingle when I move! Tee hee!”

Just for the sake of something new, have the Divas dress up like Lord of the Ring hobbits. Talk about a tease for the TLC PPV. Oh baby. I’ll be on Santa’s naughty list for sure during this match. #1 contender Divas matches to me is women wrestling on their knees wearing fake beards and big ears, damnit. Everything else... just seems silly.

Absurd Prediction: Layla a/k/a Ruby Bulge of Hobbiton wins.

U.S. champion Antonio Cesaro vs. R-Truth for the United States Title

Even though this match hasn’t happened yet, the reviews are already in. “Antonio Cesaro looked impressive out there tonight” will be written. Cesaro has been stomping through WWE’s ranks and pretty much made Alberto Del Rio a distant memory in my mind. It’s not so much a PPV match as a Cesaro highlight show. Cesaro will bring the intensity and R-Truth will bring the twerking.

Absurd Prediction: Cesaro wins, shows how Europeans twerk.

Miz TV Segment

Fill yourself with Christmas cheer as Miz boasts that “Team Stinky-Pinky” is trending on Twitter while A.J. screams and screams...and screams in horror at Miz’s outfit.

Tables match: Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara vs. Damien Sandow & Cody Rhodes in a #1 contender match to the Tag Titles

It’s a WWE #1 contender's match, so Mysterio and the gang will have reindeer ears during this match. People are loving them some Damien Sandow (SANDOW STARE OF DEATH) and Cody Rhodes (the only wrestler who has a mustache that the audience chants for). Mysterio and Sin Cara have been barely seen on television, and they feel like stand-ins, because, well, that’s what they are. Team Hell No was originally slated for this match, but they got bumped up to face The Shield alongside Ryback. Frankly there’s little reason to put the belts on the ol’ boring masked men when there’s more fun to be had with Team PinkStink vs. Team Hell No.




(WWE Team Names provided by my eight-year-old nephew.)

Absurd Prediction: Sandow and Rhodes win, when suddenly, Miz has a big mistletoe lowered from the ceiling underneath the Beardo and the Weirdo. Sandow yells at Rhodes for using too much tongue. Oh, Miz.

C.M. Punk Promo

The whole thing for this is to get people interested in watching Raw on Monday. So Punk and Heyman are plugging WWE’s new App by having Punk say, “I dare you not to vote for me! I will not be denied my Slammy!” and Rock shows up on screen, showing how he’s going to vote for Sheamus. Nothing major, nothing really definitive. Just something to get people lit up.




We’re getting around that time where you figure an appearance by Rock (real, video package, tweet, postcard, hologram) is due in the making. I wonder if we’ll see something at the PPV.

Chairs match: Big Show vs. Sheamus for the World Title

Big Show isn’t afraid of no chairs. Sheamus likes to swing that chair. And sometime back ago William Regal got injured by Big Show and most of us forgot that.

I’m liking the possible story they will tell here, and it can only do good for both men. C.M. Punk may be WWE Superstar of the Year, but Sheamus is definitely in the Top Five.

Now, there are some things coming into play...

Recently Dolph Ziggler has drawn the ire of Sheamus.

WWE champion C.M. Punk is not defending his title at the PPV.

The six-man TLC match is a special oddity but outcome of said match is not something that will get people talking.

Smackdown’s ratings have been the pits lately.

And Vince McMahon is forcing Dolph Ziggler to put up his Money In The Bank briefcase for grabs (unfairly).

For these reasons, I’m siding heavily with Dolph Ziggler becoming World Heavyweight Champion by the end of the night.

Picture this: Sheamus wins the gold, but is knocked out like Manny Pacquiao by an upset Big Show. Dolph’s music plays. Sheamus barely kicks and tries to put up a fight, but is eventually defeated by Ziggy. Here’s your new World Heavyweight Champion.

Backstage, Dolph is elated. Vince McMahon informs Dolph that his scheduled match with John Cena will still take place. Dolph says he is looking forward to it. However, Vince McMahon decides that the World Heavyweight Championship should be on the line. And Dolph loses it.

IC champion Kofi Kingston vs. Wade Barrett for the Intercontinental Title

Similar to the United States Title match, it appears WWE loves them some Wade Barrett (of course, not as much as they love twerkin’ Cesaro). Kofi Kingston will always have that upside to him. I’ll go with Kofi retaining here.

Absurd Prediction: Kofi throws a “wild cat” at Wade, who is so shocked at the stupidity of it all that he’s easy pickings for Trouble In Paradise.

Ladder match: John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler for Ziggler's World Title MITB briefcase World Heavyweight Championship

Will John Cena be Smackdown’s champion? Will Dolph Ziggler come through in the clutch?

The whole point of A.J. screaming her head off during the last Raw...still not quite sure. I guess just to lead Cena comforting A.J. in the back. I’m also guessing A.J. will come out here to cheer for her man, but invariably cost Cena the championship by indirect or direct means. Ziggler scrambles up the ladder and grabs his title belt.

A feud involving Sheamus, Big Show, and Dolph Ziggler doesn’t sound all that bad to me.

I feel that Dolph will get a dirty win no matter what here. If Ziggy wins, but it's just for the blue briefcase, then it's hard not to feel how lame that is. Beating John Cena is nice to put on your resume, but if you knew that Vince was one second away from putting your MITB briefcase up again for the THIRD time, it's hard to explain why Dolph would hold onto it and not jump at every opportunity to use it.

Absurd prediction: Ziggy wins, has his worst poodle hair moment while holding up the championship




TLC match: Ryback & WWE tag champions Kane & Daniel Bryan vs. The Shield (Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns) in a six-man tag match

The real draw here is seeing how The Shield looks in action. Things will get crazy and things will get chaotic, Ryback will be protected in his loss, and The Shield will remain strong.

If you wanted a do-over with the Aces & Eights storyline, here you go. It’s unfathomable that Shield would lose their first PPV match.

Also, Ryback will try to pick up all three of them for his Shell Shock move, but his spine will compress violently.

Absurd Prediction: Shield wins, Michael Cole pees himself in fear, and Shield thrash Santa for him not giving presents to poor kids

As usual, my hopes and expectations tend to not match up with WWE’s cold reality, but I think this is a reasonable wrestling PPV. If nothing else, at least twerking will happen.




That’s it for me. Which PPV will you be buying this weekend? And can somebody explain what twerking is? I expect John Cena to be doing it soon as the hip young man that he is.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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