By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“I carve my name
Across your towns
When I’m set
Cut inside before
The trends begin
I spend my time perfecting
Waves of contrast”
-“The Goon Squad” by Deftones

So Ambrose, Rollins, and Dumbo have a new named attached to their group: The Shield. During their promo with Michael Cole, they spoke of things like “being a shield from injustice." I like to think that they’re going to protect us from the absurdity that wrestling can unleash upon us.

Be on guard, Shield! Hornswoggle is squirting liquids into Rosa’s eyes! Gazooks! Yet another A.J. and Vickie segment! Save us! Hey, I am hearing Jeff Hardy’s inner thoughts again! I must be drugged! Help!

Gotta love those interviews. To this day, I can still remember Jim Ross's interview with Mankind. When they showed that grainy footage of him jumping off the roof, as a kid I felt like I was watching an evil madman. Props to Christian, too, for his bits in Karen's Angle. You see, one time in TNA Karen Angle had a sit-down interview segment...

The Shield interview was replayed twice. Right move. It was the hit of the night, and Rock vs. Punk with the added side of a possible “Punk/Heyman as the leaders of The Shield” angle does spice things up.

Personally, I love when a storyline has the potential to be deep. I’m liking it because it brings Ambrose, Rollins, and Dorkmeister into the fold. People enjoy watching Ryback get revenge on these fools. And fans can wonder what the reveal is going to be.

Lord have mercy, Titus O’Neil did not make it a win when he faced off against Ryback. I won’t be as miffed if the Shield swoops in like “Zero Dark Thirty” and bags and tags Ryback. "Wait! The bag's moving! Ryback is stronger than death!" ((c) Matt Hardy.)

It would be nice if they don’t even pretend Ryback has a shot here. Ryback vs. Rock at the Rumble? Don’t even bother. Ryback has his “out” with this Shield Group, and being champ for a couple of weeks before losing the title back to Punk is just all very Jack Swaggerish.

I like how Vickie was pressured into making the Ryback-Punk match. I guess something else is compelling her to dig deep into the romantic lives of A.J. and Cena. As in “We’re running out of tag team members in singles competitions matches and single tag team competitions that turn into tag team matches."

Daniel Bryan losing? Know your role, you hairy jabroni.

You can see the feuds stemming from the A.J./Cena angle (Cena-Ziggler and A.J.-Vickie’s attack dog, Tamina). Signs point to Ziggy getting his big break at the PPV after losing kinda miracously to an injured Cena. The injury caused Cena to forget what knee was hurt. It was like watching ol’ Manny Ramirez out there.

We’ve been down this “is it his time yet?” road with Ziggler. I do think that he’s gonna have a big WrestleMania moment. You can see the tide turning and see that Raw’s main events lately have been sad pickings.

The nice thing about A.J.’s character is that it’s definitely no stretch to see her dump lame-o Cena for Ziggler and become the rottenest evil nerd ever.

We pause for an obligatory NFL reference.



Meanwhile, Colts QB Andrew Luck goes, “What about me? What about Andrew?”

And for the record, WWE’s “Concussion Test” usually involves the wrestlers finishing the match. No immediate removal from the game for them. Even though it’s "sports-entertainment" and it’s not 300-pound guys going full speed into each other with the intent to maim, to me there is still something balls-out crazy about being in the ring with a barely conscious guy who just had a concussion. How are you going to finish this match? How are you not going to hurt each other and yet still have it come off as believable? I had a concussion once in a game and I didn’t remember a damn thing. I didn’t even remember how I got injured.

You can be like Cody Rhodes and get dropped on your head and still have to finish the match. I think that in the NFL, injuries are out there in the open. With 24/7 media coverage, you know if your favorite fantasy football guy has a bum knee. Wrestling does hide injuries so when watching a match, sometimes you don’t know if a guy has loose bones fragments in his elbow or shouldn’t be out there in the first place.

I’m not quite sure about WWE Raw talking openly about NFL. I mean, when Brock Lesnar was brought in, it was considered a shock that WWE mentioned UFC on air.

Antonio Cesaro impresses…while Alberto Del Rio makes googly eyes with Rosa. Al, we already have a love feud with A.J.-Cena. Rosa could really hurt him by saying, “Sorry, I only date credible main-eventers.”

Raw’s got one thing going for it, in that many people know they should check out the last few minutes of Raw.

I didn’t really get the sense watching this Raw that they were doing everything possible to try to gain more viewers. Raw’s in a nice, boring groove right now. They're nestled into this sofa, and they ain't getting up too much. In this hurried holiday season, it’s somewhat comforting to know that the next Raw will feature another A.J.-Cena segment that will go around in dumb circles. I guess WWE wrote in Dolph Ziggler’s “Women are stupid whores” character to try to appeal to fellows who don't care for this angle, but A.J. is just so lovely and innocent. She would never turn evil. Nuh uh.

That’s it for me. One day, you will wake up, and you will resemble Shawn Michaels. Most likely not being the Hall of Famer Mr. Showstopper and millions chanting your name, but the thinning of the hair on top. Maybe that’s why so many dudes hate Triple H. “He still has a head full of hair! And he had a ponytail for years! What the hell!”

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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