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Absurdity of it All
ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw: Fake Heart Attacks, Schoolyard Romances, Hormonal Trolls, And A PPV To Hype

Nov 14, 2012 - 2:28:47 PM
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By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

"They love me when I was stuck
And they hated when I departed
I go and get it regardless,
Draw it like I'm an artist"

-"Dreams & Nightmares" by Meek Mill

By the way, I'm typing this whole puppy out with a broken hand. Okay, I'm lying. I just wanted to be as tough as Antonio Cesaro.

So, you may have heard of little ol' C.M. Punk dropping some heart attack pipebombs. You may have seen Paul Heyman fake a heart attack. Did it go over the line? Sure. But, bits like that are designed to promote a response from you, good or bad. You may call it exploitative. Those who have had family members or close ones have heart attacks might take it upon themselves to write WWE a letter. You may feel disgusted, even a bit sick.

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That's why they call it "cheap heat." It's effective, but everybody can smell the desperation.

But, man, you gotta do something to keep fans from falling asleep. It's not like you can go with Heyman mimicking having heartburn.

Although heartburn is no laughing matter. If Heyman mimicked heartburn, I would swear off WWE forever.

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Or, maybe I'm just making excuses for wrestling doing cheap heat bits like that.

Wrestling will always, ALWAYS have segments like this, no matter if the last WrestleMania made moolahs of dollars.

Here's why that segment happened:

-Survivor Series has been reshuffled more times than a stack of cards, so the PPV needed a little kick in its ass.

-Linda McMahon lost. Not just lost, but lost like being blown out by the other team by 55 points. It's the kind of loss that makes you not even want to run for a PTA role. So, I can understand a certain somebody being upset.

-Vince McMahon is not an Obama supporter. Obama's the one to blame when WWE Network never makes air. Damn you, Obama, and your agenda against the McMahons.

-All parties were okay with it, as Paul Heyman did his voodoo and hyponitized them.

I'm trying to figure out if that segment was a Paul Heyman exclusive or a Vinnie Mac special. I'm going with Vince McMahon.

So, I didn't really have a problem with that "Heart Attack" segment. What I have a problem with is that WWE doesn't know what side their programming is on: edgy or family-friendly. We have heels cracking jokes about somebody being clinically dead for several scary minutes followed up by schoolyard crushes (Cena/A.J. and now Alberto Del Rio/Rosa). Passing notes? Grown adults not allowed to have sex? Ha ha you were minutes away from being a corpse in reality? C'mon. Just c'mon. I know WWE's audience is kids, but you don't have to treat them as well as the adults like idiots.

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WWE at times tries to have their cake and eat it, too, with these edgy/family-friendly shows, and it can bite them in the ass. I wish they would pick a side: PG, PG-13, XXX. Because that last Raw was a schizo one, with them hypin' up Survivor Series hard. Want people to care about Sheamus-Big Show? Make William Regal Sheamus's new uncle or something and have Big Show cave his face in. "Big Show! He's been my friend for two Smackdowns! You're gonna pay, you big bastard!"

The real appeal of this Cena-A.J. storyline is the Cena-A.J. romance. We haven't gotten there yet. All we got is Vickie wasting our time splicing footage/voice messages because managing Raw is the worst job ever. At least with the Claire Lynch angle, TNA was committed to dragging A.J. Styles further down his career sinkhole. Here we have Double O Vickie doing spy work on two people who may have boned...er...played checkers late at night, and it's the lamest spy work ever.

I'm not sure what to get resident hormonal troll Daniel Bryan for Christmas. He takes PMS to a whole another level. What would you suggest?

troll.JPG



That's it for me. Glad that Black Ops II is bringing horseys back to war. Why doesn't WWE '13 have horses? Can't even create-a-horse? THQ, you absolutely suck.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com


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ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - State of WM29 Card: Rock & Cena To Sing About Buffalo Nipples To Get Heat, What Heyman Should Have Stipulated To Hunter, Punk To Relieve Himself In Urn To Get Heat
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