Absurdity of it All ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw: Survivor Series Changed (for now), Cena Pulls A Clinton, What's A Matta With Fandangoo?, I Got Your Next President Right Here
Nov 7, 2012 - 12:00:26 AM
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By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist
“Making choices and hoping that they’re all right
Hating waiting for something to make this worth the waiting
And what are you waiting for?
-“Any Advice?” by Nonpoint
Tired of being a nobody? Want to be somebody? Want to earn more money, more recognition, and more prestige? Pull a Brad Maddox and low-blow your boss. No one will ever forget your name. Sure, you will never work in that chosen field again, but hey, you’ll get more Twitter followers.
Cranky Vince McMahon in his “Everything sucks, so I'mma change things up” mode put Brad in a match with Ryback next week. If Braddy wins next week, he’ll get a cool million bucks from Vinnie. Brad, remember the laser pointer tip I gave a while back in fighting Ryback.
I feel Bratty Braddy should have gotten two million dollars for ending that Hell in the Cell match early. C’mon, Vince, you’re just giving away money these days.
The big news out of Raw was that old-man Vince decided that no one cared about Team Foley vs. Team Punk and instead had Vickie book your standard triple threat match with...well, you already know. The pervert, the dummy, and the champ who can’t stop talking about a lowly ref. So, now it’s a triple threat for the Survivor Series main event... at least until next week. You never know...
I’m watching tonight’s Raw as I type this and you would think more would be put into this triple threat match. After all, they’ve only got one Raw left before Survivor Series. No worries, mate. They’ve got a three-hour show to hype up these facts:
-John Cena cares more about defending that he didn’t do the naked dance with A.J. than the WWE Title.
-Ryback cares more about eating the rest of the leftover Halloween candy than the WWE Title.
-C.M. Punk cares about the WWE Title. In fact, he made a overexaggerated display of how much he loved it. Then, he punched fans in the face.
-The WWE Title itself cares more about A.J. and Cena gettin’ horizontal than itself.
I’m frankly frightened to enter a Kmart. You see, Kmart’s new “Survivor Series Fan Special” is so extreme and so laden with potential violence that it makes my insides quiver. I think I’ll play it safe and visit the Gold Club in Atlanta instead.
What's this? A email defending the good honor of the Gold Club? I apologize, Starbutts and Boobie Bungalow.
So, WWE introduces a new character. Everybody goes, “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen on television.” WWE rejoices. This new character is called Brodus Clay. Welcome to the fold, Fandangoo. I can only surmise you’re on the first of many new WWE characters to be introduced: The Amazonia, Instabam, The Googler, Stubhubo, and Boobie Bungalow.
I guess there are no other Italian names than “Santino." Here’s some other names for this dude: The Passion. The Lover. The Sex Factor. The Forbidden Groin. Mozzarella Pizza Pie. Whattsa Matta With U. I Dance 2. Instead we give a suave dancer a name that ends with “goo." Watch out, Fandangoo gonna goo all over you.
I get that the new character has to make a impression, but having a character named after a movie ticket company makes me think, “Hey, the guys who wrote ‘Here Comes The Boom’ are smarter than the WWE guys.” (By the way, go see that movie. Former MMA fighter and all around killer Bas Rutten delights and thrills) I'm kinding thinking Brad Maddox comes in as the Goo guy.
Wade Barrett gets some home lovin’. He’s going to be in that classic Survivor Series match. And, yes, you’re can feel free now to not care about that match. Whew. It’s all right now.
“Next week, Jerry Lawler returns after his heart attack. He will be joined alongside Colts’s head coach Chuck Pagano who has battled Leukemia. It’s the most uplifting segment anybody will ever see! Plus, John Cena may have gotten neked with A.J.!”
Well, people were clamoring for a revival of the WWE tag team division, and we’re getting spoonfuls of it now. You feel there’s more tag team matches on Raw to better pad out Raw’s three hours. Titus O’Neil barks in agreement.
Here’s hoping in the future Daniel Bryan gets involved in a serious feud. Mind you, his character is way over, and people are generally having a hoot. Team Hell No’s involvement in that Survivor Series match is it’s calling card...as long as they don’t overdo their act. They never do that.
WWE '13 commercial: Much like WCW/NWO Revenge, you know you will be playing the older stars a lot more than the younger ones.
WWE '15: The NWO Era. Gimmie gimmie gimmie. For years you can focus on different wrestling eras while releasing the same game! You own all the history!
Okay, for a guy who loves nothing but himself, C.M. Punk is talking a heck of a lot about Brad Maddox. Plus, we have C.M. Punk telling you that Surivor Series is screwing him and will screw you. Boring.
Let’s check in with former stars of WWE. Let’s check in with the star of “The Man With The Iron Fists” Batista…
Oh. Sorry to disturb you. How about The Rock?
Yikes. Think I’ll go back to my article now.
Main event time. Ziggy looks impressive, and he looks to be a thorn in Cena’s side and looking to make a big push to the big time. And, then we find out that A.J.’s been sleeping with the Zigmesiter. Vickie is crushed.
That’s it for me, Republicans/Democrats/Independents/don't care playing video games. Who’s going to become the next U.S. President? I’ve got the inside scoop.
Uh huh. America’s coming back, baby. With The Forbidden Groin as Vice President.
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