***
By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“I shake my fist,
At the cosmos and my insignificance
I need a reason to breathe
It’s eating me away”
-“Eating Me Away” by Skillet

“All right, John. You’ve yet to regain full range of your elbow. I know your schedule, but I would advise for you to miss Raw.”

“No can do, doc. The WWE Universe needs to knows how big Antonio Cesaro’s nipples are. It’s my duty to let them know.”

It wasn't like Rock's quips at all. Rock talks about monkey nipples and shoving pineapples up mens's butts all the time. To pick the United States champion and to focus on something nobody but John Cena noticed...one of the more disturbing Cena promos I've heard.










Rise above jokes about men’s nipples, John. Nobody but me asked you to go there so that I have material for my absurd columns.

Whoops!

Secret’s out. Better let my other guy know to step up his game and not blow his cover.

(Attention, agent codename BEAKER. Continue giving me material of you embarrassing yourself in front of billions or I’ll expose the truth. Over and out.)

Now then, I’m pretty sure that if Cena’s jaw was wired shut, they would have him writing on a chalkboard ("Why the hell is Cena drawing nothing but nipples?"). Kinda sad that the man can’t miss two weeks without Raw throwing up the white flag (i.e. Big Vinnie Mac Saves The Day Again). This double whammy of Cena and Vince McMahon should pop the numbers, but the real question needs to be answered: Monday Night Raw needs to go back to two hours. It’s not a sign of defeat. It’s a sign of knowing what’s not working. And, much like three-legged pants, three-hour Raws every week just wasn’t a good idea in the first place.

I’m not expecting Ryback to be a MENSA member. He’s basically an uglier and dumber version of the Hulk for kids. But, if Ryback’s fighting Punk at the PPV as a second option, let’s at least have some aspect of Ryback be realistic. He’s snortin’ and huffin’ and calling himself “The Big Hungry” now, which oddly enough is my stage name. Catch Magic McKinley at the Blue Lagoon Club, ladies.

Brodus dances down the ramp.

Vince McMahon: Hey, Brodus, get out of my ring.

What Brodus thinks: “Hey, man, this is bulls**t. I want to fight R-Truth so I can get my mojo back after winning.”

What Brodus does: Dances back up the ramp.

Is he a dancer or a wrestler? Did he even get paid? Doesn't matter when you get funky.

And now, my Absurd WrestleMania line-up:

- Brock Lesnar vs. Undertaker
- Triple H vs. HBK retirement match
- John Cena vs. Rock
- C.M. Punk vs. Stone Cold

Throw in a Honey Boo Boo fashion pageant and that’s a WrestleMania card.

Ahnold Schwarzenegger is your social media ambassador tonight. That role seems less like a WWE social media thing and more like a legal punishment handed down to shamed celebrities. No referencing your cheesy movie quotes, Ahnold? You’ve changed, man.

Plus, why are all social media ambassadors just so dang happy to wait for Punk vs. Vince? You’ve got like a two-hour wait, man.

WWE’s “Main Event” was a hit, and people digged the old-school vibe. Not sure that we need a joke match after a World champion vs. World champion match, though, but they’ve put a first good foot forward.

I’m guessing Dolph will become champion sometime in December. Absolutely nothing but a wild guess, folks.

Man, could we hurry up these WWE wrestler entrances? They’re almost as long as Resident Evil 6. And, could we have JBL climb another mountain and throw Cole off it? What a deal to go from climbing mountains to watching a bunch of WWE tag team matches.




Not sure what it is, but this is officially one of the most boringest tag team matches I’ve seen lately in Team Hell No vs. Ziggy/Al. Maybe because of the knowledge that this match could be interrupted by a Vince McMahon training video at any moment. Actually, I’m kinda wishing it would.

Or, maybe the fact that storyline-wise this tag team match means absolutely zip while the announcers talk about things you’ve already heard 100 times before. Hey, a real-life sneak peek at "WWE '13." Sweet.

I really don’t want to see Vince McMahon fight. Really don’t. He’s moved into the phase what’s known as the “Jerry Jones” phase. Really, really don’t. But what else tease could they go with? It can’t be like last week.




I’m hoping it’s a lure and then they bowl us over with a Stone Cold bit, but that’s stretching. They’ve been pretty heavy with the Stone Cold name-dropping. Cena will probably come out, mangled elbow and all.

I like to thank WWE for making me some money. I betted that it would be less than a month before they referenced Jerry Lawler nearly dying after facing C.M. Punk. It’s not like they’re forever banned about talking about Jerry Lawler, but everyone knows, including Jim Ross and Vince McMahon, that, yeah, it’s a bit cheap to go down that route, but it’s wrestling.

No wonder why you had some people going, “Was Jerry Lawler’s heart attack a work?”

Saddest WWE tag team division championship tournament ever? Nah. It’s not that bad. But, WWE is a long way away from their tag team glory days. At least they all have their cute little tag team names that were queefed out by creative. Team Cobrabro was my favorite.

Could this C.M. Punk reign work without Paul Heyman? Sure. But it wouldn’t be as much fun. My ears perk up when I see that fat, bald liar on the screen. My heart flutters. My palms get sweaty. It’s Paul Heyman!

I could imagine Eve standing over a trapped Katylin with a syringe and going, “Now I’m going to inject cancer into your boobs! Muhahahaha!” Then, Eve does the evil act! But, Katylin laughs and goes, “These guys are 100% fake! Ha ha!”

Josh Mathews pleads with Alberto Del Rio to let him know that Randy Orton can be bothered enough to show up on Smackdown. Plus, Randy said some naughty words to Josh, and he’s all confused.

WWE Breast Cancer awareness video. I feel a bit awkward checking my breasts for lumps with John Cena on screen. I dunno, man, it feels like he’s watching me and my nipples.

Daniel Bryan is talking about David Letterman to Larry King.

Reason #432 why Raw doesn’t need to be three hours long. Hey, Daniel, could you let Larry and his wife leave the arena? They don’t want to stick around for Punk crippling Vince.

Next segment: Paul Heyman tries to talk some sense into Brock Lesnar...er...C.M. Punk into delivering a crippling blow to Vince. Dude, WCW, Congress, and exploding limos couldn’t stop Vince. How can you?

Main event was standard stuff, but definitely more of a main event feel than last week’s garbage. Also effective execution, with Vince McMahon at one point aggressively dry-humping the WWE champion. Whatta maneuver. Michael Cole nearly broke his voice gushing Ryback picking up C.M. Punk. I accept Ryback because, frankly, there's nothing really else to accept in WWE.

C.M. Punk either has to choose to face busted up John Cena or Ryback, who’s a Hungry Hungry Hippo. These are your two main babyfaces, gentlemen. Mr. Nipples Fetish or Mr. Severe Eating Disorder.





That’s it for me. Get marketing on the phone. We're going buck wild with this hungry hungry hippo thing for Ryback, folks. Kids will eat it up!




Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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