By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

"The world wound up and turned on me
Cuz the morals that she often spoke were meant for 1923"
-"Mayday" by Lecrae

There have been a lot of one-off characters who have their brief 15 seconds of fame on WWE television.

On Raw, WWE wrote in Christopher J. Stevenson to be the "executive coach" of A.J. Lee and I can't figure out why he was on television. I don't know why both WWE and TNA find it grand to show boring, old guys who the fans don't know on television and don't care about. Is this C-SPAN or WWE?

I ponder: Who is Christopher J. Stevenson?

What is Christopher J. Stevenson?

Why is Christoper J. Stevenson?

And, does the female demographic respond well to A.J. and a creepy dude angle? Because as a member of the 25-64-year-old male department, I was bored out of my skull during those Stevenson bits.

I believe Wade Barrett oddly wanted to get all bare-knuckled with Stevenson, but I could have misheard him.

Speaking of old guys, C.M. Punk had his weekly "awesome verbal battle with an old babyface." Last week, it was Mick Foley; this week it was Jim Ross. Next week it will be probably be JBL, who just kicked another mountain's ass. With John Cena gone, the heavy focus is on the heel character of C.M. Punk, and once again, it was the stand-out of the night.

And, C.M. Punk's trying everything to get people to boo him. From wearing Yankee pinstripes at the PPV in Boston to saying "This one's for LeBron," he knows what he needs to do.

I'll take a Miz match over a Miz talk show any day of the week. Miz is the least enjoyable WWE character out there, for me. His act feels like a slog in the mud at this point. But, damn, his hair is stylin'.

For the record, Sheamus and Comedy should get a divorce. We witness when you guys try to work it out in front of billions and ... it just isn't happening. After that Tout video, only Sheamus was laughing in the entire building. Shhh. I'll get you the papers. You'll never have to see each other again. It's best this way.

This is the point where both Cena and Sheamus say in unison, "Well it's a PG show so you can't blame me if I continue to bomb, you son of a beeswax poopypants tee-hee."

Any chance I can tweet the option of Sheamus and Big Show not happening at the PPV? Maybe they can hug it out and forget all that rage in the cage stuff.




I went from liking Team Hell No to being annoyed by them in the span of two weeks. You could picture Bryan and Kane eating glue and watching Cartoon Network. Apologies if that's what you do.

Raw started off with a bang, with the greatest rehearsal skit ever! These guys were doing a school play, not doing Monday Night Raw. Heyman and Vickie boring everybody by talking about being co-managers of Raw? Sure. Bryan and Kane saying absurd things to light up Twitter? Why not. It's a three-hour show.

I'm pretty sure WWE would sell Heath Slater, Jinder Mahal, and Drew McIntyre as human cattle if it could mean a WWE program on every night of the week. "Look at us! We've got 20 hours of content every week! Bigger is better!"

There's a new WWE show called "Main Event" debuting on Wednesday night on the Ion Network. I have no idea where the hell the Ion Network is, but from my research, it's like USA Network, Jr. So, why is "Main Event" not on USA Network? Because USA Network doesn't want to mess with their 10-hour NCIS block on Wednesday nights, that's why.

I'm not joking about the 10-hours bit.

I'm not sure why Slater, Mahal, and McIntyre, or the Sultans of Suck as I like to call them, even wear wrestling gear. They're obviously more concerned with music, so why not have rip-off "The Voice" or "American Idol" with them? Or better yet, add five more guys, dress them all up in biker gear, and try to takeover TNA. Or, even better yet, threaten other wrestlers to go all Oppa Gangnam style on them fools.

Eve is the unquestioned ruler of WWE's Divas division, much like a mayor in a town with a population of one.

Damien Sandow is your new god. That is all.

Antonio Cesearo racks up another win. He racked up a win over Brodus Clay, who was sad because he used to racks up them wins. Hope you enjoy doing that dancing shtick for another two years, broh.

I didn't much care for Ricardo being the guest announcer for that Del Rio vs. Kofi Kingston match. Maybe because Cole was being too much of an asshat. Sorry, meanie.

Main event was scary ratings-wise, as there was no John Cena. A.J. in a skimpy ref outfit was the main draw, refing a match that...meant nothing. I mean, there was really not a lot to stick around for. But, hey, Vickie Guerro and Paul Heyman are out here chaperoning these kids, and they need your help watching them.

The main event features A.J. throwing out Paul and Vickie. Ziggler thinks, "I could be watching re-runs of Archer" and decides to bow. C.M. Punk loses. And, the team with the stupid team name does their stupid act to close Raw.

I urge Raw viewers everywhere to buy Ryback, mainly to spare us from a Raw ending like that. Ryback's super kewl and awesome!

I feel Vegas should start a betting line on the over/under of how low Raw's rating will be this week. Personally, I'm hesitant. Hopefully, A.J.'s short shorts do their magic, but I'll go +/- 1 on 2.8. See, there can be betting in wrestling.

That's it for me. Thanks y'all for reading. Going to quit my job and join the Aces & Eights gang. TV time, PPVs, limos, babes, setting Abyss on fire...now that's the life for me.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com .

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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