By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“And if it’s just a game
Then I’ll break down just in case
Oh yeah, we’re running in our last race”
-“I’ll Be You” by The Replacements

For three weeks, it kept growing and growing.

For three weeks, fear, dread, and apprehension filled the minds of millions of Americans.

Then, at the end of Monday Night Football, the worst realization came into light:

Football was turning into wrestling.

From sea to shining sea you could hear a nation explode in groaning, anguish, and despair. It was if the Mayans decided to end the world prematurely.

Scary stuff. I’ll tell my grandchildren these dark times one day, when they are ready.

During the general madness of the replacement refs, I digged how people were comparing NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to WWE’s Vince McMahon, dark satan’s heart and all. “This is football! People bet on the games and you let lingere bowl refs officiate the games? Are you trying to turn this thing into a joke? Wait, what’s Mae Young doing in the announce booth? Nooooo! Damn you, Roger! Damn you to hell!”

Thankfully, NFL righted the ship and they’re off to their huge TV ratings and full knowledge that America can’t live without football, baby. It needs it real bad, baby.

Meanwhile, WWE’s introducing yet another new show because if WWE has two more shows, Vince gets a free Subway sandwich. This new show is gonna air exclusively on planet Ion, five trillion light years away from Planet Earth. For all five Ionites to watch. Gotta get that Ionite market.

C.M. Punk doesn’t consider you to be a man. Even you people with girlie parts. Yeah. You’re all big wusses who can’t compare to him. In fact, C.M. Punk is so manly he’s revealed himself as man’s true form.




Devil Punk got upset with ref Maddox for making an error and berated him for it. Can’t blame Maddox. He had his perfectly wafted hair to worry about to ref properly.

I can imagine Stephanie McMahon, the wicked witch of WWE, grooming the hair of A.J. Lee and going, “Good. Goooooood. Act just like me, sweetie.” Then, Steph bites A.J.’s neck to obtain that precious youthful blood. All McMahons are vampires. Blood-sucking vampires who are immortal. Vote for Linda.

If A.J. Lee were working for Paul Heyman in the ol’ ECW days, I’m pretty sure A.J. would be fighting a pornstar at Hardcore Heaven.

C.M. Punk doesn’t need to be scared of Cena. Cena’s all busted up, and C.M. Punk is the only man who made the Undertaker “tap out” in a Hell in the Cell match. I put “tap out” because that event didn't really happen. Same thing Packer fans are telling themselves this week.

C.M. Punk has that great “volatile” aspect to his heel character. He’s like a walking razor, and it was believable to think that he would cripple John Cena last Monday night. If you were standing in the ring by him, you’ll be afraid of what he would do. I would suggest C.M. Punk clearly deck a fan (wearing John Cena colors) and take the fine to pump up this notion. C’mon, fans, it would help his character.

It’s also easy to be the badass. As a top heel, you gotta sell when you’re paranoid, nervous, or even hesistant. C.M. Punk pulls these off so well that you wonder where would WWE be right now if C.M. Punk, say, did leave last year.

The question C.M. Punk has to answer is if he wants that defining moment by facing Cena inside a neutered cell match. I don’t doubt we’ll see something definitive to pump up Punk’s heel reign at the PPV, but Punk defeating Rock at the Rumble? That’s big time.

With all of C.M. Punk’s demands for respect, do you think that Paul Heyman’s other client, Brock Lesnar, respects C.M. Punk? Tee hee. *rubs hands together

I'm also waiting for the promo where C.M. Punk blasts THQ for making "such a crappy wrestling video game with me on the cover! How dare you chumps mock me with WWE 13!" Yeah, Punk wouldn't do that. Even as heel as he is, and even if the game stinks like sewer waste, he wouldn't drop that pipe bomb.

It looks like Punk will have his hands full with Ryback. Of course, with Ryback, you think of Goldberg. But, Goldberg was intensity personified. Kids as well as adults liked him. He had “it." By comparison, Ryback feels like a dope stomping around the ring, cheerleading “FEED ME MORE” while babbling about food chains like he got a degree in Ultimate Warriorism. It’s too forced, not natural. Goldberg didn’t lead a chant for himself. Why, WCW piped it in for him, damnit.

It’s not to say that there’s obvious potential with Ryback. I think that if they’re looking for the next Goldberg, it doesn’t look like Ryback will reach that super level. He’ll get close and all of WWE lovin’ behind him, but Ryback won’t be the next Goldberg.

*The dwindling number of Goldberg fans nod their heads in approval




Regarding Raw’s low rating Monday night, some things are clear:

-WWE is up against stiff competition on Monday Nights, with shows like "The World's Biggest Plush Bunny Collection" and "Storage Wars" providing a real threat.

-Despite the better content, three hours is still too long for any audience, young and old.

-To many, the only two things they tune into for are C.M. Punk and Daniel Bryan/Kane. And, you could argue you don’t need to really catch the second act (unless you love canned puke humor).

I don’t get it. One of the most unique tag teams WWE has and they come up with a team name that makes me think of Stone Cold. (Backstage: “Get it? Kane’s from Hell and Daniel’s catchphrase is No! Score!”) You have two adorable social misfits who could make comedy just by being placed into reality (see anger management skits) and now they’re gone buck wild with The Demon & The Troll with destroying tag teams, failing to get that “I’m the tag team champions!” over, and forcing us to watch bad SNL skits with sexually active great grandmothers.




So, the highpoint of Team Friendship’s shtick was the Hug It Out match? That’s going on the Best of 2012 DVD, son.

WWE is promoting breast cancer awareness. Apparently they are also promoting the awareness of the insides of Uncle Lawler as he gets surgery. D’awww.

And, poor testicular cancer awareness. No WWE and NFL wrapping their arms around you. No John Cena Rise Above t-shirt. No testicular spokesperson Stacy Keibler, wearing her "testicles" t-shirt, starring in an awareness commercial. ("I'm Stacy Keibler, and I want to talk about testicles.") Nothing. Nothing at all. Sniff.

WWE formed Cody Rhodes with Damien Sandow and gave them the frightening nickname of the "Rhodes Scholars." I guess Cody Rhodes didn’t find trying to nab Sin Cara’s masks for two months boring enough. Sandow is a brainiac who is wading through wrestling muck in order to enlighten us. Yeah, good luck with that, Einstein.

Since he’s doing nothing but losing these days, why not have Randy Orton appear on the Saturday morning show? He could teach children new and interesting vocabuarly.

Big Show has come out of his summer hibernation and is in a punchin’ mood. Geesh. If only he didn't star in that "Knucklehead" movie and turned evil, the world would be a safer place.

I’m not sure what’s sadder, Miz’s new bland talk show or watching centurian Mae Young have orgasms. Hey, Miz, invite Mae to your show to liven things up.

Meanwhile in TNA…




Bound for Glory is rapidly approaching and they're wasting time with 18-year-old kids in try-out matches. Nice planning there, TNA.

Apparently the cops in Florida got tired of Hulk’s b.s. to do anything about Aces & Eights, so it’s gonna be some wrasslin’ winner-receives-hostage-for-life non-sense at the PPV. Aces & Eights: “We’re gonna burn Joseph Park.” Go ahead, guys. He’ll probably like it.

Samoa Joe is TV champ. Joe was disappointed that instead of winning a new TV, he won some belt Devon left behind in his locker.

The end of Impact featured Aces & Eights’s member Stinky Pinky holding a knife? Has a wrestler holding a knife ever worked? These bikers are hell-bent on taking over a tourist attraction that is sandwiched between Popeye’s Great Sea Adventure and the Cinnabon stand.

Despite the disjointed and lukewarm PPV build-up, you should buy Bound for Glory. If you do, TNA will crown you to be a official king. No joke. Just asked King Mo.

That’s it for King McKinley. Bow before me and show me respect, peasants. I have been the Absurd Champion for four years running. You’re not a man! You’re nothing! Nothing!

Thanks for reading.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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