By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“Roll on John
Don’t you roll so slow
How can I roll
When the wheels won’t roll”
- “Roll on John” by Bob Dylan

So, John Cena’s got a busted-up elbow... or a sprained ankle... or a broken head... or a punctured lung and a hamster wheel for a heart. Doesn’t matter. Cena will keep chugging along while I wince in pain from whimpy things like when my thighs are chafing. I’m sure that if Cena dies of natural causes, he’ll still show up working Raw. Rise above natural causes.




Cena’s the good guy who wants you to live without regrets and rise above cancer. But, his main adversary these days is C.M. Punk, a heel so heelish that he wears... a standard gray hoodie. That hoodie is kinda like C.M. Punk’s heel reign so far: functional, but not exactly flashy. Paul Heyman has yet to dissect John Cena live and in living color yet.

I'm hoping they'll leave Jerry Lawler away from this storyline. I know that "it's there," but it would be incredibly cheap to go that route.

C.M. Punk gets his heel on by punching old men and wondering why he’ll never be on the Mt. Rushmore of WWE wrestlers. Duh. Hogan, Taker, Rock, Stone Cold, and Cena are going up there, bud. They carve C.M. Punk’s face up there and many people will go, “Who the hell is that?”

This Cena-C.M. Punk has had some questionable officiating in it. Does this storyline aspect mirror the current refree woes of the NFL? Who knows. In football, they’re worried about preserving the sanctity and honor of the game as if football is a virgin queen dressed in white. There’s not so much sanctity and honor in wrestling when WWE talks about how the last Raw before the PPV scored big points on the social media meter (you know, the night ol’ horndog Jerry Lawler almost died of a heart attack).

Let’s face it: the only reason a morning news show brings on Michael Cole to talk about Jerry Lawler is to hopefully catch Michael Cole slip up and say, “Yes, I admit it! Wrestling is a death trap! People are dying left and right!”

At least C.M. Punk is a clearly defined heel in a clearly defined storyline that while, yes, it’s going to take it’s sweet time getting to the PPV, you know where it’s going. I don’t have an inkling of where TNA’s main feuds (Roode-Storm and Aries-Hardy) are going.

I know that TV is important nowadays, but you can’t help but feel that they gave away a sizeable chunk of appeal for Roode-Storm on the last Impact.

We were wondering how they were going to pull off Aries-Hardy. Easy, just turn Aries into a big jerk. Who's a big jerk? C.M. Punk. Hey, just be like C.M. Punk, Aries! Done. Now back to creating shots of Aces & Eights's super cool headquarters.




What’s throwing me off about this is that Bully Ray picked up a win over Aries. Even after Bully’s loss to Jeff at the last PPV, I still felt that Bully was going to main event BFG by hook or by crook, say in a triple threat match or by taking Jeff Hardy out.

Jeff Hardy has as much chance of winning the TNA Title as becoming the President of the United States of America. The day Jeff absurdly becomes TNA champion again is the day I stop watching and stop urging others to boycott TNA every single day. And, not just wrestling fans. Strangers on the street I will go up and say, "Don't watch TNA," and they will reply, "What the hell is TNA?"

TNA’s still in terror from Aces & Eights. All it would take is for Shaq to go over to their headquarters and lay waste to everyone. And, it would be believable, too. The leader of a pack dangling from a basketball hoop while Hulk Hogan nods his head in victory. Thank you, Super Shaq.

What’s not believable is why “Gut Check” continues to exist. Maybe it’s a gut check for viewers to see if they’ll keep watching. Imagine watching a bad episode “NXT,” but now compete with not hearing from these guys again and Al Snow talking about getting a haircut. I can’t believe no one from Spike TV went, “Hey, can we get rid of this ‘Gut Check’ deal? And, the corny noise effects when you tape your discussion meetings? Thanks. Beep Beep Vroom.”

And, man, the last guy they showcased for this "Gut Check" deal? The dude was a living, breathing Mini Nilla Wafer. "Look, everybody, mini wafer! It's so tiny and weak! Let's give this wafer air time!"

Heck, Spike TV probably doesn’t even watch the show. They know the magic number (“1.1”) and that’s good enough for them to trust TNA by giving them a longer contract. Unlike most biker gangs, Aces & Eights doesn't earn money by doing protection rackets or selling drugs. They make money... because they're hired by TNA! What a swerve.

Back over in WWE land, if I were to say to you at the start of the year that Daniel Bryan would get pinned in 18 seconds at WrestleMania and that he would hug it out with Kane during matches, you would probably say that was going to be a bad year for the troll from Washington. But, Bryan/Kane is now a thing. And, chances are it’s probably one of the few things you remember from three-hour Raws.

I don’t mind Bryan and Kane comedy shtick, but it’s not nirvana. Did the last Smackdown need to be the Kane and Bryan show? You betcha. Smackdown’s plumb out of ideas at the moment, fellas. Remember when Booker banned the Brogue Kick... and then re-instated it right before the PPV match? What a waste of time. If I were Smackdown champion Sheamus, I would be so bored of fighting Alberto Del Rio at that point I would just blast him with a chair and lose by DQ to retain.

It would be funny if after this Kane/Bryan thing dies down and WWE’s tag team division goes into not-mattering mode once again, tag teams will go, “What if we kissed it out? We could be featured heavily with Dr. Shelby!”

Miz as Intercontinental Champion right now is similar to NBC’s Thursday night line-up: it’s not must-see. Miz will never lose to the wrestling’s version of the jacked-up Cookie Monster, Ryback, and continue his reign of boring mediocrity. Hey look, I’ve got this edgy new talk show that’s weaksauce compared to “Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo." Just can’t compete with Honey Boo-Boo. We just need you to scowl during a Miz victory, sweetie, and WWE will devote a Smackdown to it.

I’ve heard a rumor floating around on the wire that WWE is trying to destroy any visual evidence of the Miz/Sin Cara Smackdown crapatacular match that happened recently. Like “break into the homes of the fans who saw it and destroy their electronic recording devices and maybe the witnesses themselves” type of deal. I’m not sure who’s fault it was for such a bad match, but I’ll go ahead and blame Sin Cara. I never liked you, Sin Cara. Never ever.




Randy Orton’s visibly peeved that he’s going to go shoot another bad WWE flick, or that the guy across from him sneezed at the wrong time, he’s jonesing really hard for a heel turn, or there’s just not enough bleeping baby oil in the world for Randy bleeping Orton... who knows. I swear at work, but I'm not being filmed on live television on a PG show when I work. I'm not sure what the Barrett Barrage can do to hurt Orton. After all, if you throw Orton down a flight of stairs again, oily Orton will just slide down unhurt.

There are a lot of other mid-card matches and feuds to recap from WWE, but to save on space we’ll just label them in the “brain fart” category. I would put Dolph Ziggler vs. Santino on Raw in that one.

Is Brodus Clay “uncarryable?" “Well, yes, he’s a two-ton blubber ball, McKinley." What I mean is that can anyone have a good match with him? And, Good Lord, the dancing. It doesn’t put smiles on faces, WWE. It makes them cry and vomit. Well, that’s a big lie, but c’mon now. I wrote this on May 19: “I'm also guessing USA Network feels good about that assumption and bought the fib that the wrestlers are going to be fighting while wearing jetpacks and that Brodus Clay won't be doing the same thing in September that he's currently doing in May.”

That’s it for me. Hey, you young people, stop wearing your hoods up while you’re indoors. You’re not a Jedi. You’re not Luke Skywalker. Bah, I say.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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