By Shane McKInley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“I’m a guy
A guy who seems calm but plays when he plays
A guy who goes completely crazy when the right time comes
A guy who has bulging ideas rather that muscles
That kind of guy”
-“Gangnam Style” by PSY

Michael Cole: “And, the 13,604 are chanting 'hug him back' as #WWEhug trends worldwide on Twitter."

The rules of a “hug it out” match are as follows:

- Both competitors have to embrace at the same time

- The hug must be held for a ten-count

- Half-hugs or chest bumps do not count

- There is no time limit, because this thing needs to be dragged out

- We don't blame you if you were watching us at this point, stopped, and didn't return.

Not for nothing, but I didn’t think back a year ago you could sell me by having Daniel Bryan do nothing in the ring for ten minutes but try to hug. Heck, I still don’t think I’m sold on it.

In these three-hour Raws, most of the things tend to blend together. Daniel Bryan and Kane’s “Anger Management” shtick is similar to that “Psy Gangnam Style” song: It’s hella stupid, but people everywhere are digging it. I mean, “Shut Up, Harold” makes some people giggle. The Chicago people especially enjoyed seeing these two social outcasts hug it out, and you’re thinking, “Maybe these guys should be in a tag team called ‘The Demon Goats.’” Of course, this bit couldn’t work for just anybody. You put John Cena vs. Tim Tebow in a hug it out match and that’s a case of instant vomiting right there.

"Hey, gang! Do you want to see Kane and Daniel Bryan do the same thing you've seen for the last two hours, or do you want them to do something wacky and stupid? Thought so."

I especially loved the fact that it was set up to go “D’awww, Kane and Daniel Bryan luv each other” to “Kane’s going to snap your neck with a metal chair." It was like WWE was saying, “After they hug it out, we gotta get serious on them. Have Kane pull out a gun and shoot Bryan."







Of course, they followed up this comedy bit with more Santino comedy, and we promptly fell back into our usual Raw viewership mode: bored and fast-forwarding.

When these Raw three-hour shows first started off, I wrote that we were getting measured bit after measured bit. Now, we’re getting bits that really don’t need to be on the flagship show.

I almost feel Santino’s bits should be shot in “cartoon version." I’m a grown man and I’m watching Santino reach for his magical green sock that will give him super strength. I know that this stuff is for babies, but I’m sure even babies would find this incredibly stupid. I can only hope that Santino pulls a Jack Swagger, leaves, and tries sobriety.

Miz: “You know, Jake ‘The Snake” Roberts didn’t run around with a sock puppet. He just punched people in the mouth and DDT’ed them." Hoorah.

Zack Ryder is getting some lovin’ again. Will it go anywhere? Who knows. Zack Ryder might be talking to his magical sunglasses next week.

Ryback’s push is in the “bloated Elvis” phase. "Well I tell ya something, little darlin. Just feed me more ice cream and chicken. Burpppp. You ain't nuthin but a hound dog..." It’s like watching Ryback play Madden on "rookie" difficulty and grabbing 83-0 shut-outs time after time again. Dude, you’re so awesome and boring!

The A.J.-Vickie bit was rough. It's hard to have a crush on a girl when all we see do is throw temper-tantrums and suck at her job.

This Friday on Smackdown: David Otunga, per a tout video, will address Sheamus cold-bootin’ Ricardo, per section XIVIII.A.2342.2B of the justice legal code. Eh, you weren’t going to watch it anyway.

JBL should pull an Apple and sue Alberto Del Rio for stealing his gimmick. Well, frankly, all of the old-timers should sue these youngins', because they're all cherry-picking from them. Wait, nobody can sue nobody, because they're all WWE characters who cry and hug and dance.

It’s hard not to notice the re-pushing of Alberto Del Rio. The man beats Randy Orton clean in the ring on a Smackdown, and I digged the Cena-Alberto Del Rio match to close the show.

I’ll like to give a thumbs up to Dolph Ziggler picking up a win over Randy Orton. Ziggler needs to look like a champ, not a chump.

I also thought Miz handled himself well out there with announcing. However, WWE’s latest thing of revolving-door of guest announcers give more credence to the notion that they’re making things up on the fly.

Fans tend to rip WWE and TNA for their stupid booking, but they gotta give props when they do it right. I felt how C.M. Punk was booked and his deliverly was solid gold and truly smart stuff.

How does WWE get people to hate C.M. Punk? By having him choose not to wrestle and siding him with the social slimeball known as Paul Heyman. And, Punk’s heel is a very good one, because in Punk’s mind, he’s so deluded in believing that he’s doing what is right, and it comes off effortlessly. Cena will play the role of the stoic white knight while C.M. Punk turns even more to the dark side, and finding that he likes it. Can't wait for the Punk-Heyman hustle to begin.




I find myself in the position where I don’t care about C.M. Punk vs. John Cena in two weeks as much as you care about the next Punk-Paul Heyman TV skit.

The big news out of the night was the reveal of Paul Heyman being C.M. Punk’s right-hand man and create even more Punk Promo goodness. There’s a old line of thinking in wrestling shows in that fans only remember four or so major things, and you should keep it simple. From watching Raw, you can see what the major bullet points were for this Raw: C.M. Punk and Bryan-Kane… hugging it out. The bad news is what’s presented as the mid-card is clearly filler, and it’s a struggle to get to the main event.

It’s odd ,though. People are throwing out terms like “brilliant” for the C.M. Punk/Heyman pairing (that duo is going to make tons of money) on the same show that featured the first official “Hug It Out” match in professional sports-entertainment history. It sure would make my life a lot easier as a viewer if Raw went back to two hours. These suckers are marathons.

That’s it for me. From Triple H crying last week to Kane and Bryan hugging it out…I can imagine a lot of people going, “You know, next week I would rather watch grown men play football instead." Please don't watch Monday Night Football. Please.

Wait a sec...

DUDES!

THEY HAVE "HUG IT OUT" MATCHES IN WWE 13! SWEET! CHECK OUT THESE EXCLUSIVE PICS!










Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

We suggest these recent related articles...

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw: HBK To Crossbow Lesnar On Sunday, WWE Asks Paul Bearer's Ashes To Sell Mania, Punk & Triple H's Post-Mania Plans, Cash Cow Cena = Bieber?

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - State of WM29 Card: Rock & Cena To Sing About Buffalo Nipples To Get Heat, What Heyman Should Have Stipulated To Hunter, Punk To Relieve Himself In Urn To Get Heat

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw & TNA: Using The Recently-Dead For Storylines, Bully Ray King Of Da World, Swagger To Be Sold To N. Korea Post-WM29, And Raw Gets A Flat