By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“The fire I began is burning me alive
But I know better than to leave and let it die”
-“Silhouette” by Owl City


Let’s do an absurd experiment. Monday night, I had a two-hour phone call meeting when Raw was on, so I watched with the sound down. I have not read any of the show reports yet. Can I correctly guess what WWE Superstars and announcers were saying? Is WWE that predictable? And, will A.J. Styles claim fatherhood of Snooki’s baby if there’s nobody there to love it? Read on to find out.

Like most people, I don’t get home at precisely 5:00 p.m. PST to watch the opening hour of Raw (some might say this is a benefit). But, usually the opening hour of Raw involves C.M. Punk being a dastardly heel and Ryback eating somebody on live television.

So, I came into Raw watching John Cena beat up The Miz. The Miz does a great acting job of acting like an aloof wrestler movie star who’s clearly more hype than substance. I’m not sure where Mizzy is going, but Cole will sing how great he is even though you don't believe it.

An on-screen graphic informs me that the first segment must have involved C.M. Punk and Jerry Lawler, because Punk vs. Lawler is the main event. And, through the powers of social media, you get to tweet the method of Jerry’s execution.

This match was put together because Lawler wants to beat some sense into Punk…or A.J. Lee thinks that Jerry Lawler is a perv and wants her secret crush (don’t deny it) to beat this dirty old man up.

While we’re at it, I’m guessing that one of the tag team matches materialized from an A.J. Lee skit where someone had the gall to call A.J. a sensible and normal human being. Yeah, she’s a great GM. Putting Jericho’s contract up and having Jerry Lawler get beaten senseless by Punk. She’s face, right?

We head into a skit...involving Daniel Bryan. I can’t hear the words, but I assume Daniel Bryan is pissed off that he found himself in a bit ripped off from that Adam Sandler movie “Anger Management." Guess who shows up? Kane! How absurd!

It’s the one man bandddd Heath Slater, and he’s facing... Santino. Not for nothing, but this contest looks to have less action that WWE’s new Saturday Slam show. Slater and Santino dancin’ it up at the start. Gravy. I should have interupted my meeting at this point to bring attention to what's happening on WWE Raw. Santino avoids losing despite his snake getting distracted by a black-haired vixen. Sounds like an AC/DC song. And, no, “snake” is not a nickname for Santino’s penis (which would make more sense to me seeing Santino run after her with his crotch leading the way, but it’s a PG show), but... for Santino’s hand sock. Which he thinks is real. Remember Perry Saturn talking about how stoned he was during those “Moppy” bits? I’m guessing Santino has some drinks in him before pretending his hand is real. You need something to drive you, I guess.

Oh, and Santino won the match by the way. Didn't Heath Slater defeat Sin Cara on Smackdown?

The great thing about wrestling is that we are accustomed to dumb crap, and in many cases have a amusing laugh at the absurdity of it all of just how bad this crap is. But, there are cases where the breaking point has been reached and it’s just too stupid for words. A character’s new shtick feels dead on arrival. You’re hoping it doesn’t grow and expand; you hope it shrivels up and goes back inside whoever’s brain it came from.

And, also won’t somebody think of the children? I was willing to allow my son Jeffrey to watch Saturday Morning Slam because Kofi and Health were just playing pattycake, but a wrestler talking to his hand puppet? No thank you!

Social media time. Your announcers, Cole and The White Wussy, show you how cool social media is. Look at these screens, man. Ain't that cool? You damn right.

Should there be a wrestling law that you are not allowed to follow up a Santino match with a Brodus Clay match? Brodus Clay. The man has more outfits than wrestling moves. The score is 102 to 4 in that department. I’m hoping we can get some older fans dancing with Brodus Clay and the Broduettes, because I feel really damn old watching an eight-year-old doing the Furry Doggie Slide or whatever. C’mon, kid, chop block Brodus from behind.

Another thought is a dastardly heel wrestler dresses up like a kid, scrunches down to be about 4-feet-tall, and chopblocks Brodus from behind during his post-match celebration. It would actually make people pay attention to the post-match dancing bit. My thought: You plant some kids and have the Brodus dance girls usher them out of the way when the action goes down. Though, I'm not sure people will buy Sandow dancing on his knees, but then again, they're not buying in watching three hours of Raw.

And, a Carl Speckler from "Caddyshack" impression: "The thing you do with Brodus is, he bothers you, I'll take care of him...What you gotta do with Brodus is cut the hamstring on the back of his leg right at the bottom...he'll never dance again."




Sitcom time. We’re back in Anger Management, and it is now Kane’s time to share. I can’t hear the words (nor can read mouths), but I’m guessing Kane is recapping his demented childhood and what he does to deal with anger. Dr. Evil comes in and tells Kane to be original. After Kane’s done, Kobe Bryant wants to shake Kane’s hand, but Kane tells Kobe he hates that Kobe doesn’t pass the ball enough. Kane then realizes that this is a stupid segment and leaves.

Daniel Bryan is shown walking down the hall. Will he remain calm during his match? Where’s the fun in that?

Is Triple H retiring? I guess so. He wasn’t seen as a full-time active duty wrestler, but sure, go ahead and retire, it will be a nice moment.

It’s Daniel Bryan vs. R-Truth, and Dominic Monoghan is your Raw Social Ambassador. I have no idea who this fella is. My best guess from his black-and-white photo is that he was a runaway during the 1800s and he’s tweeting from beyond the grave.

Bryan vs. R-Truth has a guest announcer, WWE’s favorite new thing that they’re doing to death. A usual sign of a bad match that needs extra help is if a guest announcer is brought in. It can work (see Jericho), but most of the time these guest announcers distract and detract from the match. You shouldn’t do the guest announcer thing in every match (cough Smackdown cough). I can only assume that Smackdown has a lot of crappy matches.

Daniel Bryan is fist bumpin’ an invisible kid. Later in the match, R-Truth and Daniel Bryan pull off great moves (getting a microphone) and I guess R-Truth goads Bryan to lose his cool. Josh Mathews makes a comment that apparently those anger management classes weren’t very helpful. This is silly.

Not as silly as thinking that Bryan would get less mat time than he would get mic time in a match. This notion would be unheard of a year ago. But, Bryan’s got them going, and the crowd loves to drive him insane. How long do you give Bryan’s “Yes/No” shtick?

Looks like it’s a “yes” with Triple H is retiring. Didn’t hear a word of it, but I’m guessing that from all of the dramatic pauses and nice crowd reaction that Triple H worked them good.

Plus, Triple H’s armcast was very chic. I’m surprised that little baby wasn’t trending.

Why isn’t Triple H beloved? Two signs in the crowd: “HBK was better than you” and “You tapped out." Ouch.

Here’s how I think Triple H’s promo went:

Wait out cheering. Joke. Wait out polite laughter. Summerslam. Brock Lesnar. Paul Heyman. “I laid everything out on the line, and I came up short." Talking about career. “It’s been one hell of a ride. Don’t talk to me while I’m at Starbucks." Mic drop. Cheers.




The Jericho vanquisher Dolph Ziggler is here. He gives what I’m guessing is a “meh” promo on top of the stage and stomps gloomily to the ring. Kinda odd. Ziggler’s been presented as a chump whose eventual MITB cash-in on Sheamus will be viewed as lucky. All it will take is one Brogue Kick for Sheamus to retain the World Title. At least Ziggler will last longer than 18 seconds.

So, Sheamus and Alberto Del Rio are throwing shoes at each other, while Randy Orton is like that kid who’s fearful of doing anything deemed wrong. There’s an invisible ankle monitor on the man and his parole officer is a strict one.

We’re getting a flurry of wrestling here, maybe to make up for the time we spent doing sitcoms, kid comedy, and emotional good-byes.

Lawler talks with John Cena. Cena advises Lawler to be careful out there with the WWE champion. Lawler reassures Cena. Despite that he’s old as dirt and a WWE Hall of Famer, he’s gonna beat some sense into this punk.

They crafted that whole segment to convince you that it’s real. They didn’t show you Lawler and Punk going over their match and their spots. That would ruin it, wouldn’t it?

The next segment is WWE’s “B.A. Star” segment, where evil heel scumbucket C.M. Punk is telling you to reach for the stars, kids. Hey, it’s all pretend, kids. Punk’s a good guy.




I know that WWE has some competition in “Pawn Stars," but if you’re getting beaten by a show called “Storage Wars," it’s time to reconsider your gameplan. Storage Wars! Extreme, dude!

Before we get to Lawler-Punk, we have Kane coming out. He’s gonna put the hurtin’ on Josh Mathews. Mathews scurries away and the big red demon does something shocking.

He sits down and puts the headphones on his head.

Seems Kane wants to do some guest announcing.

Okay.

Zack Ryder comes out. I’m guessing Cole is going, “By the way, Kane, you hate this guy!”

Not sure what I saw more of: Ryder vs. Lawyer or cutaway shots of Kane.

Did Kane say anything? Was Cole asking Kane about the anger management group and did Kane go, “I had the group liquidated, you little bleep?”

Ryder wins. Kane rushes up to him and chokes him. I’m guessing Kane is apologizing for his actions he committed out of anger. Ryder accepts, bewildered of how much positive emotional progress the big guy has made.

Josh Mathews will now announce what method Lawler will be tortured. It’s a cage match!

A.J. Lee comes out for some reason. And, I have no idea what she said.

What happens next is pretty standard. C.M. Punk beats up Lawler. Lawler gets some shots in. C.M. Punk turns up the heat and whispers sweet, sweet heelish things into a beaten Lawler. A surprise turns up with C.M. Punk being busted open, but WWE waves their wand and it’s barely noticeable. John Cena comes in to save the day, but Punk has locked himself in the cage with Lawler, and it’s not for happy sexy time. Cena runs around, looking for some method to get inside the locked cage.

Well, you could climb over the top, but instead, you just stand there, asking Punk to stop, if that’s all right and if you don’t mind terribly. It seems John didn’t want to put himself too much at risk for Lawler. We understand. C.M. Punk's new look is just so badass, you just can't mess with the dude. It's the same look I give my evil create-a-character in video games. Muhahahaha.

That’s it for me. I wish I had the work ethic and total lack of need for sleep like a Vince McMahon. I gotta go to sleep before work, you Owl City gangstas.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

[Photo credit WWE.com]

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