By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

An absurd stream of WWE Summerslam match tweets @ShaneTexasCedt .

(1) Jericho vs. Ziggler

Sources tell me Jericho has some Fozzy CDs under his taping and will try to give them to fans at one point. Zigmesiter: What year is it? Jericho: Just look at Y2J's crotchal region.

Just give up, Jericho. Fozzy needs you in the bus in ten minutes. And ... Ziggler loses. We'll see what they'll do Monday night. I don't really understand the Jericho win or why he needed it.

Please stop saying "A Perfect Storm Is Brewing." What the hell is a "perfect storm?" Brock: "Triple H, this is a fight, you cannot win. This is a perfect storm brewing. Watch me brew, baby." Meanwhile, Brock hurt HBK so bad that HBK's in heaven, surrounded by Twitter birds. Brock's inner thoughts: "I don't want to be here."

(2) Bryan vs. Kane

Wow, L.A. just came unglued for a short white guy. Now, thinking back to WrestleMania and how Kane picked up a upset over Randy Orton and how it confused us. And, the award goes to anyone if you can tell this match's back-story, because I've forgotten. I'll pretend these guys are fighting to be the guest star in Charlie Sheen's sitcom. Fan: "You ok? Work it out, Bryan. Work it out, big boy. Yes! Yes! Yes!" Overall, nice TV match. Okay. Now, Kane's gonna rip stuff up backstage. That was probably the dumbest move Josh Mathews ever made in interviewing a raging psychopath.

Meanwhile, in TNA...A.J. Styles: "Whatever. I'll agree to the match stipulations of being the father if it ends this dumb storyline."

(3) Miz vs. Mysterio

I remember when Alex Riley used to be Miz's lackey. Not so impressed with the "Awesome" bubble, as this isn't a high school prep rally. You dare knockdown Batman Mysterio? Your pain will be immense. C'mon, Mysterio, get into the Bat and take care of this fool.

Nonplussed about these matches so far. Miz gets the prefunctory win. Great movie star, you beat up an old Mysterio who's been gone a year. From early impressions it does look like this PPV will be a one-trick pony deal (Trips-Lesnar match).

(4) Sheamus vs. Del Rio

The sequel to the match nobody wanted the first time is up next. Maybe they should have someone by Del Rio's car to honk during the match to wake people up. Not fair. It's not going to be that bad. During this time I would like to promote "Jones Soda: Strawberry Lime Soda" and "Pop-Tarts: Cherry" (untoasted). And, I'm wondering where's the point in the show where we can see our Touts and can tweet to vote on the stipulation of a match...no?

So, Sheamus is a thief and Del Rio has a out for his loss due to his manservant. Eh, hired help, what are you going to do? A lot of moving parts in that finish. Somewhere, Tensai is watching this and beating the crap out of his manservant Suckamato.

Night of Champions: "Half of these titles mean something."

Ref Armstrong: Shut up, Trips. You're not my boss. Oh wait, you are. And yes, your hair looks great tonight. What conditioner did you use? ... Hopefully Cena-Punk-Show and Trips-Brock bring it. Not a bad show by any means...but doesn't at all feel like a big-time PPV.

(5) Tag Title match

"Remember that one month when the Prime Time Playas were the #1 Tag Team Contenders?"

Dude, I just saw Jack Swagger. It was really, really brief, but I saw Jack Swagger. Hey, it's the worst United States Champion serving food. Ryan Lochte: What the hell is WWE? Now we're getting the Hollywood vibe. Dear Lord, I need to get Piers Morgan's viewpoint on Brock-Trips.

(6) Cena vs. Punk vs. Show

To me, Cena looks a little tired. I'm guessing too much hanging out with Scooby Doo solving mysteries. I hope in my life I see Cena break down and cry from the incessant booing he gets in the ring...instead of smiling and going, "Hee hee hee!" ... C.M. Punk's tights...Must...not... reference .... Bret Hart...too...obvious...

Some might chide for C.M. for his lack of selling at certain points...and nobody in the arena is believing Big Show will tap...until Cena locks in his submission move. The Human Centipede finish? Here comes A.J. A.J. Lee: I find your skipping not very professional, thank you. And, uh... this is still a WWE Title match. And, Punk wins on the re-start. Fine. Focus on Big Show as a dominant force, and we get more of the cognitive dissonance between Cena and C.M. Punk. But, this is not Money In The Bank 2011 stuff here. Both act like d-bags at certain points.

Interlude: Who knew Hollywood was filled with a bunch of phonies? Your new United States Champion Antonio doesn't want you to know that he uses Google's Babel Fish. Hey everybody, it's dance time! NFL and UFC don't have dance breaks! But, we do! Can we have Brock Lesnar beat up all of these people on stage right now?

(7) Brock vs. Triple H

Triple H: Dammit, I want the perfect storm hyped up! Radar screens and tornado warnings! These Brock-Trips video packages have been played so much I believe they are the memories of my childhood. I can't remember anything else.

Some say HBK shows up and costs Trips the match. How would you book it? Brock needs a win, but will WWE give one to him with Mr. WWE? Or, why can't these guys just settle their difference with dancing? Cue up some music and let the hate flow away.

With all of the grace of two cars crashing into each other. Wait, what did Trips just say? "This is WWE, not UFC?" Brock-Trips synopsis so far: No blood, lots of arm submissions. Great, Trips, you've hurt the guy who's had that intestinal injury. Not sure if I'm supposed to feel sympathy for Lesnar. Damn you, Trips, stop attacking poor Lesnar's tummy, you prick! C'mon, Brock, attack the quad! Attack the quad!

The most powerful low-blow of all-time, that is what that is. Triple H tapped to Brock Lesnar! The man taps out! Trips: Tell me...how's my hair? "YOU TAPPED OUT! YOU TAPPED OUT!" Oh, Lord, get on with it. How long is this Trips love bit going to go on? It's a bit... sickening. Triple H is now considering retiring from this two-matches a year schedule. Feel sad.

To me, the biggest shocks of the night were Ziggler losing and Lesnar winning. Their fight was a bloodless PG "Rocky" bit. But, Lesnar defeating Trips is the right move. And, the Staples Center chanted, "YOU TAPPED OUT!" during Trips's big emotional, sad bit.

All in all, I would give this PPV an "In The Middle Of Absurdity" grade. Nothing horrendously bad, but it was also inoffensively generic.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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