By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“If you scared to take chances
You’ll never have the answers”
- “Trust” by Nas

- Shazam. Skype. Tout. Twitter.

If you were living in 1993 when Raw first aired, you would figure that these were the names of the wacky and zacky characters WWF was introducing on Raw, wearing outfits that made you think that they were colorblind.

But, you’re living in the present, and seemingly WWE introduced more of new social media concepts to make you afraid.

Now, the Twitter polls were fine and effective. The touts were pointless for me as a fan to watch. They want fans to sign up for Tout so you can see yourself on Monday Night Raw, and I can’t argue with the logic with that. I can argue with fans seeing “exclusive” touts of Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar. If you can’t fit it in a three-hour show that features a Sean Mooney cameo, chances are it’s not that big of a deal and not worth my time.

I don’t know what the hell Shazam is or why I would ever use it. Simple case of WWE having money left over in Operation Social Media.

But, those Skype videos with Charlie Sheen…gut-wrenching, cringe-inducing, and puke-worthy. I hate this worse than the Raw Guest GMs, which at least had the advantage of being shown in HDTV. Imagine Sheen in a snuff film, faking his way about how cool Sheamus is. Yup.




I’m not sure how I feel about the proposed Daniel Bryan vs. Charlie Sheen match/fight/social media battle. Bryan is bringing the awesome wrestling ability, and Sheen’s bringing the fire he had when he made “Hot Shots: Part Deux” (before social media was invented). The goal here is to get Oompa Loompa Goatface higher points on the social media score. Meh. Use a necktie on him, Danny.

Bryan has figured out that to do WWE promos, you have to sound like you’re gonna blow out your o-ring. The trick for short guys in wrestling is just to grow a beard, as people can relate to short, fuzzy cretins who are yelling and raving.

The big news on Raw was C.M. Punk turning heel. And, we can see the reasons storyline why he would feel that way, with Dwayne and Johnny overshadowing him. Rock and Cena are WWE, through and through. C.M. Punk has that outsider vibe to him.




However, I can't see the storyline reason for A.J. becoming the Raw General Manager, other than she brings in the ratings. Somebody in a strait jacket attacking the fans would do the trick as well, but the powers that be decided to make A.J. the one to blame when they go back to two hours.

Well, Sting did make con artist Hulk Hogan the general manager of Impact a while back and that made no sense, so maybe they’re all brain-damaged.

Another lame A.J. payoff, true, but I’m digging what we’ll see on the few weeks she is the GM. She always appears to be one step ahead of Daniel Bryan, and her character is great. I’m pretty sure she’s the only Diva WWE has in employ right now.

Revealing the laptop GM, GTV, and Mae Young’s Hand is all grown-up? Absurdly amusing, but let’s bring out the big guns. Consider me impressed if you replay the Katie Vick bit IN FULL this October. You still have Triple H, you still have Kane, and blow-up dolls are just around the corner. After all, it is the 10th anniversary. C’mon, you know how much you’ll love rubbing this garbage in our faces. Think of the social media ratings hashtag Katie Vick will bring in.

The DX trip back memory lane was fun for a show starter, but I gotta tell ya…when Undertaker made his entrance…I was checking out mentally. I mean…three hours. I needed that Sonic Girl to get me a five-hour energy drink.

I’m not being sarcastic. That stuff really does work. Better than coffee or energy drinks. Seriously. I swear by it.




That bit with Jack Swagger losing was going to happen anyway, 1,000th Raw or not. Take away the Sonic Girl, Shazam, and Dude Love, and you would still have the same crap. That absurd bit reminded me of the stinker film “Batman & Robin.” If you’re going to suck, might as well go for the money. And, by all means, have the Sonic Girl have more airtime than Jack Swagger. That girl will earn you more money.

They brought back Rey Mysterio and paid him big-time bucks. All he has to do is one move a match and be sure to wear a shirt. Also, to sell the crap out of these Mattel toys, buddy.

Professional alcoholic Stone Cold was missed at Raw 1,000 due to a knee injury. Professionaly, he was drunk as a skunk.

Brock Lesnar….eh. The hype has considerably died down. I’ve forgotten what a monster he is, as it’s been the Paul Heyman show. Stephanie was railing against the injustices of Paul Heyman and how he was such a bad businessman and I thought to myself, “Maybe they’re paying Brock by how many seconds he appears on screen.” I can imagine Brock saying, “Hey, you want me for 15 seconds? $15 grand." I’ve also forgotten why Trips and Brocky are fighting, other than the chance for Trips to play a Marvel Comic Book hero.




I’m liking Miz’s new look, as he has that Micheal Biehn look (once again, before social media was invented) and Cody Rhodes’s white belt.

You see, Rock doesn’t announce he’s going to fight the champion at a Armagedon PPV. Pssh. He chooses the big ones. Last year they did a bit with John Cena fighting to remain champion before his Mania bout with Rock. Perhaps C.M. Punk will steal a bit from Robert Roode in the coming months. By the way, it appears that you can watch Robert Roode now only on Russian television. Somebody want to hook me up with Impact?

That’s it for me. Check out other popular social media like Blurb, Lank, Phrat, Crunko, and Asso. Seriously. Look it up. By the way, can someone get me in contact with Five-Hour Energy Drink to pimp their stuff and get paid for it?

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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