By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“Let’s make a bet, I know the reason you ain’t make it yet
You say you set, but you ain’t see the tedious ingredients
That go inside of a rider, you hiding from problems and
You never knew how to make dollars
You couldn’t make orders at a drive-through McDonald’s”
“You Wouldn’t Understand” by Nas

Yes siree, I am excited for Raw 1,000, which is brimming to the hilt with nostalgia, big stars, a big-time championship match, and the rushed marriage of Daniel Bryan and A.J. Lee, otherwise known as Super Meat Boy and Bandage Girl.




PWTorch columnist Greg Parks wrote that he thinks they’re going to get married, and I’m going to side with GP. But, still holding on to my theory that Kane will parachute in at one point and profess that even demons need love, too.

Am I fearing big bad Brock Lesnar? Not as much as I’m fearing Dwayne Johnson, who looks nowadays like two Rocks put together. Where can I get those fabulous Hollywood vitamins, Rocky? In Rock's head, Eric Cartman's voice is saying, "Beefcake! Beefcake! Beefcake!" I don’t think he’s going to fit through the curtain space. He’ll get stuck because he’s just so massively huge at this point and he’ll cut a promo about how he’ll never leave us….and then he’ll leave us. Rock's a busy man. He can't spare, say, three hours every Monday night. Man, who would do that?




No one is really feeling C.M. Punk vs. John Cena. A John Cena doesn’t need to win Money In The Bank and call his shot the next night. He’s John Cena. It’s hard not to notice that he’s the one ending PPVs, not the WWE champion. I figure they’ll have a match, but Big Show will interfere and the re-match will be set for Summerslam. The goody-two shoes John Cena vs. the Bath Salts guy in Staples Center. Order now. And, hey, the WWE champion will actually end the show this time around. Anything can happen in WWE.

Can’t forget about Undertaker. Before Brock goes back to doing nothing for the rest of his life, there are two dream matches I want to see: Brock vs. Undertaker and Brock vs. Rock.

I follow Batista on Twitter, so therefore I am a “hater." Batista calls everybody a hater. Hey, Dave, Not sure how a 42-year-old with asthma will do in an MMA match.

Batista: Hater! Hater! Hater!

Me: I’m not hatin’! I just have valid concerns!

Batista: Stealth mode activated (crouches slightly). You’re gonna pay, hater.

Well, Batista is slowly making his way over towards me in stealth mode, so let’s wrap this thing up.

On Raw 1,000, you’ll see Vince, big brass balls and all, boasting that Raw made it to 1,000 shows and how not even WCW, Congress, or The Almighty Himself could stop Raw. It’s quite a accomplishment. Maybe The Absurdity Of It All needs to host an out-of-the-blue wedding to pop them numbers.

I feel bad for Dolph Ziggler. He’s nearly breaking his body, taking crazy bumps, all in just a effort to hold the World Heavyweight Champion for three months. Some wrestlers lay it all out on the line, while some go half-speed at house shows to extend their careers. Ziggy’s not a perfectionist, he’s a maschocist.




Ziggy is going to be tangling up with Chris Jericho. At this point of his career, Jericho doesn’t need to win. He’s already done everything in wrestling. His job is to get the other guy over, from your C.M. Punks to your Ziggles. I must say it is pretty cool to be a wrestler/rocker/best-selling author.




TNA tried to go three hours. No, really they did. They had this “Rewind” show that made history by actually getting negative rating numbers and was quickly canned. Chalk this up to “just because you have a idea doesn’t mean you should act on it."

They say that by going live, you get a better sense of what the fans like or dislike, what they are interested in, and what they are not. Personally, for the Impact Zone, I would just fill it with TNA “VIP Members,” because these tourists who act like they’re in church are sucking dogs, man.

Although it is hard to blame them sitting through another Aces & Eights beat down. This storyline has all of the brainpower of a Go Fish game. Save us, Hogan, from bikers that starred in your “No Holds Barred” movie! If we knew it would be this easy to take out TNA talent, the PWTorch staff would have done this a long time ago.

I’m also giving negative points for the Claire angle. The reaction to this angle is universal: Claire sucks. I don’t care if A.J. Styles has a small army of babies he made with crack whores. What makes A.J. Styles stand-out isn’t his character. He’s weak on the mic and explaining his character wouldn’t even fill up a Tout video. All that’s missing is Bobby Heenan asking if Claire co-signed a loan with Dixie.

That’s it for me. Take care out there.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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