By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“Ooh you know
That much it’s true
Girl I’m so in love
I’m stupid”
-“Stuck on Stupid” by Chris Brown

There's a trifecta of PPV events coming our way: UFC’s Sonnen vs. Silva II, TNA’s Destination X, and WWE’s Money In The Bank.

Sonnen vs. Silva II: No hype needed. I’m curious who beats up Sonnen first: Silva or Sonnen's debt collectors. If Sonnen does win, I hope that he remembers his prepared wrestling character victory speech and rocks the world with it. Or, will Sonnen choke again? Will Brock Lesnar slap WWE in the face by going to a UFC event like a regular human being (HOW DARE HE!).

Then, there's Destination X this Sunday. Yes, Bobby Roode faces an X Division squirt, and, yes, said X Division squirt will probably lose by being distracted with the fact that he looks like a shabby Florida pirate, but I’m digging the match. Maybe because I’m definitely sold on Bobby Roode as TNA champion, cruddy finishes aside. Or, maybe because Austin Aries has such a swashbuckling style, yo ho ho. As he stands on the beach, he knows he won't ever give up on his dream of one day leading a motley crew to Treasure Island.

Meanwhile...C.M. Punk has held the WWE Title for am awful long time, too. Punk treats that historic belt with so much respect, he photocopies it at the same place where seconds before he took pictures of his butt. Maybe the next PPV will feature a ladder match of Punk and Bryan fighting for a photocopy of the title that is signed by A.J.




Fans know that it doesn’t really matter if C.M. Punk or Daniel Bryan holds the WWE Title; what really matters is who holds A.J. Lee’s heart. It does stink that the WWE Title is once again an afterthought, but hey, the Summer of A.J. has helped bring in big ratings.

I feel that I can’t really give two shotgun blasts to Raw’s face if it’s pulling in 3.2 with the love story of “Psycho girl and two indy smucks who hate wearing pants." Ratings went up after the disappearance of an goober and the appearance of a goddess? Imagine that.

A.J. Lee vs. Kharma - that would be huge. 95 pounds vs. a Sherman Tank. It would be like a real-life comic book.

At least A.J. Lee is kissing guys somewhere around her age. Madison Rayne locked lips with Earl Hebner, because she likes it saggy, and Evil Earl still likes to torment us. I guess Madison wants to jump aboard that crazy train, too. “I’ll fall in love with losers and be crazy, too!”




You would think that they would have Daniel Bryan suck up to A.J. by giving her digital copies of “X-Men vs. Avengers” or bringing in Stan Lee, but comic books in Vince’s world are uncool, no matter what that hit movie, “21 Jump Street,” said.

I can imagine Sheamus going the rest of his wrestling career in WWE. I can’t imagine him anywhere else but the WWE; at times, I’m convinced Sheamus was created in a WWE lab.

Man, it would be a trip to see Ric Flair back in WWE as the GM. First, it was all “Leave the memories alone," then, TNA told Ric to “leave us alone." Then, he fought some bears and sold some energy drinks, and now he’s back to try to seduce the sole WWE Diva, A.J. Lee. They say that there’s other Divas, but I’m pretty sure they are just stand-ins.

It’s too bad that Claire had to be a part of this gutless A.J. Styles-Christopher Daniels storyline, as this angle is so depressing, she might go into re-lapse. Don’t have your boring match, guys. Think of Claire, who we’ve known all of three shows and developed a deep, caring, emotional attachment, too.

Time to bring in some new ROH blood. TNA will get my attention if they plug in more of ROH talent on Thursday nights. ROH wrestlers: They don’t sell, stories they won’t tell, and financially they’re not doing too well, but damn, they’re good. I would like to tell you more about ROH, but their website just crashed again.

I still have hope that Samoa Joe will stop playing with his Xbox and have a great match with Kurt Angle at the PPV. Now, no one remind Kurt Angle about the Olympics. He really wanted to go, but his body just couldn’t handle it. Got it? No Olympics. Oh, by the way, he formed “Angle” into the Olympics logo on his singlet. Hee hee. You can't even win a pretend BFG tournament, Kurt! Hee hee.

What else went down in TNA? Bully Ray has joined Twittah, sniff sniff...I smell a Super Mex push (unless he's been fired, then I guess not), and the BFG Series is so simply effective that WWE should try a crack at the concept. Plus ol' "Crazy Eyes" Jeff Hardy is looking better in the ring, though he's apparently an Apple user. Booo.




One day, one day very soon, the legendary Matt Morgan, who wowed wrestling agents with his acting in those Direct Auto Insurance commericals, will hold a press conference to announce where he's going, like he's some 18-year old phenom. If it's WWE, he'll have his hair dyed black and be forgotten in three months.




Word on the streets is that WWE Network probably ain’t coming in 2012, because, well, losing 85 million is a rough wake-up call. And, all of that was just spent on the dubstep song.

That’s it for me. Here’s hoping that when Brock finally speaks to Triple H in the flesh, he’ll say “I’m rich, and I don’t need to beat up the Chaperone to be more rich,” drop the mic, and walk away. Summerslam can sell big with indy smucks headlining, right? Plus, WWE can hype Summerslam by saying A.J. is going to work the pole! Dude. Highest PPV buyrate evah. Imma genius. I'm out. *picks up and drops keyboard*




Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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